I spent a lifetime hiding, feeling small and unworthy.
In happy times; when things are going smoothly, I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be happy. That nothing bad is going to come along to punish me for this happiness.
My harsh inner critic makes me doubt myself for feeling good about myself. The inner child wakes up in fear. I have discovered that the little girl wakes up before the adult me. She is terrified and alone and that explains the feeling of terror I wake up to. I am learning to soothe her, calm her by rocking myself like I would a small child and mothering her to peace.
I am on a short beach break with my son and everything is ok so allow me to be happy harsh critic. I am free, playing football with him and swimming with him without feeling self-conscious.
I also received a letter from my lawyer informing me that the final draft petition for the divorce would be sent to the court. Things are moving ahead. I am taking a stand. Leaving an abusive codependent marriage, I am not hiding anymore. I am caring for myself and I am looking for hope inward, comfortable in my skin.
My internal mother is proud of the giant strides I have made in the past year.
It’s ok to be happy.