Recent events have shown me how much I live in my head. This is no doubt a result of the abuse; survivors of childhood sexual abuse tend to feel disconnected from people and very often lack the ability to develop close bonds with people. I know I have always found it hard to really connect with people and isolate myself sometimes willingly to avoid discomfort and stress.
I think this self-imposed isolation means that I daydream and fantasise a lot. I also make assumptions about what people are thinking and the motives behind their actions. So far, I have never really tested these assumptions against others views or perceptions.
Now that I am attempting to do the unfamiliar, and being more open with the people in my life I have realised that all the ‘truths’ I took for granted were not truths for everyone.
I assumed that the man I had a crush on was fully aware of my feelings for him. I felt exposed, almost naked around him as I felt like I was carrying my heart on my sleeve and that everyone could see that I liked him.
Now in my last post I mentioned how I emailed him revealing my feelings.
He sent me a reply and said that he had no idea I felt that way. Wow! What a different take on the same situation. Two realities! I created a drama and cast him as the lead character without informing him.
My thoughts were so much about him and my feelings seemed so big that I imagined it was obvious to everybody. It makes me wonder whether as a five year old girl I imagined that everyone could see what my father had done to me and that I walked around feeling really exposed and full of shame.
It was like a cold hard slap when this man and others told me that they had no idea whatsoever! I hid it well but still felt exposed and full of shame.