Yesterday was a strange day.
It was up there with the strangest of them.
It was the first day of my period and my mood quickly descended into a state of paranoia. In this state of mind, I decided that people I hadn’t spoke to in ages were upset with me. Why were they upset with me? Maybe because I thought they frowned at me or they didn’t smile at me. I believed that I was responsible for everyone’s moods. It was my fault if people looked sad or unhappy or were having a bad day. My mind went over and over the possibilities and the reasons I was to blame. These thoughts led me to feel worse and worse and I became quieter. I shrank both mentally and emotionally.
The whole world hated me yesterday and I had supposedly hurt so many people.
I know that I didn’t hurt anyone and that I was not in anyway responsible for everyone’s moods but it was a powerful state of mind that made me see reality in such a different way.
It makes me question how often I see reality in a distorted way due to being triggered and taken back to past feelings. This time, maybe the trigger was the painful cramps and the hormones that accompany menstruation. I don’t know the whys and hows fully, but I do know how strong that feeling was, and how it changed my perception of others and myself.
Today I am seeing the same people at work and the paranoia is gone. I am an individual, not responsible for others and I haven’t done anything wrong. I acknowledge and believe that I am so polite and kind that it is highly unlikely I could have upset anyone.
Incredible how powerful cognitive distortions can be!
Don’t believe everything you think!
tellingheavysecrets 
I totaly with you on this and those unrealistic paranoias! Mixed up with hormones it can be such a challenge.
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Yes it was a real challenge. Thanks for understanding! I am not crazy after all!
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Yes, it’s so hard the places that paranoia will take you, especially combined with hormones. Perspective is so important to be aware of.
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Thanks for your comment. Yes, losing perspective for whatever reason can take you down a completely different path!
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I grew up with toxic parents.Now i moved away,i live in my own home,but i’m still financially dependent on them (but this situation won’t last for long,i hope).Money was the only thing my parents gave during my whole life.For the rest,they emotionally destroyed me by both phisical and emotional violence.I can’t go no contact with them yet because i need their money,at least until i get my own job.If i don’t let them pay my bills,i risk losing my home,which is my biggest nightmare.I’m terrified of moving back with them.So,i’m forced to visit them from time to time.
My narc parents hate each other and they humiliate each other and fight all the time.They are trying to get me to empathize with one of them against the other.For example,my mother expects me to have compassion for her when my father insults her.But i just can’t because,as you so well put it,i’m not responsible for their mood.They should solve their domestic violence problems on their own,by seeking URGENT medical help.But all they do is deny,deny,deny.
Each time i visit them,i feel in danger.Also,i feel like i’m betraying myself by keeping contact with them and by exposing myself to their toxicity.
Years ago,when my father hit me,my mother told me that it was my fault,that i provoked him,that i’m too sensitive etc.I begged her to let me go to the police,but she would not even hear of it.Now i moved away and she’s all alone with him and she’s asking me for help.Am i supposed to give it to her? After all,i struggle with the trauma that they caused me.I’m not going to be there for them and i refuse to feel guilty about it.They should solve their problems like 2 mature adults.I’m busy rebuilding my life,recovering and healing.
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You are right to think that you don’t deserve to be treated this way by your parents. Any kind of abuse; emotional or physical is completely unacceptable and you shouldn’t have to put up with it! As you say, you are still financially dependent which make sit difficult to have no contact with them but hopefully you are working towards being in a situation where you don’t have to depend on them for money. In the meantime keep looking after yourself and your needs and I am glad that you are trying to heal and rebuild your life. Your instincts are good and will lead you away from those people and situations that bring you down! I know its incredibly hard to distance oneself from parents but it is a necessary part of healing sometimes. Unfortunately it has been this way for me to!!Sending you warm wishes for your journey ahead.
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Those damn triggers — this totally freaks me out: “It makes me question how often I see reality in a distorted way due to being triggered and taken back to past feelings.” Because I wonder that very thing often. I think we need to just keep noticing and naming the triggers. I’m learning that any time I have a viscerally strong emotion, I’m usually triggered. It’s tough to catch them because sometimes they’re so insignificant — but we need to keep working on this. This is huge in our recovery. I also think the more we step forward in being strong and taking care of ourselves, the more we’ll suffer from feeling bad about taking care of ourselves. That’s our fear of being hurt … I think anyway. I believe that this will eventually shift too. What do you think? Keep up the good work. I hear you and I get it.
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Yes the triggers are hard to catch and especially to sort the past from the present. But I do believe the more we do the work of noticing the faster we will be able to catch them and prevent them from distorting present reality.
And I agree completely that the more we look after ourselves the more inner resistance we will feel. When I change the way I normally react or respond to things, the bad feeling comes up to tell me that this is the way I should be doing it because I have always done it that way!! But I guess if we continue to do it differently, despite the resistance and the fear, we are in effect getting louder and stronger than the past and all the old feelings and thought patterns. Its a battle with the old way and we are on out way my fellow warrior! I am so happy to share this ride with you.
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This is a really wonderful post as you observed your own thoughts even though the day before you were caught up in them.
I don’t have periods any more but I used to really suffer on those days as they triggered so much for me. When I could learn about what was triggered and love myself through it, the pain started to lift.
Did you know that at a time in collective history when women and their menstral power came to be feared women may have been looked on as possessed by demons, its just an out there idea but maybe what you were sensing had some deep collective ancestral roots?? Just a thought. Hugs.
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Thank you for your reflective comments, always look forward and enjoy reading your input. Yes there is so much going on when we have periods the hormones, the separateness women feel and I think it has a lot to do with the general perception of menstruation in society. In some cultures women were made to isolate themselves from the rest of the group during this time and weren’t allowed to cook. In fact in my own religion women can’t pray during this time. It’s time for women to celebrate and reclaim this power. Hugs to you!
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P.S. Where I was going with that idea was women may have been looked on askance or set aside in some way.
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I understand completely!
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