I was always the good girl, most polite, most pleasing, most affable!
The saddest thing is that for the past three decades, I have been someone else.
Yes, I am a good person but there are aspects of my personality that I never showed because I was too busy being the compliant people-pleaser. I wanted so much to fit in, be accepted and just blend in. I didn’t want to make a fuss, stir things up or make too much noise.
My sense of self was so fragile, built on the shaky foundations of an emotionally absent mother and a sexually abusive father. I felt very different in my skin, almost like I was defective, ugly and less than everyone else. A sexually abused little girl believes somewhere deep down that she is bad and somehow to blame for the abuse. Since she is bad, she needs to do everything she can to be good because then maybe the bad things will stop happening to her. So she learns to smile widely when she is hurting inside. She learns to be polite and quiet when she wants to scream at the top of her lungs that she hates what is happening to her! She swallows all of her hurt and pain because there is nobody to tell and she maybe too young to even articulate what is going on.
She loses her sense of self and stops trusting her feelings because she is hurting inside and smiling on the outside. She uses this coping mechanism to keep everything together. All of her energy is used to keep the secret down so she cannot and doesn’t express her true feelings and, therefore, her true self.If she expresses her true feelings she has to reveal the dark secret, the secret of what her father is doing. That is too scary to even contemplate, so she keeps everything in and becomes someone else.
Her creativity, her noise, her anger are all repressed so that she can keep the secret down and be good.
Being too loud or naughty also means attention from others and being noticed. Being noticed would mean more sexual abuse. maybe she is being threatened not to tell anyone. Being quiet and good is the safest place for her.
It’s taken me so long to get to this place; where I can separate myself from the bad, where I can put the blame where it should be, on my father!
Now I can start to discover who I really am.
I am feisty, fiercely independent, I like attention, I can be cheeky!!
I can laugh loudly and scream at the top of my lungs and show my anger. I let all the feelings out with the dark secret, so that I can finally be, the authentic me!!!