Working hard in my sleep

surviving-to-thriving-big

I believe that our psyches seek wholeness and healing and I believe that dreams are important.

My healing doesn’t end when I close my eyes and lay my head on my pillow at night. In some ways, the most important work is done as I sleep.

Last night I dreamt that I stood up to my father and told him I would ‘tell’. I was all grown up and not a helpless five year old girl. I was bold and confident and loud. I was in the bathroom, naked and he kept walking in on me without knocking. Violating my boundaries and I was alone. My mother wasn’t around just like when I was five. But the big difference is that I was screaming at him to get out and telling him that I would tell. That I was going to tell on him. He screamed back at me and I wasn’t afraid.

I walked out of the house in search of my aunt because I was determined to tell and get help for myself. I walked and walked to a house full of people. Two of my cousins were outside on their bicycles and I asked them where my aunt was.

I went into the huge house and there were people everywhere. My grandmother who passed away was in the house but she didn’t see me. My father followed me and everywhere I looked he was watching my every move.

I kept searching for my aunt. I went back outside and my aunt’s daughter told me to ring her.

I phoned her but when she answered the phone I could tell she was sad and I felt like I couldn’t tell her, that I was a burden. I asked how she was instead of telling, I was looking after her. Like I always look after others instead of me. I told her  finally and then there was silence from her….nothing…and then I woke up.

I woke up this morning filled with fear but proud that I had stood up for myself. It was an empowering dream.

Later this morning the same aunt who I was looking for in the dream messaged to say her husband, my uncle, had been admitted into hospital yesterday and was having an operation because they had discovered a clot in his brain. This particular aunt and uncle were like my mother and father when I was little and I spent lots of time with them. They loved me.

I feel drained, tired and emotional today. The dream. My aunt. My uncle. My father.

Dreams are important and our psyches want to heal.

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17 thoughts on “Working hard in my sleep

  1. Very powerful and empowering dream indeed. It sounds like a lucid dream to me and that you managed to stand up for yourself and rewrite your own story/history. This is really a significant moment in your life!
    You have a great intuition and it shows when you sensed something unusual with your aunt and uncle. I have had a similar experience with my grandma too. I hope your uncle will be able to get over the hump and recover from the clot. My healing thoughts are with you and your uncle.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m a big fan of rewriting history, retelling a story with a different ending, or making a new story to comfort a former self. That’s me, of course, and maybe not for everyone. I wonder though if it would be useful to you to consciously continue that dream and imagine your aunt goes on to respond to you in a loving, understanding and concerned way. Or that she calls the police and has your father arrested. Or whatever might feel good to you.

    Healing wishes to your uncle – and to you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I love this dream and your willingness to heal. To look so deeply and to do the work. This totally creeped me out: “My father followed me and everywhere I looked he was watching my every move.” This was my stepfather. Suffocating and always hovering and watching. It was exhausting. It makes me nauseous to even think about it.

    I’m sorry about your uncle and I’m holding you in my heart as you hold a space for your own emotions and fatigue. Stay strong and confident in your body and on your path. Thank you for sharing. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Jessica. I am sorry that you experienced the same suffocation and I know very well what you mean when you say, “it makes me nauseous to even think about it”.

      Yes, I need to trust this body of mine, this heart and my dreams. They are leading me to the right place. Thank you as always for your warmth and encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Power.
    We are powerless as children, loving our attackers; confused, betrayed, paralyzed. You take it back now as an adult, giving power to that child who had none. Scary, but that’s courage, being afraid yet doing it anyway. Wow!.
    Glad the operation went well, I will keep him in my thoughts, and you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s so interesting that we, as the victims, are fearful of telling so that we don’t “burden.” How can such tiny souls even know the heaviness we would be placing on another (in your case your aunt,) and yet we carried it within us for years, perhaps in some cases entire lives. Keep dreaming. Clearly your mind is doing some serious healing and damage control.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes you are absolutely right, we carried those heavy burdens and were made to feel that it was our burden to carry. I think when we are open to healing and honest about the past, the mind body and soul work together to move towards integration and wholeness and I have been working really hard on this for the past two years . I am so glad that I have stuck with it and so blessed to have such warm support from women who understand! Thank you for commenting.

      Like

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