Mothering my son

mothering

 How the Unmothered Mother their children,

My son came home from school yesterday hungry and exhausted, probably played his heart out in the bus club, so excited to be around other kids. I have to be there for him and give him that warm and loving cushion he needs to get through. I want him to know that he is safe and not alone and that he is loved and wanted; all the things my mother failed to give me. I want him to feel mothered and to carry that inner mother with him throughout his life so that no matter what happens on the outside; and even when I am not there, he can turn inward to that mother within him. That will be his rock and his fire throughout life. He is learning that life is tough and tiring and that you don’t always get what you want and that you have to wait for things and that you grow close to people and then they leave, these are all life lessons that I want him to master when he is young with my help and support. I am learning them now. He will never end up like me, he is 6 and a half and he has had a much better life already than me. I see that very clearly. At the same age, I had already been sexually abused by my father while my mother refused to see any of it. I struggle sometimes as every mother does but I know that I am a loving mother and I am present to the very depths of him. We are honest with our feelings, I allow him to express his rage, his sadness. We talk about feelings every night. I had to repress mine for 33 years with no safe outlet, no holding environment to contain them. I am his holding environment. He can come to me anytime with his feelings and I will hold them and we will look at them together from different angles and then he can let them go. Yesterday he was so angry but by the time he went to bed he was happy again and even told me that ‘mummies are made for hugs and making people feel better’. That made me feel so good. I will do the same when we are in London and he has to face all the daily challenges of being in a busy city where people care less and are more indifferent. I will be there, never indifferent to his troubles with open ears and eyes, willing to see his pain and accepting him, every part of him. He will not be like me.

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4 thoughts on “Mothering my son

  1. Oh, you are doing such a great job! He will be very much like his mother in her gentle ways, compassionate heart, generosity, depth of kindnesses, optimism, strength, tolerance of others, warmth, dedication, loyalty…the list goes on…!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Patricia. I spent most of my marriage believing I was a bad mother because of the way my husband made me feel about myself and what I felt about myself because of the sexual abuse. I allow your kind kind words to wash over me and seep in for the first time believing them. Thank you my dear friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this! And it makes me smile with a full heart — I said the same thing to my 7-year-old the other night. His tummy ached at bedtime and while he is an easy-breezy soul, he was worried and anxious about school. (I almost missed it because he is so flexible and I was later sad thinking that I need to pay more attention. Sometimes the easier ones are the ones we miss seeing the most.) I reframed it for him, saying that while he’s not the nervous type that doesn’t mean he can’t or doesn’t get nervous. Everyone does and we talked about worry for a while and how it’s appropriate before school starts. “It makes sense. It would be ‘odd’ if you weren’t worried,” I said and he laughed. And then I looked at him and I said, “It’s okay, Love. You can go to sleep. I’ve got this. I’m going to hold worry and nervousness for you. You don’t have to hold it all by yourself.” He sighed. Closed his eyes and fell asleep. Sometimes we get it right. Seems to me you are certainly getting it right with your son. Much more than a good-enough-mother and way better than our non-mothers. Well done! And thanks for validating my own mothering journey. Much love to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ahh I like that idea, of holding the worry and nervousness of your son! I realise also that being so mindful of the childhood that I had, subconsciously I tend to want to shelter my son from every bad feeling. But I am aware now that he I can’t shelter him from every feeling and that as long as he is able to express his feelings openly and they are acknowledged it is ok! Well Done to you too for doing such a good job at mothering!

      Liked by 1 person

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