It’s ok to be angry little girl

anger morrison

 I struggle with certain emotions. When I say struggle I mean that it’s difficult for me to contain and express these emotions and even when I do, I am filled with dread.

One of the most difficult emotions for me is anger. As the anger coalesces, I start to feel uncomfortable. I feel a rush, my heart rate increases and I feel a strong urge to express my feeling to the offending person. I am always unsure of how to approach it. I usually feel like I could have done it better and afterwards I am left with a vague sense of fear; that something bad will happen to me and that I am bad.

Wow, what a complex set of reactions to an emotion that is both normal and healthy and which left repressed causes significant health problems. But that’s the way it is for me and I think I know why.

It’s because my parents were both my primary caregivers and my primary tormentors! How confusing that is for a such a young child.My little body and tender mind raged against them; my father for his abuse of my body for his own sexual needs and my mother for her complete and utter denial of what was going on right in front of her eyes!

As my body and mind filled with anger and hate, another feeling; guilt and shame and fear seeped in. How could I be angry with my parents who I depended on for my very survival? The little me was afraid that she would be abandoned if she expressed herself.

So of course! No wonder I am uncomfortable with anger and feel scared after expressing my anger, disapproval or dislike of something. It’s hardly a surprise is it?

I remind myself that it’s ok to feel angry now and that the abuse is over, I am safe and there is no danger of being abandoned. Nothing bad will happen to me now if I am angry.

It’s ok to be angry little girl

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5 thoughts on “It’s ok to be angry little girl

  1. Isn’t it crazy what anger can trigger. I think that is one thing I ended up writing to my T…how terribly frustrated I am that my self destruct mode is triggered by anger and feeling abandoned. And I don’t really get why I am so afraid of being angry and yes, it is okay to be an angry little girl and we are capable of handling her emotions now. She is and we are safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I struggled in the same way with anger too. Recently I got really angry with my Mum about things she did that hurt me as a child, it was an interesting thing to see the way she diverted and I could see it wasn’t her fault she has the same problem with expressing angry feelings, but also that she doesn’t have a very healthy adult self at all, since she was very unmothered too and just passed this on to us. In the end I got a bit of validation but the aspects of invalidation/diversion/deflection she used helped me to see why I have struggled so much with expressing angry feelings and feel I am “bad” if I do.

    Liked by 1 person

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