A year later

far

I am flying to London later tonight and am reflecting how far I have come since last year this time.

Last year this time I was full of anxiety to see my husband. I was still emotionally dependent on him and worried about his moods and what I could do to appease and fix things.

This year I am almost divorced and I informed him not to come to the airport. He doesn’t know where I will be staying and I have turned down his offers to join him and my son on their outings to the theatre etc.

I am praying for the strength and courage to keep confident in his presence, to not let his changing moods dictate how I feel and to continue to keep where I am staying a secret. It would be so easy to allow him back in and become the passive victim all over again. So much easier than doing it all alone. But I am more than capable of doing it all on my own. We have been separated for 15 months now and I am thriving. I have made good friends, I am writing again and today I went for a bikini wax for the first time in my life! I know what I want! I want to be free and I want a voice and I want to feel good about myself. I want to live with the truth of the sexual abuse that happened to me as a little girl, the truth of who my parents really are and the truth of the unhealthy codependent relationship I had with my husband.The truth that I am good and that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I deserve to be surrounded by healthy people who don’t bring me down to make themselves feel better.

I want to keep writing and I am going skydiving for a children’s charity later this year. I want to be able to express my needs and desires and I want to keep falling in love with myself and discovering new facets that I possess. I want to keep believing that I deserve better, that I am worthy of being loved and honoured.

I also know what I don’t want! I don’t ever want to be in a relationship where I have to make myself small so that my partner can be big. I don’t want to live in a fantasy world where my parents are perfect and my past is repressed. I don’t want to fantasize about strangers imagining them to be the answer to all my problems and I don’t want to give my heart away so easily and become attached to people who care so little.

I apologise to all my fellow bloggers if I don’t manage to read your posts over the next few weeks as I will be enjoying lots of alone time as my son spends time with his father. I will be exploring London as a tourist and being strong.

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10 thoughts on “A year later

  1. You made me smile, laugh and cry! I’m excited for you. I’ve turned inward a bit as I get ready for my race. Going through my own process … But I want you to know I’ve been reading. And cheering for you. I’m empowered by your strength and I will be holding you in my heart as we each go through our own journey these upcoming days. So happy to have this connection with you! Enjoy your time!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh! Such a post! So full of hope, promise and present excitement! I bet there’s so much to see and explore in London. I can’t wait to hear all about it. You’ll be closer to my son than I am, so far away here in NE America.
    Perhaps you could print this post and take it with you? So strong. So beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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