I struggle with certain emotions. When I say struggle I mean that it’s difficult for me to contain and express these emotions and even when I do, I am filled with dread.
One of the most difficult emotions for me is anger. As the anger coalesces, I start to feel uncomfortable. I feel a rush, my heart rate increases and I feel a strong urge to express my feeling to the offending person. I am always unsure of how to approach it. I usually feel like I could have done it better and afterwards I am left with a vague sense of fear; that something bad will happen to me and that I am bad.
Wow, what a complex set of reactions to an emotion that is both normal and healthy and which left repressed causes significant health problems. But that’s the way it is for me and I think I know why.
It’s because my parents were both my primary caregivers and my primary tormentors! How confusing that is for a such a young child.My little body and tender mind raged against them; my father for his abuse of my body for his own sexual needs and my mother for her complete and utter denial of what was going on right in front of her eyes!
As my body and mind filled with anger and hate, another feeling; guilt and shame and fear seeped in. How could I be angry with my parents who I depended on for my very survival? The little me was afraid that she would be abandoned if she expressed herself.
So of course! No wonder I am uncomfortable with anger and feel scared after expressing my anger, disapproval or dislike of something. It’s hardly a surprise is it?
I remind myself that it’s ok to feel angry now and that the abuse is over, I am safe and there is no danger of being abandoned. Nothing bad will happen to me now if I am angry.
It’s ok to be angry little girl