One of the many deleterious effects of childhood sexual abuse is the kind of relationships that adult survivors establish.
Sexual abuse occurs within a relationship and there is no surprise then that all later relationships will be riddled with problems.
Because of wounded attachment, survivors, therefore, sadly and usually subconsciously, seek out relationships in which they can reinforce the wounded aspects of themselves. They are very likely to take full responsibility for all the problems within a relationship or find relationships in which they are belittled. It is also normal for survivors to have trust issues and experience deep insecurity, clinginess and dependence in all their relationships.
Now that my controlling husband is out of the picture, I have noticed this insecurity in my new found relationships and I remember now that it was the way I always felt. It has always been painful getting too close to people because I would always feel jealous. In my childhood friendships, I felt threatened and hurt when a good friend would spend time with another person and exclude me. I always put it down to some internal flaw within me.
Today I felt that familiar jealousy rear its head. I felt excluded, unwanted, unloved when I was not part of a social plan. I am proud of myself though for being able to step back and observe the pull to feeling small and unwanted. I know it’s a strong pull to my past! I realise that I am not included sometimes because I do have a son among friends who are single. Its not as easy for me to stay out for many hours. In fact I often feel anxious when I am out, worrying about my son and if he’s ok with the babysitter. I realise also that just because I am not part of a particular plan does not take anything away from me, or make me any less loved or wanted. It is sometimes choice, sometimes circumstance, that determines who is invited to what and when.
I would like to be less clingy and dependent and not feel threatened! I would like to have a strong confidence in myself and a strong knowing that I am worthy regardless of people’s choices. It is hard when I am pulled back to dark places. Do you have similar or the same experiences? What have you tried to overcome jealousy? I don’t want to feel this insecurity anymore!