I have moments when I am feeling ok and positive and I believe that I am doing well. I can jump out of a plane at 13000 feet, face my ex-husband and believe in myself and my beauty and courage. I am strong and fearless and feel that I can conquer any and all the challenges that come my way.
Then suddenly everything changes; maybe I don’t get enough sleep, or I am criticised or my son has a tantrum and then my resolve shatters. I wake up with fear and insecurity again. I return to the Black Hole of being unmothered where I want to hide and be small and my voice doesn’t matter. I am angry with God, with people around me. In that dark moment I second guess myself and question decisions I thought I had made already. I am plunged again into a smaller version of myself.
How quickly the switch is made from feeling strong to feeling hopeless.
I know you will say, be gentle with yourself. Be patient. You are healing from so much and it hasn’t been that long. I am always running ahead of myself and wanting to be somewhere else. I want to heal overnight and never feel the darkness of the Black Hole again. I only want to feel the strength and confidence and be all ok all the time.
But alas, I know that the Black Hole will always be there and I could fall in at any time. But I am safe, the abuse is over and I am changing my life for the better in so many significant ways. I am at the wheel. I will always have that permanent essence, that unbreakable rock, which is me, and my inner mother who will never abandon me. She holds my hand and fans the flame I have within transforming it into a brilliant orange flame tinged with blue and yellow. The flame and the stone are there in those dark moments when I am plunged into the Black Hole. I am not alone and I have you my readers.
It’s been six weeks since my last counselling session and I am looking forward to going back this week. I am in no way ‘cured’. There is no cure from this.