More loved with less

ilove_cure_rumi

Isn’t it strange that one can feel more loved with so much less?

I have lost my parents because I am not in contact with them at all since both my mother and father denied that I was ever sexually abused. They had a family meeting a few months ago to discuss my ‘madness’. I haven’t spoken to either of them in almost two years and I continue to ignore my mother’s weekly text messages. I have lost my husband who was abusive and my divorce has recently come through.

Yet, despite these phenomenal losses, I feel more loved than I have ever felt before in my life. The love is in me and I am surrounded by it. It is in the mirror when I see the reflection of the strong independent woman who is facing her past and moving forward courageously. The love is in the new friends I have made since I have broken the long spell of isolation I endured during my marriage. The love is in all the support and encouragement I have received online from you my readers. The love is in my son who looks up at me and tells me I am the best mummy in the world. The love is everywhere as I am guided towards what I need to do. Most importantly, the love is within myself; from my growing inner mother and the love I offer myself everyday.

love calls

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23 thoughts on “More loved with less

  1. I love this! “love is within myself”
    It’s only when the pretending stops and I tell the truths of my life, to myself and others, that I can begin to appreciate just all I suffered, survived and grew from.
    What a terrible loss all these years, being a player in a game. A game where I always lose because to be a part of it means lying to myself and others to protect the family’s good name, or pretense of one, those who did it and those who did nothing to stop it or help.
    No one wants me vocal. Not even me. Because in the truth comes the losses. Loss of family, even a fake one. Loss of the pretense of a quiet, dutiful girl turned woman. I am not her. I have needs, feelings, and am due respect. Those used to ‘her’ don’t like that either. No more doormat to wipe their feet on.
    It is hard to become all I am because so much of life I’ve been in hiding!
    But in uncovering ‘her’ I am feeling good feelings inside, being in there, with me, in me. Love… a late start, but better late than not at all…

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    • yes you are so so right in everything you say! Its all the pretence and secrets and heavy silence that keeps us back from ourselves and once we are done with all the lies we used to protect others, we can begin to live and love ourselves and feel the moments of pure joy and peace that comes from within. I am so tired of looking after and protecting those that hurt me the most!

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      • Yes. A hard habit to let go of. Not sure if I can ever achieve it and positive I can’t be completely who I was meant to be.
        That dutiful, pleasing girl turned woman remains, but I’m trying. Samuel’s friend, just this morning, gave me a slurpy kiss on the cheek on his way out because I held out my hand to shake good-bye. I hate it so much, yet couldn’t tell him NO because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, no matter about mine.
        I wiped it off, the wetness.
        It’s not the first time. I should not have reached for his hand. I’d already forgotten how he tends to be affectionate, while I definitely am NOT. Yuck. That is how hard it is for me to speak up.

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      • Yes I know that feeling when I have gone along to just blend in or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I feel sometimes that my body is so used to doing what it doesn’t want to that it’s almost a reflex to go against myself! How sad that childhood abuse does that.

        Yesterday it was one of my colleagues birthday and we sand happy birthday and there was cake. i looked at the cake and knew I didn’t want any but had some just to be the same as everyone else and later felt bad about it.

        And there have been times when I kiss someone on the cheek or let them do the same just to avoid making them feel upset.

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      • Yeah. I think that plucky kid is still in there though.
        I try not to get stuck on that feeling of failure, that feeling or thought that at my age, “How could you”
        Not easy. But doable. ‘Let it go,’ I try to tell myself. And why be hard on myself for caring for others, though there’s other more valuable ways to care.
        No one would probably care or notice if you refused cake saying you can’t eat sugar, but gushed at how beautiful it was…politeness with boundaries.
        And Samuel’s friend would not melt if I spoke up and said I’m not big on kisses just very fond of you.
        I still need to learn graciousness with boundaries. Being trained to the opposing, to be mute over atrocities to my own body, sets up roadblocks ..or skyscrapers for speaking up… immediately– and saying NO, or OUCH, or you FRIGGING IDIOT…
        I just love it when others immediately react and always wish I hadn’t lost had my voice been cruelly taken. Age doesn’t mend it. It is one of the broken pieces that I put together at times, and other times just can’t seem to.

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      • Yes yes you have as always articulated everything so well. I too would like to be graceful in my boundary making. I seem to go from being too harsh to too kind one extreme or the other!!
        I have a plucky kid in me too who spoke her mind and didn’t care. I would have been very different if it weren’t for the abuse I know it too. Yes it’s the hardest thing to get back; ones voice that was taken away so cruelly

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  2. How strange that your mother continues to text you every week despite a lack of response from you- is she asking for contact/forgiveness or simply trying to go on as though nothing has happened? Hope you don’t mind me asking, am just curious x

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    • It is bizarre, I think it’s her way of believing that we are still in contact. Her messages are the same as they were before I confronted her about the abuse. It’s almost like she is having a conversation with herself. As soon I get them I delete them! I don’t mind you asking at all.

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  3. I’ve fallen out with my Mother quite a few times. We’ve been wicked to each other with words. She now knows what I will except from her and will not. I feel I gave the power of how the relationship goes. She either supports me and hears me. If she steps out of line I’m ready to look after me and stop her from hurting me. It’s working so far. I’m so sorry your Parents have that opinion. However it’s fantastic you can nurture your self. That’s is powerful for you and your healing as you know. I agree with the comment from elsadiary99. It’s strange she continues. Thought provoking for you perhaps too.

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      • I can understand how you feel. Good on you to put your boundary In place. Have you ever thought or felt like sending a letter and explaining how you feel. Even if you don’t send it.

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      • Honestly I know that engaging with them in any way while they continue to deny what my father did to me as a little girl will only hurt me and draw me in further to their twisted version of reality. I am now focussing on myself and my son and what is good for us. I dont need to talk about me feelings with them or prove that it did happen or anything really!!! I am done with them.

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      • No you don’t! You are doing a wonderful job. Stay true to you I admire your strength. They do not deserve in my opinion, until they can see and hear the real you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes it’s very strange behaviour and hard to get your head around but I think my mother doesn’t want to see anything ugly or dirty. She is an obssessive cleaner too. She pretends that everything is ok

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