Temper Tantrums!

abuse cycle

And so the saga continues. I was in tears at work this morning after so much emotional upheaval last night.

It was stage 2 from the diagram you see above. The Incident! My husband arrived on Saturday night and the tension has been steadily building! We have been separated for eight months now and he came back to find a stronger more confident woman. He even commented that I am a lot more patient with my son. This new stronger version of me is a threat to him of course and so he has tried all kinds of things to get me back into the cave I was in before! None of it has worked so far, so of course last night he had a tantrum! A full blown baby man tantrum!

I arrived back from my counselling session to find that he was in a foul mood. He was angry, complaining about someone who had splashed the car with water after he had taken it to the car wash. He was driving the car much faster and I knew immediately there was worse to come. He has used the car to intimidate and frighten me and my son before; by driving recklessly and even stopping the car on the side of the road and ordering me to drive knowing full well that I don’t have a licence. This was after I had told me that he was going the wrong way. How dare I do that! Question his godliness!

Anyway back to last night, sorry to digress, I knew that something bad was going to happen because I felt the usual ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling and then he found the excuse he was looking for to blow up in my face. I had apparently used the wrong tone when offering him some sweets and I had accidentally put his phone charger in my bag thinking it was his. That’s all it took for everything to blow up!

Unfortunately, I took the bait and I got mad too. It’s been an emotionally draining week and I snapped back telling him to GET OUT! He then pretended to phone the airline to book a ticket back today! He told me I was in for a NASTY SURPRISE because Karma would catch up with me for treating HIM so badly while he was a GUEST in my house. I told him not to threaten me and he said I misunderstood and it was not a threat at all (??????).

When his tantrum subsided he told me that I overreacted because I have mental issues and needed to calm down.

He succeeded in making me lose my calm and was then chirpier than he’s been since he’s arrived. He made as if nothing happened this morning and started talking about oil prices and recession. I retreated into silence as I always did in the past when he shut me up with his crazymaking. As he spoke I felt so much HATE for him, it was hard to disgusie!!!

I see now that his happiness and contentment is directly proportional to my insecurity and pain. The more distressed I am, the happier he is! His energy increases as mine depletes!

How could I have lived with a man like this for so long without knowing!

I will tell you why reader, because I didn’t believe I was worthy of anything better. I felt that I deserved it! That there was something wrong with me, that I needed to fix myself! And the reason why I felt so bad about myself was because I was sexually abused and hid it from myself until now. I feel so sad and angry. Angry not at myself but at my father who set me up to fall prey to a man like my husband. And I feel sad that I don’t even know what love feels like. Love of parents and love of a partner.

I thought that my parents loved me and that my husband loved me. But I know now that my husband is incapable of love just like my father was. They are both damaged souls with little empathy and an overwhelming need to control and manipulate everyone and everything to keep their own demons away.

I am counting down the days until he leaves. He has already left a trail of darkness in only five days and I know it was naive of me to think he could be any different! This is the very last time he stays in my home EVER and I am re-evaluating my decision to live closer to him! He is not a good father! He will manipulate my son in the same way! If he had any maturity or empathy he would regulate his emotions for the sake of his child!! But its all about HIM always! And I am the  MAD one according to him of course.

inner-peace

He may have succeeded in provoking me last night but it is a cheap conquest! I am not going back to him and he has once again shown me who he is. I deserve much much better!!!

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14 thoughts on “Temper Tantrums!

  1. You deserve to know what love feels like; it uplifts not tears down. You know that love with your son.

    “Love is patient, love is kind.
    It does not envy, it does not boast,
    it is not proud.
    It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
    it is not easily angered,
    it keeps no record of wrongs.
    Love does not delight in evil
    but rejoices with the truth.
    It always protects, always trusts,
    always hopes, always perseveres.
    Love never fails.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I took a lot of things because of feeling deep shame and unworthiness because of physical and sexual abuse. The hard work over the last 10 years has freed me to create a life I am worthy of. It is what helped me to stop using alcohol to self medicate. It has given me the power to create a life where I manage my PTSD while living purposefully and lovingly. But understanding the shame and unworthiness was my first step towards freedom. I hear you in the same space. That is great. Keep thinking you are worth more because you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am involved with someone that is very similar – isn’t content with herself, unless she makes the people around her upset. She lacks little ability to understand the impact her actions have on others – or, probably, chooses not to care. On one hand, I love her and on another, I often wonder if I am capable of continuing with “walking on egg shells.”

    Sadly, in some ways, I feel like I’ve acquiesced…

    Bravo to you for finding your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You DO deserve much better, and he needs to have his head examined.

    As I read the pieces that you write, I find it very apparent that you have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart within you. Sometimes we get into these relationships where we think we have found love but have actually found something that is very contrary to love. I can definitely relate to that in my marriage..

    Like

  5. You are clear and you are willing to grow and change and you want more for yourself. There is no better place to start than that. You understand the cycle of abuse, you understand that you were swept up in it and you see the relief he got from getting you to react. You are okay! Keep holding your space. I know how hard it is. I also know that you were ready to change and grow and live a full life because you were/are able to integrate the sexual abuse you were traumatized by as a child. I spent years completely disassociated from my abuse. When I finally realized that it wasn’t me, it was never me, I felt free to truly live. It’s a process — this unfolding — and I’m still learning my way, but I want you to know that you make sense to me. You sound clear. You are okay! Keep going. I’m cheering for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know the walking on eggshells feeling all too well. You know no matter how carefully you step, eventually one or more will crack. I’m sorry that he still gets under your skin but as you say, you have gotten much stronger without him. Hang in there.

    Like

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