What are Daddy Issues?
I have been doing a lot of reading this week about women with’ daddy issues’ as they are referred to. The idea that women try to rewrite history by finding a partner that has the same traits as their father is fascinating. It is a desperate attempt to get the love that they didn’t get. Thank you to my friend Patricia Grace for first making me aware of this. Her blog has been a source of great inspiration for me: http://patriciajgrace.wordpress.com.
It’s funny because I had never even come across this term before. I guess, because I have been hiding from myself for so long, I couldn’t even begin to address the daddy issues. I hid the sexual abuse from myself and others and pretended that I had a great family with loving parents. I had to first admit to the abuse before I could face the truth of who my father really is.
The illusion is over and I have discovered this giant shaped hole within me that has affected all my relationships. There is this gnawing, hungry need for affection and love. The need is so insatiable that it is stronger than reason or rationality. It helps me to visualise it as an actual hole in my stomach like an ulcer.
The Obliteration of Basic Trust
Children are supposed to develop ‘basic trust’ from their primary caregivers; this gives them a strong sense of connectedness with the world. This gives them the feeling that things will be ok in the end and this is the way they are able to look after themselves emotionally as adults. It is like an internalised mother figure that you can carry around with you. Abuse has the power to obliterate that ‘basic trust’ and that’s why many survivors of childhood trauma have a profound sense of loneliness and mistrust.
I am examining that hole right now and seeing how it contributes to me allowing my husband into my home even though I know that he has hurt me so much, and the discrepancy between what I know in my rational mind and the way I behave towards him. There is a very needy part of me that wants love and affection so badly that it doesn’t care about the source of that love.
There is a part of me that is so insecure that I become so uncomfortable and distressed when someone doesn’t reply a message instantly or love me back. The hole is empty and huge and needs to be filled. It is greedy for attention and wants to be noticed. Interacting with people becomes so difficult with this hole.
I have fallen madly in love with three emotionally unavailable and disinterested men in my life. I have chased after them and played out a drama that was always going to end badly; with a lot of hurt and pain and it inevitably perpetuated the feeling of inadequacy within me. This is aside from marrying a manipulative and abusive man.
Even with all the awareness and insight that I have through counselling and blogging over the last eight months, I see that this hole is still very much present. It’s like an inner agent that is working against all that I am trying to achieve. I have always filled this hole, with academic achievements, relationships or fantasizing about relationships, moving countries etc etc.
I have brought this awareness to my consciousness but I still don’t know how to fill it?