This morning I made a choice not to indulge my feelings of sadness. I woke up with that familiar hurt deep inside. The origin of the hurt is from long ago, all those feelings from the past that were stuffed down without a space to keep them. They were too big and scary and life threatening for a five year old girl to deal with.
I can identify and label that hurt now because it is quite distinct. It’s from a deep inner wound. Before I started going for counselling and processing the past, I would describe my feelings as as mass of jumbled emotions that I was overwhelmed by. They would often put me in freeze mode and I would have great difficulty being ok. Maybe on the outside I looked ok, but I definitely wasn’t inside.
But things have changed now. The healing process has started and my feelings are more manageable. I have sorted through them and can label them and put them in a place where they are both acknowledged and embraced.
So this morning I noticed the feeling and observed it, but made a conscious choice to put it aside and carry on getting ready for work. I put my son on the school bus and waved goodbye and blew kisses to him. I had breakfast and watched the news with interest and I danced in the shower. The deep hurt was still there and I paused to write in my journal and acknowledge that it was there. I wrote about the feeling being from the past. A time when I didn’t have choice and I was powerless. I am safe now and it’s over and I want to move forward and thrive. It was an empowering moment for me because I realised that I am in control now. I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate.
Maybe the deep hurt has met the inward tenderness in the form of the self-love that I have been developing and maybe the deep hurt is ok with that. It is heard and seen and it has its place in my life but doesn’t define it. It is not stuffed down any longer. So rather than an open wound that is bleeding and left unattended; it is a wound that is drying and a scab is forming. I don’t want to keep picking open that scab so that it bleeds again and again. My wound will eventually form a scar once I allow the scab to fully dry and peel off on its own.