The Body Never Forgets

My mind protects me by blocking out the painful memories, but my body remembers everything.

I know that the abuse has affected the way I carry myself and my attitude towards my body.

The abuse is stored in every cell.

There is tightness and rigidity, there is a lack of spontaneity and even a sense of distrust, disconnection and fear towards my own body.

This body that has endured so much. I have always been very hard on this body of mine. I didn’t like mirrors especially if there were others around. When alone, I would stare in disappointment at the ugly girl I saw looking back at me. Is that really me?

In my mind’s eye I have always been unattractive and have carried around a distorted image of myself. The self-hatred as a result of the abuse has been directed at my body.

When I was at university, I didn’t eat very well and exercised excessively in an attempt to get my body in shape. I would also go through periods of starving myself and then binge eating to try and fix my body. In my fantasies I imagined a me with a different face and body.

I feel very sad now because my body needs ME the most, she (I will call her that) needs rest from the battle that has been her existence. She needs good food and sleep and massages and gentle tender care. I love this body of mine with all the scars and cellulite and bulges and unique proportions.

This body of mine carried me through it all and helped me to survive. This body of mine is beautiful and deserves warm hugs and love and respect.

There is nothing I need to change about her. None of it was her fault. When you are tickled you laugh and so I responded to the abuse. It was a natural reaction. I lost my innocence and learnt to sexualise play. My delicate small frame was used for the pleasure of the man who was supposed to protect me. My boundaries were violated.

I love this body that saved me and I want to reconnect with her and be in touch with her. I want to cry a river for all her pain and loss and helplessness.

I will not abandon her.

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12 thoughts on “The Body Never Forgets

  1. I can so relate to this post and I needed to read it this morning. I love when that happens but you know I am stuck on things being not so ironic which can be good or not so good. This morning it is all good.
    I have been so frustrated with my body, not only as it changes into it’s healthier state but in how it remembers. I use no words and I melt into panic in yoga and just about anywhere. While it is so scary to feel so afraid it is awesome to have another present who is genuinely caring and not going to hurt me. Learning what may trigger that fear is also a curious thing. At times I feel compassion for the me that is so locked in this body. I start to think about what happened and I don’t know, maybe it’s just overwhelming. My yoga instructor thinks that my feeling too open, especially while laying on my back is a trigger. It’s curious to explore without judgment and change things and work through things without words.
    I’m glad you feel more peaceful in your body and yes it got you through so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes I have started yoga too, only two classes so far as I have been reading how good it is at releasing trauma from the body.

      It is so brave of you to choose to make yourself vulnerable again in order to heal. I can understand how laying on your back would be a trigger.

      I feel like there is so much locked up in my lower abdomen. I feel like I stored so much there and that is where I usually feel all the discomfort (ie. anxiety, fear etc) in daily life.

      I am hoping that somehow I can finally release it and be more spontaneous!

      Glad that the irony is good for you this time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I just love this part, well all of it really, but especially this: “She needs good food and sleep and massages and gentle tender care. I love this body of mine with all the scars and cellulite and bulges and unique proportions.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Again, I can relate so well to what you wrote. I’m glad that you’re taking care of yourself. Bodywork and yoga played a very important role in my healing, gradually allowing me to step back into my body and to feel safe and whole again. Good for you! I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

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