My reality or yours?


Recent events have shown me how much I live in my head. This is no doubt a result of the abuse; survivors of childhood sexual abuse tend to feel disconnected from people and very often lack the ability to develop close bonds with people. I know I have always found it hard to really connect with people and isolate myself sometimes willingly to avoid discomfort and stress.

I think this self-imposed isolation means that I daydream and fantasise a lot. I also make assumptions about what people are thinking and the motives behind their actions. So far, I have never really tested these assumptions against others views or perceptions.

Now that I am attempting to do the unfamiliar, and being more open with the people in my life I have realised that all the ‘truths’ I took for granted were not truths for everyone.

I assumed that the man I had a crush on was fully aware of my feelings for him. I felt exposed, almost naked around him as I felt like I was carrying my heart on my sleeve and that everyone could see that I liked him.

Now in my last post I mentioned how I emailed him revealing my feelings.

He sent me a reply and said that he had no idea I felt that way. Wow! What a different take on the same situation. Two realities! I created a drama and cast him as the lead character without informing him.

My thoughts were so much about him and my feelings seemed so big that I imagined it was obvious to everybody. It makes me wonder whether as a five year old girl I imagined that everyone could see what my father had done to me and that I walked around feeling really exposed and full of shame.

It was like a cold hard slap when this man and others told me that they had no idea whatsoever! I hid it well but still felt exposed and full of shame.


8 thoughts on “My reality or yours?

  1. I am really getting selective about who I spend time with. I am so empathic that I absorb all the energy around me. It can be a bit overwhelming and sometimes triggering when around angry people. So I live a somewhat solitary life but find much beauty in it. Sometimes in the past I thought everyone could read me and feel my shame as well. Years later I learned that I gave off this image of being self assured person. it is amazing what goes on inside of us that no one else is aware of .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I still think you did the right thing for you by testing it out though, for all the reasons you outlined in your last post; hopefully you don’t regret having done it? I don’t think you need feel shame, it was a brave and smart thing to do, I thought

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok, I’m left wondering, besides him not realizing your feelings, did he seem interested?

    Too often I believe I know what others are thinking and it usual isn’t good. I have to try to remember my tendencies to think so negatively. More than tendency, way of thinking. I have to work at positivity!


  4. For the first time we’ll reading others blogs i realize I’m not alone more and more…hooray for that !
    But crap reality how we protect ourselves I’m learning at present to just be honest reliable friend who doesn’t talk about things we share behind one another backs …friendships have been hard because of isolating myself. ..but looks like we all growing in different strength s!

    I’m glad for your new strengths surfacing. ..take care much love lis

    Liked by 1 person

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