The colour of darkness.

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Today I feel that all too familiar feeling trying to take hold of me. The darkness. What does the darkness feel like? It feels heavy and sad! It tries to wash over me and colour my thoughts and feelings until I am in a very small place. I know this feeling.

When this feeling takes over, I am less than myself. Instead of gratitude, my mind is flooded with thoughts of how unfair this world is. How it is not a level playing field and that while some children are affected by trauma that affects them profoundly others worry about how to spend the money they have or how the hairdresser didn’t use the correct shade of brown!

I withdraw from the world and become very quiet and still. Little things affect me deeply! A facial expression, an unkind word, it could be anything  that will send me deeper into the darkness.

I try to step back and breathe in love and self-compassion for myself but the injustice of this world seeps through me and makes me indignant! It’s not a nice place to be, this darkness! I don’t like people or this world very much when I am in this state.

I know it’s a good thing that I do realise now when I am in this condition. That means there is a part of me that knows that this darkness is from my past. From a time when I WAS powerless, voiceless, sad, hurting and the world and people were cruel to me!!!

Maybe the darkness is here today because I haven’t been meditating regularly for the past two weeks, or that I am less busy at work, or that I have my periods! Or maybe it’s because I just need to feel these feelings! Whatever the case, it is here and I know it will pass like it always does!

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10 thoughts on “The colour of darkness.

  1. I believe that recognizing the darkness for what it is, takes away its power! Coming out of the fire-rising up from the ashes; refined us. All of the sensitivity we embraced for survival is still there…needing a direction…praying for God to light the path-His path💜

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      • Well! Perhaps share the recipe! Sounds like he took every chance he could to whack you at the knees. Hard to walk with no legs. But your legs sound lean and muscular now.

        Geez, he reminds me of my mother. She loved me, (I only realized that after she died) but competed with me, finding ways to bring me down with one remark
        .
        When living with that I have to watch that those same things don’t come out of my mouth. My sons still need love and like to feel that I am proud of them. A few words can be so hurtful.

        It would be so easy to spew out what was given to me, repeating the harmful behavior, but I try hard to be aware of that tendency, to retain my own personality, not hers.

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      • I think you make a very important point. I agree that it would be so easy to repeat the same behaviour. In fact when he first left ( and to some extent now) I would catch myself using words that were his! I had lost my sense of self and was becoming him almost.
        He is coming soon so I need to remember all this and see through and past his attempts to get me back.
        I am sorry that your mum was so hurtful but you too have defied her attempts to pin you down and have gone on to be a wonderful mum, wife and friend!

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  2. I am an extremely sensitive person and sometimes the darkness in the world overwhelms me as well. I just stay with the feeling and count on it to pass. It always does. I was in a period of darkness for almost 7 years. Today, I realize those years have changed my life and helped me to grow into the woman I am today. These years have given me the privilege of being who I am in the world. There is so much freedom in that. In the end I see the darkness as a valuable learning tool once I started to come out of it.

    Liked by 1 person

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