To put you in context, this week for the first time in my life, I established a boundary with my mother.
She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasn’t a good time for me.
Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that.
I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. I remember that she didn’t look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. I remember that she was angry. I thought she was angry with me. I haven’t been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. Yesterday it was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the faces of everyone I spoke to. I was also waiting to be punished by God!
This is my letter to her:
No I am not ok!
You are not saying what happened!
I don’t want to talk about the weather or my cousin’s wedding.
You are not taking responsibility.
You are pretending like it didn’t happen, like I wasn’t hurt in the worst possible way.
You allowed it to happen.
You didn’t protect me.
You didn’t help me to heal.
You didn’t even take me to the doctor.
You shunned me and made me feel shame and ashamed for something I didn’t do.
You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad.
You looked after, cared for and gave attention to other kids when I was the one who needed it the most.
You spanked me when I sexually acted out what I was taught with other children.
You told me to be patient with a husband who was abusing me.
You made me take all the blame, the shame.
You didn’t love me enough to protect me.
You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM!
All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal.
You have never stood up for me.
You called my child naughty.
You only need me when you are lonely and hurting.
You put everyone and everything else before me.
I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened.
My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up
I will not lose my sense of self like you have.
You raised me to feel bad about everything and take responsibility for others
I will not feel bad for establishing boundaries that need to be made!
Did you think I would just forget!!!!
I love you but you didn’t deserve to have me!