Today I feel that all too familiar feeling trying to take hold of me. The darkness. What does the darkness feel like? It feels heavy and sad! It tries to wash over me and colour my thoughts and feelings until I am in a very small place. I know this feeling.
When this feeling takes over, I am less than myself. Instead of gratitude, my mind is flooded with thoughts of how unfair this world is. How it is not a level playing field and that while some children are affected by trauma that affects them profoundly others worry about how to spend the money they have or how the hairdresser didn’t use the correct shade of brown!
I withdraw from the world and become very quiet and still. Little things affect me deeply! A facial expression, an unkind word, it could be anything that will send me deeper into the darkness.
I try to step back and breathe in love and self-compassion for myself but the injustice of this world seeps through me and makes me indignant! It’s not a nice place to be, this darkness! I don’t like people or this world very much when I am in this state.
I know it’s a good thing that I do realise now when I am in this condition. That means there is a part of me that knows that this darkness is from my past. From a time when I WAS powerless, voiceless, sad, hurting and the world and people were cruel to me!!!
Maybe the darkness is here today because I haven’t been meditating regularly for the past two weeks, or that I am less busy at work, or that I have my periods! Or maybe it’s because I just need to feel these feelings! Whatever the case, it is here and I know it will pass like it always does!