Bad Day (Trigger warning)

bad day

Today is a pretty bad day in my estimation. Everything seems to be going wrong. At work, things are messy, with miscommunication at every turn. But more than that I am feeling terrible after receiving an email from my brother.

On Friday last week, the brother who I have confided in about the abuse contacted me to let me know my father had summoned him to our parents place. He lives in another country so it is unusual for my father to ask him to fly to another country for the weekend.

My brother told me he was certain that its about the message I sent my mother on mothers day asking her why she didn’t protect me when I was little. For those who haven’t read my previous posts. My mother said that the abuse didn’t happen.

Well apparently they had a family meeting about me and included my younger brother who I haven’t told yet. The four of them discussed it all and my mother and father say they are worried about me. My mother says she doesn’t ever remember me having any vaginal sores. Even though this is one of the very few lucid memories I have. I remember her cleaning me. She never looked at my face and I remember just wanting her to look at me and say it’s ok. That I wasn’t bad. But she didn’t look at me! And now she doesn’t remember it.

My father says there were other men around me at the ages that I am claiming I was abused (5-7).

My brother says he is not taking sides but would like to talk to me face to face about it.

Since reading his email, I have been feeling irritable, tense. anxious, angry and sad. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t even know how to make sense of. How should I be feeling? Angry at my parents? Hurt that my brother might not believe me? Sad that I am alone and that I will be family-less and husband-less? Confused because maybe it was someone else who abused me? Guilty because maybe I am a dramatic liar?

So it’s not a good place to be. As my good friend tells me, I need to dig deeper to find even more courage and strength to keep going! I hope for the day when I can be taken care of a little and not have to deal with such hard stuff. I know that it all part of an inevitable process but it sure is tough.


20 thoughts on “Bad Day (Trigger warning)

  1. I am so sorry to read that you are going through this, I understand how you feel. I hope and pray that you will be eased of all the burdens you are carrying, my heart truly breaks for you. I only have one brother who speaks to me at this point and that runs counter to who I always wanted to be but now after so much time has passed, I realize in many ways I am better off for it. I hope you find peace in the best way for you, however that looks in your life. Family isn’t always about blood, it is about those who can love us for who we are, unconditionally. I feel privileged that I now get the privilege to choose who has earned that title in my life. Wishing you the very best, always.

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  2. It’s hard to even imagine a betrayal as significant or as wounding as the original one… of using a child’s body for perverse pleasure and lust. Yet this betrayal is as significant, it is the original betrayal. And it is what wounded me the most, then and now. It is not the acts themselves. I believe with proper intervention, love, support, and true sorrow for was done, a child is resilient and can bounce back. That is a rare occurrence.

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  3. Don’t lose yourself in the craziness. It’s easy to. It is. I remember being hysterical, in the middle of the night with horrible vaginal pain and my mother putting me in a sitz bath with me screaming in agony from the pain. I kept saying, “I dont know why I hurt so much,” as I nearly passed out from the pain and she just kept saying calmly, “Oh that’s normal. That happens to everyone sometimes.” My mother denys the ten years of abuse I endured. That is unfathomable to me. I’m with you, you brave woman. Hold on to your truth. Don’t spiral in the doubt and in the shame. Patricia is right, they’ll throw us under a bus to deny the truth. I’m with you. You aren’t alone. We all see you and hear you and believe you. Much love.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how horrible it is to be talked about and lied about. And they are “worried” about you – what a lousy trick. Trying to make you seem somehow imbalanced. Stick to your truth- you know how it really is x

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  5. Oh this makes me SO MAD! They are so invested in their reputation and maintaining the status quo. They will lie and manipulate to make it seem like you are the one in the wrong. I’m sorry–it’s so hurtful! You deserve genuine care and concern, comforting and support, and instead you are getting this garbage. It’s not fair at all. Please don’t let them make you doubt yourself. You know what’s true. Believe yourself. I believe you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are not alone in feeling like this. Abusers always seek to blame their victim and they always try to make out that there is something wrong with you why you are accusing them of what they plainly did. It is their only way to protect their sordid behaviour. Every thing that happened to you HAPPENED. You did not imagine it. Do not let anyone confuse you about what happened. I know you’ve probably read a lot of Anna Waldherr’s posts, but I would read these again and again, because they really helped me in coming to terms with the fact that you are not to blame.

    Liked by 1 person

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