Happy New Year to you all!
I haven’t posted for a while because I have had very little time to myself at home. Ironically when I am at work, I have more time to blog! For those of you who have been following my blog, my husband (soon to be ex) left yesterday and so life has a semblance of normality at last. He brought so much drama and emotional turmoil with him, it hasn’t been easy. I have been feeling quite depressed since he left. There are so many feelings to sort through at the moment. I have been left feeling confused and there is a lot of emptiness and sadness too!
The first week he was here was awful (you will have read about the tantrums and the inconsistencies) that left me walking on eggshells. Thank you all for your support and your words of encouragement that pulled me through. Well, after that initial week I went away by myself for a few days. I will post some pictures here from that amazing trip. It was very empowering to go away all by myself. I felt guilty to leave my son and I missed him terribly but it’s something that I needed to do for ME!
I was overwhelmed by the breathtaking architecture of beautiful courtyards, mosques, churches and palaces and I enjoyed the amazing cuisine! I was proud of myself for feeling so comfortable in my skin. I sat and dined alone in restaurants surrounded by tables filled with families and friends and I was fine. I relished the long walks in the cool crisp air and the whole holiday was at my own pace. It was wonderful!
When I returned from my short break I had to deal with my husband again but he had transformed into someone else. He was not the victim/aggressor I had said goodbye to at the airport. He was agreeable, gentle, patient and calm?? Was I going mad? Maybe I am crazy and exaggerated his bad behaviour? Maybe I imagined it all and the sexual abuse I suffered as a child has really distorted all my perceptions and I make up realities for myself?
I fell into my old role of looking after him although it did feel like I was giving by choice as I saw him for the little hurt boy he really is. I am not going to beat myself up for showing him affection or caring for him. I am a compassionate person and I have done nothing wrong or bad! He still tries to convince me that he is a changed man without needing counselling to face his deep seated childhood issues. I know that rationally, realistically and practically it is not possible and I am still going ahead with the divorce but the boundaries that I envisaged before he came were broken!
Do I sound stronger than I really am? Am I that strong? Am I extremely codependent or is he changing? Or bettter still is he so good at crazymaking that he can fake being so good? It is really confusing for me
This is the me that I sound like when I blog and talk to my therapist and when he is away:
But it feels like I have not come that far physically and literally.