In the last ten months I have made myself vulnerable in many different ways. Vulnerability is about exposing oneself emotionally, it is about telling one’s truth. Before this recent period in my life, I learnt to hide my feelings and kept secrets tightly hidden away not allowing others to see the real me. I had to be the perfect happy smiling woman always!
But now that I have opened up about the very big secret i.e that I was abused as a young child, I can’t seem to keep anything down. It all comes bubbling out, my feelings about things and people. It’s an effort to kept it contained inside. Counselling and blogging have given me a taste for free expression!
Yesterday, very aptly on Valentine’s Day, I made myself vulnerable again because it felt like the right thing to do. I have had a crush on someone for a very long time and lately we started communicating via email. I felt that I had to tell this person about my feelings because I was tired of trying to read between the lines. Something either is or it isn’t and I don’t want to waste any more time on things that aren’t. I feel that I live in my head a lot and have to test the reality of situations. So I emailed him and told him this and I honestly feel liberated today.
Whatever happens, I was very brave to say how I really felt. He is much younger than me and I don’t expect to hear from him again after that email but it was becoming too difficult for me to wait around for his emails and fill myself up on false hope.
At least this way I can move on and start to find something real rather than just a fantasy that exists in my mind that I continue to hold onto. Sure it will sting when he doesn’t respond but at least I will finally know.
Here are some quotes about vulnerability that cheered me up: