The Battle to Love Myself

social-phobia

When I am alone, I am comfortable. I am happy in my skin. The feelings that come up are contained and processed and released.

The problem arises when I interact with others. Then I start to feel inadequate. I feel that my words are not enough. I feel that I am not strong enough. I take things very personally and because I am not good at laughing myself; find it uncomfortable when others laugh at me or tease me even if its well meant and playful.

I struggle to find the words to fit the expectation I create for myself. I watch others vigilantly; their facial expressions making me feel bad or good. I feed off their energy and lose mine. I leave feeling dissatisfied; thinking I should have or I shouldn’t have said this or that. I wasn’t forthright enough or I offended someone.

It is a daily battle because after these interactions, I have to sit with myself and talk myself back to feeling good. With positive self-talk, I tell myself all the things a loving mother would tell a child:

“It’s ok, you are going to be fine”

“You haven’t said or done anything wrong”

“You are not powerless or helpless anymore’

“Don’t be hard on yourself,it wasn’t your fault”

“No they didn’t mean anything bad by that”

“You belong and you are worthy of love and respect”

“You did fine”

“There’s no emergency, relax, nothing bad is going to happen. You are safe”

” I love you and and am proud of you”

“You are lovable and wanted”

“Remember who you are; a courageous, compassionate and beautiful spirit”

“Don’t take in everything so deeply”

“Nobody is focused on you; they are preoccupied with themselves”

It’s a battle with my harsh inner critic and all the evil introjections I absorbed as an abused child. I was deeply affected by what was said and done to me and more so by the lack of care and support that should have come after the abuse. Left to my own limited child resources, I took responsibility for it all and made myself bad to keep my parents good. It’s something I return to over and over in my psyche; trying to understand it and know it and move beyond it. But it is not easy to just move on from it. Even with the understanding, it is something that is triggered over and over in my social interactions.

Somedays I get disheartened and believe that it is impossible to change. But I would like to believe that with continued positive self-talk, self-love and self-care I will be able to feel more comfortable in my social interactions and not be so hypervigilant.

Thanks for reading and understanding.

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7 thoughts on “The Battle to Love Myself

  1. Oh yes.
    It’s a job, centering myself. I get discouraged as progress seems more than slow, even backwards. Then I notice a new habit of a more positive response kicking in naturally. At other times, riding on my laurels, I notice trouble and remind myself to keep working at it
    I could have written this myself because it is so like me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. its hard having to do the positive self-talk thing all the time isnt it, i just get all sad and angry that no-one did it properly in the first place, and no one is doing now except me, and i shouldnt have to do this if my parents had just done it right in the first place. it didnt need to be perfect, good enough would have done, good enough would have got me through. although we have to do it, it actually makes me feel kind of alone, because it has to to be me, myself, saying all these things. no one else did. excuse the ramble i’m kinda sad today x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry that you are feeling sad. No need to apologise, I get it. I have those sad days too where the only thing you can do is feel the sadness and not fight it.

      Yes it is hard to do all the work by ourselves when we were not responsible for the problem. However, we have to be responsible for the solution.

      I am reading a book now called “Strongest at the broken places” and it says exactly what you say here. If we had parents were just ‘good enough” we would have been ok.

      But you are never alone, there are so many of us together who are surviving and thriving and sharing our journeys. Write to me anytime! I am here for you as you have been for me.

      take care

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I battle it full stop ..there’s always something there telling me otherwise. .or I feel been pulled into other peoples real world when mine is just so small sensitive and I feel no one will get it ..I’m alone!
    It’s continues hard work and to be honest here some days I’m over it ,been the mother of myself and in real life is just hard when one feels things differently to others. .crazy but true. .

    Take care my friend
    Lis

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for understanding, you’re right its so nice to have somewhere where we can get that support and know that others really do understand. Think i’ve heard of that book you mention, i’m sure its on my counselling course recommended reading list! Might have to give it a try. Thank u again for just being kind, it means a lot 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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