Today my heartbreaks for the way I have learnt to treat myself.
I feel a heavy sadness in my heart, like a thousand needles in my chest. I shed tears for myself for the first time.
I haven’t been kind to myself. I have looked after others and repressed my true feelings.
I have been angry and dismissive of myself for feeling irritable, angry, restless and sad.
I have exacted perfection from myself always, in every situation. I haven’t tolerated mistakes, faults or weaknesses.
I have blamed myself and made myself wrong all the time. I have believed the worst in myself by default and believed that I was wrong in the first instance.
I have judged myself harshly.
I even apologised profusely while I was giving birth to my son. I apologised that it was taking so long (I kid you not dear reader). As if it was my fault that my son was a transverse baby and the labour was prolonged.
I have tried to self-harm by pulling my hair from its roots and scratching my arms
I have over-exercised and starved myself
I have pleased others and been deeply compassionate while I showed no mercy to myself
All of this was not my fault, it’s what childhood sexual abuse does.
I am sad but also hopeful that I can start from this very moment to be kind and gentle and tolerant and compassionate and accepting and loving and patient with myself. All of the things I deserve and am worthy of.