“Please talk to me I miss you,” is the desperate text I received from my mother yesterday.
I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in almost two years. I have confronted my mother about the abuse and she says that it couldn’t have happened. She says that she doesn’t remember any of it. My father has not tried to contact me and when they had their “family meeting” which I was excluded from of course, he said that “there were other men around me” at the age of my allegations.
My mother regularly sends me texts but never says anything about the abuse. Her texts are the same as the ones she sent before I confronted her. I think her texts are a way for her to imagine or believe that nothing has changed. I never reply to her texts, I immediately delete them.
Yesterday’s text was different and it made me angry and sad. I protected them by keeping a heavy secret for them. I was always the perfect little, obliging daughter who respected them and even when I left for the UK, I used to keep in touch and send money and feel responsible for them.
I don’t feel responsible anymore. I am not going to text back because SHE misses me. She has to face her own demons and when she is ready to discuss what REALLY happened then I will be here. Until such time, I have nothing to say to her. I am protecting the little girl in me and looking after the adult me. I am doing the things that a mother should do for myself.
Believe me it’s not an easy thing to do; shutting your mother out! But it is a very necessary thing for me because the abuse I suffered has had profound effects on me and my life. I have learnt that I will always have to do things differently. My childhood was far from normal or ordinary.