Being Authentic.

What is authenticity?

Authentic is a beautiful word!

Authenticity for me is that much sought after quality where you are able to be yourself and you feel free to express your emotions as they arise. When you are angry or disapprove of something, you are able to articulate it without fear or embarrassment.

Repression of feelings

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the right to be authentic was stripped away from me. I learnt to swallow all my anger, pain and fear. Instead I smiled.

I learnt that nobody cared enough to protect me and therefore it was my fault. I had to fix things by being good so that I wouldn’t be completely rejected by my parents. I already felt so unloved, I couldn’t run the risk of being naughty or disruptive or else they might get rid of me completely.

My mother is not the confrontational type and she taught me to keep quiet and avoid trouble just like she did when she failed to protect me from my father’s ugly lust.

Expression is a great thing!

Now, I have to constantly remind the part of myself that is still stuck; that very scared five year old girl, that it’s ok.

I can show my disapproval, I can scream out at injustice, I can sob loudly and uncontrollably, I can frown and scowl all I want to! The abuse is over, I survived it and I am no longer five years old.

I have to tell my inner child that it’s ok to be me, I won’t be abandoned and I won’t hurt anyone or be bad by being true to my feelings. That my feelings are precious and that I have a right to complain and disagree and be upset.

Authentic is a beautiful word!

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