Fallout!

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After publishing my last post on this site I have been feeling very vulnerable. I posted a photograph of myself at the age of five; the time of the abuse.

I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. It’s brought up so much again and I am feeling really self-conscious and fragile. I am a little girl again, and I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel like people are deliberately being mean to me!

 I am trying to look after myself, went for a swim this morning and it felt good to immerse myself in the warm water. I lay on my back and looked up at the skylight of the indoor pool and I felt ok for a while. But it was short-lived, because after a shower and now back at work. I am feeling awful again.

Have I said too much, shown too much, gone too far? What’s going to happen? The truth is nothing bad is going to happen. The little girl is safe, I am safe. It’s because I have really put myself out there, after over three decades of hiding from myself and others. And now my story is out there on the world wide web, with a face to go with it.

I am going to look after myself this weekend, book a massage maybe, take myself out shopping and just generally be gentle and kind to the brave warrior that I am. I try to imagine myself encircled by love as I walk around doing all the things I have to do.

Thank you all for your warmth and support, need it today!

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17 thoughts on “Fallout!

  1. That beautiful innocent little girl is safe the horrors are over! The only person who can hurt her now is you. Look after her love her nurture her. I understand your feelings of exposure. However she is loved and adored by people who matter. Protect her but don’t hide her. She deserves her place in the world. Look after you be gentle. Hold her hand and remind her often she is safe.
    I love your Dr Seuss cartoon brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We all hid far too long under the control of our abusers . It takes practice on my part and belief of myself my capabilities. We now have that power back to been seen and heard.

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  3. I am not saying to do so, but there’s no reason why you can’t edit your post and remove the adorable photo of you as a beautiful child, keeping her private if you wish too. The story could represent many of us. Do what makes you feel comfortable, don’t force comfort where there is none. I make changes sometimes because I don’t go on gut instinct as it was taken from me. So I make changes a day or two later, or longer. You as a little girl remains adorable and beautiful either way. She is yours to cherish in whatever way you choose. Love both.

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  4. I hear you. I hear you! I hear you! I do this all of the time. After every single post. I’m using more photos and my husband’s and children’s names (with their permission) and it feels so incredibly scary. I hate the fallout. I struggle with it constantly. And yet I keep posting. I keep making myself visible. I have to and it’s worth the pain of the fallout. It’s part of my process. Notice the fallout but don’t lose your power or your voice because of it. Whatever you do — leave the picture or remove it — make sure you’re choosing and not responding from fear. I deleted all of these paragraphs from the Whole Children Post the other day and then I felt so upset and hidden and like I had quieted my own voice, so I went back and added everything back in. Funny thing is — that piece isn’t especially vulnerability inducing — part of it was just my day. You may not feel okay, and I get that, I truly do — but I think you’re okay. And I’m with you. For what it’s worth. I am.

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    • I decided to keep it up there because I realised that part of the discomfort, besides the fear and vulnerability, was the misplaced shame, like I would be punished for putting it up there or that I had done something bad. That is an old feeling, that I am reprogramming in my mind and so I am going to stay with the discomfort and keep it out there. You are absolutely right to say that we need to make ourselves visible and stop hiding our voices and ourselves. We have nothing to be ashamed of and if anything people can learn and be helped by our boldness. Yes, we are both ok! We survived the worst of it already, it’s the old thoughts and feelings we are bravely facing now. The reality has changed we just need to train our brains and bodies that it has! Hope I am making sense lol, I am just typing away.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so glad you kept it up there. In my heart I believed you both needed and wanted it there and I suspected that the shame, fear and vulnerability hangover were doing their old song and dance. Learning to manage the fallout is a huge piece of our work. I hate it. ; ) But the more I keep holding my space the easier its becoming to navigate. You’re making perfect sense to me! XO

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  5. I think your feelings are totally understandable and may I say natural if you have undergone severe abuse. I really relate to the fear that comes when we really open up. I only want to encourage you to know that your post will help so many other people who struggle to minimise or hide the abuse they may have endured. And in writing it you have been very brave and given a huge gift to others who struggle and suffer in silence or are minimised.

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