And so the saga continues. I was in tears at work this morning after so much emotional upheaval last night.
It was stage 2 from the diagram you see above. The Incident! My husband arrived on Saturday night and the tension has been steadily building! We have been separated for eight months now and he came back to find a stronger more confident woman. He even commented that I am a lot more patient with my son. This new stronger version of me is a threat to him of course and so he has tried all kinds of things to get me back into the cave I was in before! None of it has worked so far, so of course last night he had a tantrum! A full blown baby man tantrum!
I arrived back from my counselling session to find that he was in a foul mood. He was angry, complaining about someone who had splashed the car with water after he had taken it to the car wash. He was driving the car much faster and I knew immediately there was worse to come. He has used the car to intimidate and frighten me and my son before; by driving recklessly and even stopping the car on the side of the road and ordering me to drive knowing full well that I don’t have a licence. This was after I had told me that he was going the wrong way. How dare I do that! Question his godliness!
Anyway back to last night, sorry to digress, I knew that something bad was going to happen because I felt the usual ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling and then he found the excuse he was looking for to blow up in my face. I had apparently used the wrong tone when offering him some sweets and I had accidentally put his phone charger in my bag thinking it was his. That’s all it took for everything to blow up!
Unfortunately, I took the bait and I got mad too. It’s been an emotionally draining week and I snapped back telling him to GET OUT! He then pretended to phone the airline to book a ticket back today! He told me I was in for a NASTY SURPRISE because Karma would catch up with me for treating HIM so badly while he was a GUEST in my house. I told him not to threaten me and he said I misunderstood and it was not a threat at all (??????).
When his tantrum subsided he told me that I overreacted because I have mental issues and needed to calm down.
He succeeded in making me lose my calm and was then chirpier than he’s been since he’s arrived. He made as if nothing happened this morning and started talking about oil prices and recession. I retreated into silence as I always did in the past when he shut me up with his crazymaking. As he spoke I felt so much HATE for him, it was hard to disgusie!!!
I see now that his happiness and contentment is directly proportional to my insecurity and pain. The more distressed I am, the happier he is! His energy increases as mine depletes!
How could I have lived with a man like this for so long without knowing!
I will tell you why reader, because I didn’t believe I was worthy of anything better. I felt that I deserved it! That there was something wrong with me, that I needed to fix myself! And the reason why I felt so bad about myself was because I was sexually abused and hid it from myself until now. I feel so sad and angry. Angry not at myself but at my father who set me up to fall prey to a man like my husband. And I feel sad that I don’t even know what love feels like. Love of parents and love of a partner.
I thought that my parents loved me and that my husband loved me. But I know now that my husband is incapable of love just like my father was. They are both damaged souls with little empathy and an overwhelming need to control and manipulate everyone and everything to keep their own demons away.
I am counting down the days until he leaves. He has already left a trail of darkness in only five days and I know it was naive of me to think he could be any different! This is the very last time he stays in my home EVER and I am re-evaluating my decision to live closer to him! He is not a good father! He will manipulate my son in the same way! If he had any maturity or empathy he would regulate his emotions for the sake of his child!! But its all about HIM always! And I am the MAD one according to him of course.
He may have succeeded in provoking me last night but it is a cheap conquest! I am not going back to him and he has once again shown me who he is. I deserve much much better!!!