Goodbyes and changes in the normal routine have never been easy for me.
Endings in general are hard for me.
The school year is coming to an end; exams are finished and teachers are packing up their offices to leave for the summer holiday.
Some teachers are leaving for good and like every other year, the new academic year will bring a new landscape. I find it hard to accept the changes and watch people just walk away, even people I hardly know.
Endings unsettle me, I feel alone and separate. I don’t feel the excitement that you think “should” accompany the end of the school year and the beginning of the summer break. I am not going “home” to be welcomed by “family”. I am taking my son to another country so that he can see his dad; my ex-husband. Family and home have so many connotations for me! They have painful associations for me.
I feel the anxiety that also goes with seeing my ex-husband again, and the dread of the hard work to set boundaries and be firm with the man that I was married to for so long and shared everything with. Now it’s nothingness.
So this week is not a good week for me by all accounts. I feel the aloneness, the absence, the separation and the sadness and anxiety. I want to desperately fill that aching space with distraction and I wish that someone could fill it for me, paint it over in brilliant vibrant colours; but I know better. That can’t be.
I know that it is my responsibility and that I can’t expect anyone to share this pain and hurt. It is mine and will always be mine. But wouldn’t it be great to be held in a warm embrace and taken care of. It’s that unmothered part of me I know that just wants to be taken care of. But of course I am not five anymore. I am an adult; independent and strong and capable. It still hurts…I know I have to feel it…