I am flying to London later tonight and am reflecting how far I have come since last year this time.
Last year this time I was full of anxiety to see my husband. I was still emotionally dependent on him and worried about his moods and what I could do to appease and fix things.
This year I am almost divorced and I informed him not to come to the airport. He doesn’t know where I will be staying and I have turned down his offers to join him and my son on their outings to the theatre etc.
I am praying for the strength and courage to keep confident in his presence, to not let his changing moods dictate how I feel and to continue to keep where I am staying a secret. It would be so easy to allow him back in and become the passive victim all over again. So much easier than doing it all alone. But I am more than capable of doing it all on my own. We have been separated for 15 months now and I am thriving. I have made good friends, I am writing again and today I went for a bikini wax for the first time in my life! I know what I want! I want to be free and I want a voice and I want to feel good about myself. I want to live with the truth of the sexual abuse that happened to me as a little girl, the truth of who my parents really are and the truth of the unhealthy codependent relationship I had with my husband.The truth that I am good and that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I deserve to be surrounded by healthy people who don’t bring me down to make themselves feel better.
I want to keep writing and I am going skydiving for a children’s charity later this year. I want to be able to express my needs and desires and I want to keep falling in love with myself and discovering new facets that I possess. I want to keep believing that I deserve better, that I am worthy of being loved and honoured.
I also know what I don’t want! I don’t ever want to be in a relationship where I have to make myself small so that my partner can be big. I don’t want to live in a fantasy world where my parents are perfect and my past is repressed. I don’t want to fantasize about strangers imagining them to be the answer to all my problems and I don’t want to give my heart away so easily and become attached to people who care so little.
I apologise to all my fellow bloggers if I don’t manage to read your posts over the next few weeks as I will be enjoying lots of alone time as my son spends time with his father. I will be exploring London as a tourist and being strong.