Hiding from the truth

I hid the heavy secrets so well that even I can’t find where I buried them.

I carried on like it never happened, like I was never abused and that my family were loving and normal. I hid the truth from others and mostly to myself. When I remember now, there is a small part of me that still wants it all to be untrue. A part of me that doesn’t want to believe. The truth is so scary, so terrifying and defies all the boundaries of ‘normal’. But how can it not be true. People don’t make this kind of thing up! Memories and the sensations, and the feelings and emotions they leave behind come from a place. A place of truth. The hiding is the absence of truth.

Last night I dreamt that I was sitting next to my father and talking to my cousin who sat beside me. It was the most terrifying dream. My cousin was asking me a question and the words couldn’t come out. I knew what I wanted to say but the words didn’t make the journey from my mind to my lips. I was hypervigilant and aware of my father next to me. His eyes were half-closed but I knew he was watching me. I  tried to make myself smaller, invisible almost. I wanted him to stop looking,

‘Is he looking at my breasts?

‘Stop looking at me’

‘Stop, I want to be invisible’

Then HE touched my thigh and it was the most horrible feeling. A wave of revulsion like a thousand creep crawlies running across my body swept across me.

I woke up!

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5 thoughts on “Hiding from the truth

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry you have these dreams and these truths to live with. Hopefully airing them, exposing them to the light will help.

    A great deal of the harm comes from the secrecy, the additional horror of gagging it down deep inside to a place even we cannot find. If we could go to the hospital like I did after breaking my arm, go and have a team of healers around the bed after being sexually attacked, like I had when my arm was casted, how different things could be. Healing would be begin at the time of the attack. So many years later makes it that much harder. Some never do and I can understand that.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A year ago when I first began blogging and “saying it out loud” I honestly thought the world would cave in on me. I’d been writing it for two years before that. But putting it out there for others to see was like saying it out loud–horrifying. It does come, in time, with lots of support from others who have been there. I still have my days, like after I post a difficult blog post, and I relive it. But facing secrets will slowly release the shame that we’ve taken on. Keep writing. My motto is, “Writing (your truth) will set you free.” ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really like your motto! I really need to release the shame because my whole life has been built around keeping secrets down! I know that there will always be bad days but I want to reach that place where I can live anxiety-free and be my authentic self! Thanks for your encouragement!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’ve had the desire for freedom from the shame and secret-keeping, now you have the courage to move forward to make it happen! Be patient with yourself. 😉

        Like

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