I spent the day yesterday feeling very low. I was supposed to go out with a friend to the cinema but I cancelled because I didn’t feel up to it. I am on day 26 of my monthly cycle and I feel very ill every month at this time. Last month it was back pain and this month I have a sore throat and just feel generally weak and achy all over.
I was feeling both physically and mentally low and I started to feel silly about the cake I ordered for my mother for Mothers day. At the time it seemed like a good idea, something I wanted to do for her. I wanted to bring happiness to her day. Why would I do that when she is the same mother who protected her abusive husband, the same mother who talks about the superficial stuff always and never addresses the truth? Well, in the moment that I decided that I wanted to order the cake for her; I thought about her suffering. I don’t think that she is happy, or was ever happy. I felt for the baby that she was, the two-month old baby given to an aunt because her own mother couldn’t look after her. I thought of how she has been undermined and bullied by my father throughout their marriage. I have been avoiding them both for the past year, haven’t seen them or spoken to them on the phone; other than replies to my mother’s texts.
Yesterday, I felt silly for ordering the cake which she will receive today. Was I doing it as a dutiful daughter? Was I being inauthentic again? I started to feel angry about her neglect and I felt that I am far too kind to people who don’t deserve it!
Well today after moping around for two days, something has shifted. I am still weak and achy with a sore throat but I feel mentally stronger.
It’s ok that she will get the cake today and smile. It’s a complex relationship and far from black or white. She is still my mother no matter what she failed to do. What she did was inexcusable! I can never change that she chose her sexually abusive husband over her daughter. That she never discussed it with me or gave me the honesty, openness and care that I needed when I was a helpless child is unacceptable. But she has suffered a lot; that I am sure of. She has lost a daughter and lost herself!
So to my mother, you were far from a perfect mother but I hope you enjoy your cake today because you are the woman who gave birth to me and there were many things you did do for me. You are unmothered yourself and incapable of standing up to your husband.
Yesterday, I felt overwhelmed, like it was all too much for me and I couldn’t handle it. I felt that things would never get better and I had no energy for life. I feel better today. I turned inward for strength and hope and I found it.
I have the inner resources to cope. I will get my period soon and the PMS symptoms will subside, my throat will get better and I will get my energy and strength back. I can do this. I have been a single mum for over a year now and I am coping, I am thriving. That internal flame burns brightly and I keep moving forward. I have come this far, I am not about to go back to sleep.
Keep Moving Forward.