Healing from childhood sexual abuse is a long, difficult process. We leap sometimes, and other times we stumble, fall and even collapse. But we hold on tight to that hope, and we envision a life without deep insecurity and self-destructive thought patterns and feelings. We dream of connecting with people deeply and attracting and being attracted to healthy people. We imagine being more self-confident and expressive.
In my weekly counselling session yesterday I told my counsellor how being abused has taken me so far from myself. How disconnected I feel from myself sometimes. When I am far from myself, I feel small and scared and full of misplaced shame. When I take my hand and hold myself close, I feel stronger and more courageous. The old feelings and thought patterns distance me from myself because that is exactly what they were designed to do. I was five years old when my father abused me and my little body and mind had to run away from the reality. All the coping mechanisms kicked in for my survival and I am in awe of their power.
But those old feelings and thoughts don’t match my present reality. I am safe now and it’s over. I am a strong independent woman who has stood up for herself and divorced an abusive man. I have stood up for myself and distanced myself from my toxic parents. I am making decisions about my future independently. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I deserve the attention. I have the understanding, clarity and awareness I need to keep going on this journey. I observe the old feelings but don’t act on them or believe them. I don’t need you now, thank you but I am ok now.
I am loved, needed and wanted. I hold myself close again after a few days of feeling disconnected and small. I will keep reconnecting and my inner mother is here with me always fanning those flames.
Stick with yourself.