Endings

goodbye-with-the-eyes-rumi

Goodbyes and changes in the normal routine have never been easy for me.

Endings in general are hard for me.

The school year is coming to an end; exams are finished and teachers are packing up their offices to leave for the summer holiday.

Some teachers are leaving for good and like every other year, the new academic year will bring a new landscape. I find it hard to accept the changes and watch people just walk away, even people I hardly know.

Endings unsettle me, I feel alone and separate. I don’t feel the excitement that you think “should” accompany the end of the school year and the beginning of the summer break. I am not going “home” to be welcomed by “family”. I am taking my son to another country so that he can see his dad; my ex-husband. Family and home have so many connotations for me! They have painful associations for me.

I feel the anxiety that also goes with seeing my ex-husband again, and the dread of the hard work to set boundaries and be firm with the man that I was married to for so long and shared everything with. Now it’s nothingness.

So this week is not a good week for me by all accounts. I feel the aloneness, the absence, the separation and the sadness and anxiety. I want to desperately fill that aching space with distraction and I wish that someone could fill it for me, paint it over in brilliant vibrant colours; but I know better. That can’t be.

I know that it is my responsibility and that I can’t expect anyone to share this pain and hurt. It is mine and will always be mine. But wouldn’t it be great to be held in a warm embrace and taken care of. It’s that unmothered part of me I know that just wants to be taken care of. But of course I am not five anymore. I am an adult; independent and strong and capable. It still hurts…I know I have to feel it…

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11 thoughts on “Endings

  1. You’re not alone! Here’s a hug! Come for tea! We can all have tea, and laughs and hugs!
    I hope while there you can plan some excitement for yourself while your son and ex spend time together. Are there places you’d like to explore? What thrills you? Do what you love.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This too you will get through and look back one day on how far you’ve come. At least you are going “through” it and not camping out permanently in a sad time. Keep your chin up, warrior! You’ll find happiness again. I can relate to all you’ve posted trust me. It’s still hard at times. You will learn to create healthy boundaries and it will get easier. Hang in there! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for all your support and encouragement. It means a whole lot to me! Hugs to you too. The more I tell my story the more I realise that there are so many people who struggle with the same issues and we are all in this together. all this time I have been a lot less alone than I imagined

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i understand this totally, saying goodbye to my kids when i left was the hardest thing i have ever endured, but i know in my heart body and soul that they followed me, and always will, i hope they know this too as much as i have told them i can only pray to the universe they do.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I struggle with endings and goodbyes too, I had so many experiences of abandonment and having to cope alone that these feelings can be triggered by other endings that don’t have has much pain attached. It helps just to recognise why, though, doesn’t it? This post explained how sad and bereft I often feel when I have to say goodbye and things end.

    Liked by 2 people

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