Today is a pretty bad day in my estimation. Everything seems to be going wrong. At work, things are messy, with miscommunication at every turn. But more than that I am feeling terrible after receiving an email from my brother.
On Friday last week, the brother who I have confided in about the abuse contacted me to let me know my father had summoned him to our parents place. He lives in another country so it is unusual for my father to ask him to fly to another country for the weekend.
My brother told me he was certain that its about the message I sent my mother on mothers day asking her why she didn’t protect me when I was little. For those who haven’t read my previous posts. My mother said that the abuse didn’t happen.
Well apparently they had a family meeting about me and included my younger brother who I haven’t told yet. The four of them discussed it all and my mother and father say they are worried about me. My mother says she doesn’t ever remember me having any vaginal sores. Even though this is one of the very few lucid memories I have. I remember her cleaning me. She never looked at my face and I remember just wanting her to look at me and say it’s ok. That I wasn’t bad. But she didn’t look at me! And now she doesn’t remember it.
My father says there were other men around me at the ages that I am claiming I was abused (5-7).
My brother says he is not taking sides but would like to talk to me face to face about it.
Since reading his email, I have been feeling irritable, tense. anxious, angry and sad. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t even know how to make sense of. How should I be feeling? Angry at my parents? Hurt that my brother might not believe me? Sad that I am alone and that I will be family-less and husband-less? Confused because maybe it was someone else who abused me? Guilty because maybe I am a dramatic liar?
So it’s not a good place to be. As my good friend tells me, I need to dig deeper to find even more courage and strength to keep going! I hope for the day when I can be taken care of a little and not have to deal with such hard stuff. I know that it all part of an inevitable process but it sure is tough.