Wholeness through rawness (this is not a pretty post)

hand over mouth

Woke up this morning with a very raw feeling in the centre of me. My counselling session churned up dirty, ugly, things from the past and I am sitting with all the hard stuff that has bubbled up.

We talked about some painful realisations that I have made. Of how the body remembers all the trauma, how it is trapped deep in the cells. I have always had the habit of putting my right hand over my mouth to cover it completely.  I do this without even realising it. I know, on the deepest level of knowing, that it was the giant hand of my father over my little mouth when he was abusing me. That hand is so symbolic; both physically and emotionally, of the silencing, the repressing! I did to myself what he he did to me all those years ago. My mind doubted what my body knew all along!

When I got married, I couldn’t make love to my husband at first, for a very long time. The muscles of my vagina contracted and my muscles tightened, I just couldn’t. I felt so weird and alien. Again, my body remembered and knew, yet I never admitted to myself what he did.

It’s horrible to talk about this, to think it, to feel it, but the horror, the shame, the ugliness, is not mine and is not me! I feel so overwhelmed by disgust today, feel physically ill and dizzy. My body is retelling my story. The story that my father tried to get me to swallow. The disgust is spewing out into my cells.

My father used to call me “Big Ears” because I was an inquisitive child. He said my legs looked like upside-down bottles. So yes, I could sit here and bring up every hurtful thing he said and did, but I am going to change the angle of the camera. I am tired and weary, the weight of it drains me.

So instead, I am going to focus on the love and the gentleness that I need to give to myself today. How I need to just sit with myself through the pain and disgust and sadness and just rock myself gently the way my grandmother did to make me sleep.

I know by now that we become whole by turning ourselves inside out, by ripping ourselves apart so that we can put all the pieces back together. Tiny piece by piece. We become whole by embracing all the darkness and staying with ourselves gently throughout the process. Even at those times when the journey makes us want to jump off the train and run in the opposite direction. We become whole when we mindfully pause and observe the racing thoughts and their twin feelings.

We become whole when we realise again that we are complete and enough despite it all and that we are not the past, or the feeling or the thought.

We are the permanent essence within, the deep inner core at the centre. The quiet place of love and beauty and great inner strength. The flame that never never dies out, the boulders that stand firm and strong in the storm.


15 thoughts on “Wholeness through rawness (this is not a pretty post)

  1. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I relate to a lot of this even though I did not go through this level of physical abuse. Its SO IMPORTANT to express it and get it out of the cells. At times I feel so nauseous when my traumatic imprints are evoked. Its such a profound mystery how our body cells hold a record of EVERY SINGLE THING that happens to us. There is a raw, primal truth in this that NEEDS to be expressed and let go, so we can open to love and leave behind the prison of silence and fear. Huge hugs to you for facing this and writing about it THS xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so brave for expressing yourself and staying the course. I think I’ve mentioned this to you before, but my remembering came to me while getting acupuncture — two years ago in March. I was feeling so very far away from myself. Filled with self-loathing and negative beliefs about myself. I think my body was just done. It couldn’t collude with my mind and my mind was running out of gas. The remembering came like a wave. It washed over me and I just cried “Oh no. Oh no. Oh no!” As I was flooded with the body memories. My acupuncturist kept her hand on my leg. “Don’t let go!” I cried. “I’ve got you she said.” And she did. And the water just washed and washed and washed. All of the shame and disgust I had been suffocating for years made sense. All of a sudden I had the missing piece to my life’s puzzle. It was and is horrible but honestly, knowing is so much better than not. Because now, when I’m flooded with disgust and wretchedness, I can somehow anchor myself and hold on to the inherent knowing that this is NOT me. These painful awful feelings are NOT my story. And when I feel incredibly overwhelmed by it all, I now have a community of support surrounding me. Holding me. Loving me. We will rip out the residue that was deposited in every single cell and replace it with love and self-care. We will. Lately, as my vulnerability, shame and anxiety escalate it’s harder to see clearly; it’s so hard not cave to the old story line. Knowing that you get this, that you are here, charting your own course helps me deeply. Thank you for your honest writing and your willingness to keep showing up. I’m with you my friend. I am with you and grateful that I we have found each other here. Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am very grateful to have you in my corner too my friend! Yes I believe we can rip it out too and put all the pieces of ourselves back together minus the evil things we swallowed that were not ours. It’s unbelievable how powerful the disgust the fear and the shame feels when in takes over my body. I become someone else! Today I am myself again warm compassionate strong loving yesterday I was hateful to God angry insecure resentful and small.


  3. This thought just came to me- when you’ve written enough, and you feel somehow steadier on your feet, your writing, your story, might serve thousands of others as a book. Not if you’re not there, but i just keep thinking; this story speaks so much and so well.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I’ve worked with so many kids and adults who’ve been through the same kinds of horror. I’m sure that doesn’t help, but you are by FAR not alone. Your writing voice is just so lovely. You’ll find the right answer for what to do with your story. Keep writing and we’ll keep reading.

        Liked by 1 person

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