I am learning slowly that what we tell ourselves about people, God and ourselves is the reality we live. If we are filled with self-loathing and hatred towards others, our world is a reflection of that hate and we find things we don’t like everywhere!
The relationships we attract are a mirror of ourselves. When we meet someone; if what we see reflects back what we feel then it is a fit. Like attracts like! I am the world and the world is me!
So it follows that if we want to attract abundance, positivity, light and love into our life we have to have an abundant supply of these things already within us. I am cultivating my self-worth and acknowledging the essence of me which is goodness. The essence of all of us is that very same goodness that never dies.
Today I choose to carry around a mirror which reflects the best version of me. Like a gem, I have many unique facets and in the mirror I am holding today; I can see a beautiful woman, strong, intuitive, compassionate, loving and good. Her smile lights up the room and the warmth that she radiates burns the ground beneath her. I like that woman and I admire her deeply for all that she has overcome and I accept every bit of her. Her strengths and weaknesses.
I know that as survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we have suffered and hurt what no child should have to endure but I feel that once we have faced the shadows of our painful pasts, it becomes a choice! We can choose what to focus on, how to frame our thoughts and how to react to things that hurt us in the present. Do we decide to allow thoughts of the past abuse to dominate and define us? Do we decide to indulge our inner child constantly? Or do we recognise that it happened and that our wound makes us who we are today. That our inner child needs guidance and direction and restraining just as much as she needs love and caring and acknowledgement. We come to a point where we can live with the tension of opposites within us; joy and pain, light and darkness. That it doesn’t need to be either/ or; black/white, that we can have both within us and we can still thrive here.
I don’t always have control over my thoughts and feelings, and at times I am triggered and I become a five year old girl again. I become voiceless and I want to be invisible. But these moments don’t last forever; they come and go and I emerge from the darkness. The temporary feelings are not me. They are a result of the evil that was done to me. The feelings of disgust that I swallowed and took an as me ARE NOT ME. It was a reflection of my world at the time I was abused, and it is very likely that it was my own father’s disgust at the evil he was doing to his own child. I am not disgusting, his actions were disgusting; yet I carried around that mirror of disgust until now and I projected it onto others and saw it everywhere.
That mirror doesn’t fit anymore! The next partner I choose will be a reflection of the self-love and beauty I feel within. When I first met my husband, his wounded inner child and self-hatred and insecurity were a fit for me but NOT anymore!
My world is different now because I think differently about myself.