I am so tired of hurting and losing. Once again my heart will stretch and bend to allow the new hurt and sadness in. I live in a transitory place where people come and go all the time. Today one of my closest friends has left the city to go back home, her travels all around the world now over. I am tired of losing. Other than my counsellor, she is the first person I opened up to about my husband’s physical abuse and the childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father. We worked, studied and laughed together speaking endlessly about all kinds of topics. I opened up to her like I seldom do because she is a no-nonsense, self-aware, beautiful soul. She has taught in many different countries of the world and we shared many similar interests.
Saying goodbye to her today was very hard. I experienced a sinking emptiness. Whenever I feel like this, it takes me back to other hurts and I make a note of all the losses and start to feel bad and wallow in a black hole. I feel irritated too and the smallest things bother me and get my back up. Everything gets to me. I get angry with God and the universe for making me lose once again.
I read Albert Camus’s ‘The Outsider’ last night and it reminds me of something the protagonist’s mother says, “Noone is ever entirely unhappy”. And maybe that is how it is, as we live, our hearts keep bending to accomodate the new hurt and sadness. And our hearts stretch and expand to make space for it, and all the pain collects together and we return to it over and over again. But we keep going, we keep waking up, brushing our teeth and getting kids ready for school and shopping and all the other things we do.
Despite the sadness we allow in, and our momentary despair, we smile and laugh again after some time has passed. Maybe I am getting really good at this losing business.
It seems that tears and laughter are not mutually exclusive. They can exist in the same space harmoniously if we allow it. I am tired of losing so I don’t resist the hurt. I acknowledge it and give it the space and time it needs. I let it be. A part of me has accepted that this is just the way life is meant to be for everyone.
I am grateful and blessed to have met such a strong woman who inspired me with her strength and her outlook on her life and I will continue to keep in touch with her. I am still tired of losing though and this is a huge loss given that it isn’t easy for me to open up and I have few close friends who really know ME.