A Giant Sized Daddy and Mummy Shaped Hole!

emptiness-creative

What are Daddy Issues?

I have been doing a lot of reading this week about women with’ daddy issues’ as they are referred to. The idea that women try to rewrite history by finding a partner that has the same traits as their father is fascinating. It is a desperate attempt to get the love that they didn’t get. Thank you to my friend Patricia Grace for first making me aware of this. Her blog has been a source of great inspiration for me:  http://patriciajgrace.wordpress.com.

Hiding

It’s funny because I had never even come across this term before. I guess, because I have been hiding from myself for so long, I couldn’t even begin to address the daddy issues. I hid the sexual abuse from myself and others and pretended that I had a great family with loving parents. I had to first admit to the abuse before I could face the truth of who my father really is.

The illusion is over and I have discovered this giant shaped hole within me that has affected all my relationships. There is this gnawing, hungry need for affection and love. The need is so insatiable that it is stronger than reason or rationality. It helps me to visualise it as an actual hole in my stomach like an ulcer.

 The Obliteration of Basic Trust

Children are supposed to develop ‘basic trust’ from their primary caregivers; this gives them a strong sense of connectedness with the world. This gives them the feeling that things will be ok in the end and this is the way they are able to look after themselves emotionally as adults. It is like an internalised mother figure that you can carry around with you. Abuse has the power to obliterate that ‘basic trust’ and that’s why many survivors of childhood trauma have a profound sense of loneliness and mistrust.

Profound Emptiness

I am examining that hole right now and seeing how it contributes to me allowing my husband into my home even though I know that he has hurt me so much, and the discrepancy between what I know in my rational mind and the way I behave towards him. There is a very needy part of me that wants love and affection so badly that it doesn’t care about the source of that love.

There is a part of me that is so insecure that I become so uncomfortable and distressed when someone doesn’t reply a message instantly or love me back. The hole is empty and huge and needs to be filled. It is greedy for attention and wants to be noticed. Interacting with people becomes so difficult with this hole.

I have fallen madly in love with three emotionally unavailable and disinterested men in my life. I have chased after them and played out a drama that was always going to end badly; with a lot of hurt and pain and it inevitably perpetuated the feeling of inadequacy within me. This is aside from marrying a manipulative and abusive man.

Even with all the awareness and insight that I have through counselling and blogging over the last eight months, I see that this hole is still very much present. It’s like an inner agent that is working against all that I am trying to achieve. I have always filled this hole, with  academic achievements, relationships or fantasizing about relationships, moving countries etc etc.

I have brought this awareness to my consciousness but I still don’t know how to fill it?

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12 thoughts on “A Giant Sized Daddy and Mummy Shaped Hole!

  1. Good for you for doing the hard work of bringing it all to consciousness. It’s the first major step in trying to break patterns. I know that ache of needing love very well. I have learned to be a compassionate non-judgmental observer of this ache inside myself. I have great love in my life but the ache of being without it for so long in my life still persists. Breathing into it, feeling it, owning it has helped me to live with the ache of it from my childhood. I think it may always be a piece of me, however, it also helps me to really enjoy the love in my life and to not take it for granted, My husband and I work very hard on a marriage and growing as a couple and as individuals so we break patterns of our past..

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    • Thank you very much for commenting. You are very blessed to have that love and I admire you and your husband for your commitment to growth! I think the ache is all the more powerful right now as I face the abuse and the end of an abusive relationship. I will try to breathe into it and own it to. God bless you for your support and encouragement.

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  2. I feel honored to be your friend, and being mentioned here. Your words hit home misting my eyes. You speak so well of holes, emptiness and loneliness.
    Things done to me in childhood have forever left their mark. Yet I am happy which equates to moments of peace. Your acknowledgment of me, and my worth came at a good time. I’m feeling low, lacking confidence. Thank you…

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  3. Very raw… I certainly hope you find how to close that hole with time. But don’t beat yourself up about it. Took a long time to get there, it’ll take time to work on it. I’m sorry you carry this pain with you. Wishing you a wonderful day. xo

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    • Thank you for stopping by with your very kind words. I think you are right, it’s going to take a very long time to heal. But with self-love and acceptance I know you can get there. The learning never ever stops!Wishing you a wonderful day too!

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  4. You will get to the point where you WILL close that hole. It takes time, and you have been through a lot. Get the divorce settled, keep up with the counseling, keep learning and growing and healing. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

    You will one day find love. It always happens when you least expect it.

    Joe

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      • Several years ago, I had an epiphany of sorts. I happened upon what seems to be the simplest and most effective prayer. It has helped me along my life’s journey. It is five simple words: “God, please give me strength”. This prayer hasn’t failed me yet.

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