Working hard in my sleep

I believe that our psyches seek wholeness and healing and I believe that dreams are important.

My healing doesn’t end when I close my eyes and lay my head on my pillow at night. In some ways, the most important work is done as I sleep.

Last night I dreamt that I stood up to my father and told him I would ‘tell’. I was all grown up and not a helpless five year old girl. I was bold and confident and loud. I was in the bathroom, naked and he kept walking in on me without knocking. Violating my boundaries and I was alone. My mother wasn’t around just like when I was five. But the big difference is that I was screaming at him to get out and telling him that I would tell. That I was going to tell on him. He screamed back at me and I wasn’t afraid.

I walked out of the house in search of my aunt because I was determined to tell and get help for myself. I walked and walked to a house full of people. Two of my cousins were outside on their bicycles and I asked them where my aunt was.

I went into the huge house and there were people everywhere. My grandmother who passed away was in the house but she didn’t see me. My father followed me and everywhere I looked he was watching my every move.

I kept searching for my aunt. I went back outside and my aunt’s daughter told me to ring her.

I phoned her but when she answered the phone I could tell she was sad and I felt like I couldn’t tell her, that I was a burden. I asked how she was instead of telling, I was looking after her. Like I always look after others instead of me. I told her  finally and then there was silence from her….nothing…and then I woke up.

I woke up this morning filled with fear but proud that I had stood up for myself. It was an empowering dream.

Later this morning the same aunt who I was looking for in the dream messaged to say her husband, my uncle, had been admitted into hospital yesterday and was having an operation because they had discovered a clot in his brain. This particular aunt and uncle were like my mother and father when I was little and I spent lots of time with them. They loved me.

I feel drained, tired and emotional today. The dream. My aunt. My uncle. My father.

Dreams are important and our psyches want to heal.