I am going to stay where I am for the first time in my life. I am not going to uproot my son and take him away from his comfortable life to be closer to an abusive man. A man who hurt his mother and pretends that it didn’t happen. If he hurt me then he can just as easily hurt my son.
I am going to stay in this place that has given me space and calm; where I am healing and growing. I am going to stay and continue my counselling sessions. These unprocessed feelings from my past need a safe place. These feelings are not safe when I am near my husband. He triggers that same powerlessness I felt as a five year old child. I don’t want to give him my power, my voice, choice and independence like I have done in the past. When I see him I regress!
It’s unfamiliar; this decision to stay, because I have always been running. Running away from the past and denying the abuse to avoid the painful feelings. Not being comfortable in my own skin. Always wanting to be somewhere else. Trying to fill the raw wound with connection. Even if that connectedness hurt me. Taking the love and affection that I could get from my abusive marriage and unkind people and ignoring all the bad feelings they left me with. Trying to get validation from achieving good grades and collecting qualifications. Keeping myself distracted and busy when I immerse myself in new and stressful environments. Fantasizing and taking myself away from the present moment.
I am going to stay right here where I am and not make life easier for the man who treated me so badly. It’s my first independent decision. It’s for me, by me and it’s for my comfort and healing. Children don’t always need their fathers so close; I certainly would have been better off without mine. I am taking control of my life and not living my life in anticipation of my husband’s reactions; his anger and disapproval. I don’t need his approval and I don’t need the validation of others.People can like me or dislike me as they wish. No apologies for who I am!
When I am ready to leave it will be MY decision and not for his comfort!
It’s scary to stay because it means I have to sit with the wound. The wound aches with loneliness and fear but I have to face it all. I have to stay right here and just be. I am looking after the little girl who was only five when she was violated so badly. I am sitting with her and taking care of her safety and at the same time I am guiding her. I have always made decisions and connections from that wounded place. It will take time to heal but the healing may not happen if I move closer to the man who hurt me.
Let the divorce go through and then next year I will review my situation again.