I have treated myself badly


Today my heartbreaks for the way I have learnt to treat myself.

I feel a heavy sadness in my heart, like a thousand needles in my chest. I shed tears for myself for the first time.

I haven’t been kind to myself. I have looked after others and repressed my true feelings.

I have been angry and dismissive of myself for feeling irritable, angry, restless and sad.

I have exacted perfection from myself always, in every situation. I haven’t tolerated mistakes, faults or weaknesses.

I have blamed myself and made myself wrong all the time. I have believed the worst in myself by default and believed that I was wrong in the first instance.

I have judged myself harshly.

I even apologised profusely while I was giving birth to my son. I apologised that it was taking so long (I kid you not dear reader). As if it was my fault that my son was a transverse baby and the labour was prolonged.

I have tried to self-harm by pulling my hair from its roots and scratching my arms

I have over-exercised and starved myself

I have pleased others and been deeply compassionate while I showed no mercy to myself

All of this was not my fault, it’s what childhood sexual abuse does.

I am sad but also hopeful that I can start from this very moment to be kind and gentle and tolerant and compassionate and accepting and loving and patient with myself. All of the things I deserve and am worthy of.


10 thoughts on “I have treated myself badly

  1. It is a challenge to change a life of doing things one way to another, or reactions to them. But doable. I could have written this myself as it outlines my own self harshness. Mistakes were grievous. Not allowed. Continuing to chip away at the old voices does work and help over time. I don’t crack over every mistake, or mourn over it. I used to beat myself emotionally for days even over simple mistakes. the larger ones still haunt me.
    I think true compassion starts at home, within. When able to to feel those things for oneself, the compassion expands including others. As I learn to connect better within myself, I find myself more able to tolerate the faults and weaknesses of others, accepting them more fully because I’m beginning to do so finally where it matters most, within me. It has taken a very long time to get here.
    It is sad to think back to how hard I’ve been with myself, yet the new feelings and opportunities for growth, change and more positive feelings awaiting with each new day are boundless, hopeful and joyful…even just a moment admiring the beauty of my own hand; the delicate bones, the hand that strokes a child’s head sweeping a wisp of hair back or cooling a fevered forehead. The hand that washes a dish with soapsuds, connects to a person just as whole, compassionate and beautiful. It is true, and OK to believe.

    Liked by 3 people

    • That is the most beautifully articulated and hopeful response. yes there were times when i would agonise over perceived mistakes for days too. You are right that it takes a long long time to change all those neural pathways but it can be done. The brain is malleable and we can recondition our mind heart and body to love ourselves. I hadn’t thought about it before but yes, when we can forgive ourselves and stop expecting perfection within, we can start tolerating imperfection in others. I think i am starting slowly to do that, I feel a subtle change; in that I don’t hold onto things for too long.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Apologising profusely for something that’s not even your fault – i did the exact same thing when i broke my arm and it wouldn’t go back into place with the usual methods so i had to have an operation – i must have apologised to the doctor about a hundred times, as though i have some inherent personal weakness that meant my arm wouldn’t fix properly like everybody else’s. how crazy! the doctor was very nice about it though x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I know exactly what you mean. I am sorry that you can relate to this. Isn’t it sad the way we learn to apologise for ourselves all the time. It’s something that we have to unlearn. My hope is that as we learn to love ourselves more we will apologise less and have a stronger sense of our self-worth. Thank you as always for commenting and supporting me. Sending you much love and warmth!

      Liked by 1 person

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