DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!

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Dear Reader,

Today I won’t even apologise for the raw, unbridled anger that courses through my veins!! As some of you may know, I generously allowed my soon to be ex-husband into my home so that he could spend time with our son over the holidays as he lives and work abroad and said that he could not afford a hotel.

My son is ecstatic that his dad is here! I am livid!! My feelings for him swing from pity to abject hatred as his behaviour alternates between victim and aggressor. How can a grown man behave this way? His jet-lag is more severe than any you have known, his body aches all over, he has food poisoning from food that seemed to be fine for my stomach. He is studying part time and moans incessantly about not having the time to do the work. I watch as he sighs and complains and nurses his psychosomatic ailments and I worry about my son. What kind of role model as a dad is he? My five year old son handles his aches, pains and discomforts far better.

He complains and complains making sure that I can feel the full extent of his misery. And then suddenly when I disagree with something he says or does, he energetically and vehemently chimes in with,

“I am not looking for an argument here!” (Does that sound like a victim to you?)

He uses my son to get to me. If my son goes to hug or kiss him he will say;

“And mummy, can she hug and kiss me too”  knowing that I am not comfortable doing that, but trying to put me on the spot!

He does not accept the boundaries that I try to establish by claiming that I give him him mixed messages. Even though he claims to have accepted that we will be divorced in a few months, he badgers me to sit on his lap, kiss him and hold him. I am apparently not affectionate because I prefer to sit on my space on the couch as opposed to on top of him all day. He follows me to the room when I am trying to get some space to read or clear my head even though he is supposed to be spending time with his son.

I refused to have sex with him last night and so his aliments got worse and his communication with me has an edge of sarcasm and nastiness that it didn’t have when he first arrived. I have to fight and be firm just to be able to breathe and not be swallowed up in his energy draining vortex.

I worry about the future and how I am going to deal with this controlling and manipulative man whose inconsistencies and tantrums make me feel so on edge!! Am I fooling myself to think that we can live in the same country and for him to respect that he can’t touch me! I am planning to move to the country where he is, so that our son can have access to both his parents next year. But maybe access to this man is not a good thing and maybe I will have to use forceful methods to fight off this energy vampire!!!

How dare he! I have shown compassion by letting him stay but he has abused it by being who he has always been, and violating every boundary I attempt to set up and then playing the victim and pretending that I am the crazy. And oh yes, he is now calling two instances of physical abuse as ‘isolated incidents” that I am unnecessarily punishing him for. I am not so bad he says, as you make me out to be. I am much better than most men!

Get out!!!!! I was abused by my father and I am so SICK of people manipulating and trying to use my goodness against me.

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10 thoughts on “DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!

  1. If he brings the child into it again, I would insist he go to a hotel. If he won’t, take the child and go. This was supposed to be for the child, but instead it sounds like it is hurting him. A child does not want to be in the middle pulled both ways.

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    • I do plan to remind him that he shouldn’t do that but at the same time it wouldn’t be that easy to take his son away from him. He has a right to see his son! I try to be the strong, rational parent to temper the madness.

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      • Just a thought. But part of having your soon to be ex into your household, and uprooting yourself from where you live to where he lives, is not all about your son. It’s understandable if part of you is searching for the love of a father incapable of loving a daughter.

        We choose our husbands after the traits of our fathers. Lucking for me, though my father died when I was eight, my brother who stepped into the father role, was a brother with character and compassion.

        I suspect boys do the same thing in choosing a mate mimicking the traits of the mothers. So you may be looking to finally please and make your father love you. If you can just finally get that from a husband in place of the father who couldn’t. But the husband chosen has the same traits and is also incapable of true love, tearing you down instead.

        Seems dangerous being so close to someone who you describe as so manipulating. Psychological abuse is so insidious.
        I wish you well.

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      • The points you make are interesting! There is a possibility that there is an unresolved aspect of me that is looking to get that true love from a man (my father). It would explain why I found it so difficult to leave him in the first place! And why I returned so many times to what I knew would be bad for me. Somewhere inside there might be a little girl who feels unloved and wants that genuine love. But its so messy and complex with my son too and of course there are laws too which give father’s rights over their children. Thank you for your good wishes!!

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  2. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It is so kind of you to let him stay and he is being unfair. Hoping this time passes quickly and he stops being so selfish!

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    • Thank you very much for reading and commenting. I am so used to his selfishness but it seems he raised the crazymaking up a notch or two! Yes, hoping that our home will return to normal soon! It’s so sad that my son has a dad like this. Hope that you are doing well.

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    • Thank you. It’s hard to keep a sense of self with the madness but I have to stay strong like you say! This temporary discomfort is going to mean long term safety and well being for me and my son. happy holidays to you and your family!

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