A child’s mind

rumi

In so many ways I have been a five year old girl living in a woman’s body.

All the coping mechanisms used to survive were for the little ME who was abused. But I have carried them around until now. They don’t serve me anymore. Childhood abuse stunts developmental growth and I am now allowing myself to grow in the places where my development was arrested. I am picking up from where I was left.

I want to let go of all the survival mechanisms and say it’s fine; I don’t need to hide anymore or cover my mouth with my hand; a habit that I used to have until quite recently. It was an effort to muffle my voice or keep the secret down. Over the years people have commented on this habit of mine.

I can use my voice and not worry how the sound of my voice or the words will be received. I can stop thinking that everyone is looking at me or thinking about me. I am not the center of the world and people are wrapped up in their own worlds.  I can speak loudly, boldly and unapologetically when I want to express my opinion. I can stop hiding and allow myself to be seen and let go of the false belief that I am a siren when I talk to the opposite sex. I didn’t encourage the abuse. Nobody asks to be abused.

I don’t have to be the little girl who escapes in her head to faraway places, fantasizing about a better life. I can create that better life by choosing who I allow to enter; using my boundaries to leave toxic places and people. I can stop proving my worth by trying to be good and perfect all the time. I can allow myself to make mistakes.

Most importantly I can rest with the belief that I am worthy and loveable. That I have a burning ember within me. I can fan this flame at will so that it becomes a sturdy, unwavering fire standing strong in the face of criticism, disapproval and the anger of others.

I am my own best friend. I hold myself close with acceptance and compassion.

I wake up many mornings with that ache; that feeling that I need to be with someone or that I need to be somewhere else. I listen to the thoughts that come up and I feel the discomfort. I don’t act on them. I acknowledge, and then wait for them to pass because I am in the best place right now. This place where I am is where I can continue healing and finding strength. Instead of running, I stay because I believe that the moment that I stop feeling I need to escape will be the very moment that I can leave. Also, the moment I stop needing to be with a partner will be the moment I am ready to be with someone without dependence, grasping and clinginess.

Thinking like an adult is unfamiliar ground for me. As I leave the old thinking behind me I am standing on my own two feet, independent, making my own life decisions and taking responsibility for their consequences; good or bad. I have nobody to blame; not my father or my husband. I am no longer a passive victim hiding behind my story.

It’s a new day….

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11 thoughts on “A child’s mind

  1. Wow I think you couldn’t have put it in better way im really happy for you !
    As I read your post I so felt your burst of new life …you goanna flourish awesomely with that new found you !
    I also felt those very words you have written are things that on my mind often….re staying with feelings and not running…
    Thank you for sharing
    sending love lisa

    Like

    • Thank you very much, always good to hear from you. It’s not easy to stay with the bad feelings but it’s the only place we can be if we want to move on from them finally. Thank you for being a part of my journey and always always encouraging me on!

      Like

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