Hello everyone. It’s so good to be back and writing again. I have missed being part of the WordPress community and realised during the last three weeks how much it means to me. So much has happened since I left for London over three weeks ago and so I have decided to do a write up in instalments which will give me adequate time to reflect on the most cogent points.
First and foremost, I received the decree absolut while I was in London…. which means that I am officially divorced. I am proud of myself for going through with it to its absolute end. There were so many doubts and I did lots of second-guessing (still do now sometimes in my weaker moments) but I know I have done the right thing.
My trip had its highs and lows and I will tell you all about them. It was stressful and even overwhelming at times. I arrived back here after the changeable weather of a typical English summer feeling somewhat drained and lethargic. But I am feeling a bit better today. I realise how harsh I am to myself; so much so that even when it’s time to congratulate myself, I sift around for the smallest mistakes to berate myself with. No doubt this is a remnant of the childhood sexual abuse. It is I am sure a reality for so many survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We are so hard on ourselves even when we deserve a pat on the back.
Before I left, in my final counselling session, my counsellor asked me what success would equal in terms of this trip and I replied that success would mean that I don’t sleep with my ex-husband and maintain strong boundaries. The last time I saw him, I slept with him against my better judgement and felt awful afterwards.
So in fact the trip was a success. I didn’t sleep with him and I I made it clear to him that things had changed between us and he couldn’t spend the night, book a hotel or hold me like he used to all of which he would have happily done even though he claimed that he was better off without me.
I should be proud of myself then for maintaining this physical boundary where before I would have felt a subconscious pull towards him and went along with it. I was the reasonable adult this time and I made it clear that these things would not be appropriate.
But still there is this niggling little voice berating me for not being even firmer. I will tell you more about that next time. For now, here are some pictures of the highs of my London trip.
I do love London and I had forgotten how vibrant it is! So different to the place where I am living now. It has so much to offer culturally and socially. My son and I enjoyer theatre outings, museums, the wonderful parks, a Chelsea football match and a cupcake and macaroon tour.
Next time I will tell you all about the dad and why I still don’t know whether to move to London or not.
Thanks for reading!