Thursdays are always difficult days
It’s the day after my therapy session on Wednesday afternoon. Therapy brings up a lot of issues and the residual feelings are present after the session. I went home feeling a bit irritated and I tried to get a good night sleep because I didn’t really want to think about anything.
I took a lot of confusion into my session yesterday. The therapist of course picked up on this and we tried to unravel all the pieces to get to the bottom of it. But it seems that some problems can’t be understood just mentally. I was sexually abused when I was so little that there are some things beyond reasoning. One of the coping mechanisms used by children is to disassociate and I think that there is in me a disconnect between mind and body. To cope, my mind had to shutdown in a way. How do I fuse the two again? How do I become an integrated whole?
Well one thing for sure is that it’s not going to happen overnight! And another thing I have realised is that confusion is not necessarily a bad thing! Confusion I think rests on the edge of an important breakthrough. I know that I if I can just rest with this state of confusion that I am experiencing right now that I may be able to uncover something really significant. Something that will allow me to grow in the direction that I want to.