“Please talk to me I miss you,” is the desperate text I received from my mother yesterday.
I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in almost two years. I have confronted my mother about the abuse and she says that it couldn’t have happened. She says that she doesn’t remember any of it. My father has not tried to contact me and when they had their “family meeting” which I was excluded from of course, he said that “there were other men around me” at the age of my allegations.
My mother regularly sends me texts but never says anything about the abuse. Her texts are the same as the ones she sent before I confronted her. I think her texts are a way for her to imagine or believe that nothing has changed. I never reply to her texts, I immediately delete them.
Yesterday’s text was different and it made me angry and sad. I protected them by keeping a heavy secret for them. I was always the perfect little, obliging daughter who respected them and even when I left for the UK, I used to keep in touch and send money and feel responsible for them.
I don’t feel responsible anymore. I am not going to text back because SHE misses me. She has to face her own demons and when she is ready to discuss what REALLY happened then I will be here. Until such time, I have nothing to say to her. I am protecting the little girl in me and looking after the adult me. I am doing the things that a mother should do for myself.
Believe me it’s not an easy thing to do; shutting your mother out! But it is a very necessary thing for me because the abuse I suffered has had profound effects on me and my life. I have learnt that I will always have to do things differently. My childhood was far from normal or ordinary.
tellingheavysecrets 
I am new to your blog. I have not spoken to my own parents for 15 months now. My father always said he believed me then suddenly said no, he doesn’t. I was devastated. And my mother doesnt. It took me an extremely long time to shut them out.
I can understand how that text might make you feel.
Anyways, thank you for your post. I think it’s awesome that you are taking care of yourself by keeping up such boundaries. It’s so necessary, especially when we are faced with such denial.
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Thank you and welcome. Yes it is very hard so well done to you too for looking after yourself.
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oh this is so hard…. You are doing the right thing by keeping up your boundaries, but man, is it hard 😦 Your mother’s behaviour sounds a lot like mine and it is utterly maddening. As you say, feeling both angry and sad by it. It’s so hard to understand. Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Yes it is extremely hard as I have always wanted to make things better for her. I now realise that I have no control over this. i step back now and allow her to make things better for herself by doing the right thing and standing up to my father. Something I sadly don’t think she is capable of after all this time. I can’t carry the burdens of others even if it is my own mother. I feel your warm thoughts my way. Thank you.
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What would you get by responding to your mother?
Do you have a burning need to have her in your life? Or like me, of late, just the sadness that comes from missing the idea of who I desperately wanted my mother to be. The other day my son’s friend was so excited when we dropped him off at his home — his grandmother was visiting and he leaped out of the car to see her.
I never had that and I will never have that. My children will not have that. For years I lied to myself, pretending that my mother was good — if she is good then she will be the mother I need her to be. The grandmother I wanted her to be for my children. But the thing is — for me — having my mother be “good” meant that I had to be the “bad” one. Protecting everyone from the abuse and from the truth of my mother’s mental illness; bearing the blame of all of it, including her own abusive behavior. I was the one to be blamed for the sexual abuse. For her volatile outbursts. For my stepfather’s deviant behavior. I’m not doing that anymore. And even now, it’s difficult for me to see myself as “good.” It’s easier to still carry the negative thoughts about myself. Like you, I’m working hard at rewiring my brain! 😉
Your story is unique, different than mine, and yet similar too. So I ask you again, what would you get if you replied to the text? Would it help you heal? Would it set you free? Would she suddenly be the mother you wanted her to be? OR are you that mother to yourself already? And would contact only set you back and cause you pain and confusion and suffering?
If my mother texted me, these would be the questions I would ask myself. And if I’m honest, if I ever did choose to respond, it would be to unleash all of my rage and anger upon her in the hope that she would crumble, wilt and apologize for all of the suffering she has caused me. (And still causes me as the nasty voice in my head.) But really, what would I get from that? Nothing. Because she will never have the response or reaction I’m looking for. And I know this.
Just some things to muddle through. You’re doing a great job and as always I feel honored to be a part of your process. Much love to you! Stay brave and strong and true to your heart.
~Jessica
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I loved your reply as it made me ponder deeply many things and in many ways confirm my own thoughts. Honestly any contact with her will only hold me back as I would continue to maintain her lie that it didn’t happen. Like you, I miss the ‘idea’ of having a mother and the ‘idea’ of my son having a grandmother. I was blessed to have a very close relationship with my father’s mother. She was the woman who gave me unconditional love and stood up for me. Her and one aunt. My son has me only and that’s ok.
A year ago I would have texted back angry words but now I feel even that will detract from my healing because it would fall on deaf ears. My mother refuses to see and hear me. She always has, so even my rage would go unheard.
I am learning that she let me down and always will and so I have accepted that and all the sadness it entails. I am growing slowly an internal mother and a stronger me to replace her.
I am sad that you have struggled with the same deep wounds but there is great hope for us, that we can rewire our brains and create new neural pathways which means we will love ourselves, have great self-worth and not blame ourselves for the wrongs of others.
Sending you much love and hope. Thank you!
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oh wow, I so feel for you. It always helps me that no one ever questions my decision to have no contact with my mom. Actually it sometimes really scares me that no one questions my truth…like I don’t even believe myself so why do others, without knowing, “know” that something must be very wrong for me to behave in such a way. Why do others believe that I must have a very good reason for not seeing or talking to my mom. So I am telling you that I believe you also have a very good reason and that you need to honor that. I believe you. And I also know that it is a very difficult decision.
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Thank you. You are so so right. I do have a very good reason for not wanting to have any contact with her. I think there could be no better reason! It is truly a difficult but necessary decision. I am choosing ME over her just like she chose to support my father and not believe me. I have only myself and I am learning to look after me. Sometimes when we choose the most difficult things we find our way. When we stick to the old familiar ‘comforts’ we never change things. Change is hard!
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Good for you to protect your inner child & adult self. You owe her nothing.
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Thank you Tina. Yes you are right, I don’t owe her anything. She neglected me badly as a child and still refuses to SEE and HEAR me. I owe it to myself to move away.
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This makes me feel teary.
Necessary for your survival, I know that. Yet so sad…for you especially.
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Yes, Sometimes we have to do the most difficult things to look after ourselves. This is me putting myself first for the first time in my relationship with her. It is me saying NO it wasn;t ok what happened and it’s not ok now that you still deny it. In a strange way it is also a way to make things uncomfortable for her so that she can decide if she wants to continue to lie to herself or face the truth. I know that she will continue the lie but she has a choice and in it the seeds of her own liberation.
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