Why doing nothing is so hard.

art_of_stillness_featured

I’ve spent the last few days at home…doing nothing. It’s so hard for me to do nothing. It takes a lot of mental effort to convince myself that it’s ok to just relax in my pyjamas and not engage in any productive tasks. I have been sorting through cupboards as well; throwing away and putting aside for charity, but still that is not productive enough apparently. There is a part of me that believes I have to work harder, do better and improve all the time. The harsh voices and old feelings kick in telling me how I should be doing more and how lazy I am. How I should be out there meeting people, going to places etc.

I watch with awe and wonder as my son happily embraces the doing-nothing and finds things to do all day. I am so glad that he is comfortable at home and with his own company. He doesn’t say he is bored and protects loudly when I suggest a trip to the mall.

I, on the other hand, have to work at doing nothing (hahahah!). I am fine with it for a few hours and then a great feeling of irritation and resentment comes over me, and I look around me to find fault with things and people around me.

The loneliness sets in and I think about being all alone for New Years but these are old feelings and thoughts of course. I am not alone, I have my son and I have a network of friends only a button away. I could go out if I wanted to, read a book, organise an outing with someone else but choosing this nothingness is ok.

In the silence and emptiness of the nothingness, the feelings of being unworthy and unwanted bubble up, filling me with discomfort. To escape the discomfort, I look around at superficial things that I want to change.

I remind myself that I am still there, underneath all those feelings and that the loneliness and emptiness can teach me many things. It can teach me about the great treasures I have within, my inner resources that I can tap into at anytime.

It can teach me that my permanent essence is unaffected by the external and that in the very still centre of me there is love, beauty, courage, creativity and warmth and a spark that never dies!

I can learn to be comfortable in this nothingness knowing that doing nothing does not mean I am nothing or unworthy. I don’t have to earn my worthiness or completeness. It just IS. The stillness and quiet is a great gift that I would like to embrace for it can teach me how to stand right here where I am with the knowingness that this is where I am meant to be and that it is the best place for me. Whatever is meant for me in terms of relationships and opportunities will come to me because the universe is conspiring for me.

Isn’t it enough that I am a single mum healing from an abusive marriage and an abusive childhood. Isn’t it enough that I am going for counselling and  making meaningful connections with people on and offline. Yes, it is enough, I am enough and nothing is ok.

 

 

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Why doing nothing is so hard.

  1. I keep wondering if you will tire of reading my comments. My responses where I continually chime in: ME TOO! But alas, it’s true. We are miles away and I relate so profoundly to your experience.

    Thursday before Christmas I was in therapy, struggling so much. Anger. Hate. Rage. All brewing deeply and bubbling at the surface. I was so far from myself and do you know what I kept obsessing about? My jeans. My new jeans I had bought in September and finally just gotten hemmed. They were shorter than I wanted them to be and I had quickly thrown on white socks to make it to my appointment. I was in so much discomfort. So awful in my own skin. So afraid of my feelings that I was stuck on my jeans and socks; I even raised it in therapy to point out what I do to myself:

    “Why bother? I worked so hard to finally get the jeans and then have them hemmed and they’re not right. They’re awful. I hate them. I hate myself. Why bother trying to take care of myself?! It’s always going to feel like this.”

    Which is my hopeless child voice and my wounded pain. Not my wise inner voice but the wounded child I am trying to tend to. I laughed after I displayed my thinking to my therapist. “See?! See where my thinking can go?!” When I feel bad I can just get stuck and then I look to the external things to push me over — to spiral me down even more.

    I get this so much. How “In the silence and emptiness of nothingness, the feelings of being unworthy and unwanted bubble up, filling me with discomfort. To escape the discomfort, I look around at superficial things that I want to change.”

    I can be fine in one moment. Happy. Even feeling good and I wonder if in fact the feeling good is scary. “When will I be robbed of this?” And I scan the room and look for imperfections to rage at.

    What a journey. So much to learn and it’s so hard to let go of the old patterns but in the stillness I have to believe we can see our own light that saved us as children and is enabling us to thrive as adults.

    Sending love and gratitude to you. Thank you for this brave post!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Absoultely not! I never tire of your comments because you understand on a level that others who have not been through the same never would.

    You words are a reflection of me too….you say, ” When I feel bad I can just get stuck and then I look to the external things to push me over — to spiral me down even more. never.” I think I look for things around me that can bring me down too. I return to places and people that I know will hurt, maybe I feel I don’t deserve to be comfortable, maybe the old patterns are still so strongly embedded.

    As much as I am sad that you go through the same struggles, at the same time it feels so validating to be heard and seen on such a deep level.

    I too have faith and great hope that our inner flames can light the way forward as it has done all along. The light that helped us survive and thrive and make good choices. I like to think of myself as a flower that leaned towards the light all this time, going to my grandmother’s house when I was little, packing my little suitcase to spend holidays with her, leaving to go to university in a another country and never returning to live with my parents. I always knew what I needed to do to heal and I know the same is true of you. That inner light is our true selves, our wise and intuitive selves. The old feelings and harsh voices are not us, they are a result of the abuse.

    Wishing you a Happy New Year and a 2016 filled with continued healing and strength my beautiful warrior friend.

    Like

  3. I have also used “free” time to clean out cupboards and old boxes and things that aren’t really important. Then I ask myself, why am I doing this? Why am I not meeting with a friend or reading a book or going to the museum? But sometimes I think it just brings me a sense of peace to clear out the old stuff, especially at the end of the year. I listen to a podcast or recorded book and putz around my house. Maybe I’m hiding from the world, sometimes, but then again, maybe I am practicing being enough in my own company. The same actions can have so many different meanings.

    At any rate, you are so right that the beautiful, creative, warm spark is always there and doesn’t have to be proven by any particular accomplishment. You may have been made to feel, in the past, that you were only worthy if you did certain things (in a certain way, at a certain time, when a certain person wanted them…) but now you know that was a cruel lie you can throw away with the junky old things from the closet.

    Wishing you much happiness in 2016, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Its beautiful this post and I so relate. I really relate to what you wrote :
    “I think I look for things around me that can bring me down too. I return to places and people that I know will hurt, maybe I feel I don’t deserve to be comfortable, maybe the old patterns are still so strongly embedded.”
    Sometimes we may have to hurt ourselves over and over by returning to these old patterns.
    Where in society these day do we hear messages, “spend time with yourself, you are enough, you can be full from within”, those seem to be the messages we never hear except from people like yourself.
    I really relate to that difficulty with doing nothing. I need to look to my dog more for an example of how to just “be” in the moment without filling it up with lots of things. When I can and do sink into the moment I do find a well of absolute peace that far surpasses any passing entertainment in the outside world. This is a great blog message from you to take into the New Year. Sending you lots of love and wishes for 2016 and thanking you too for reading and supporting my blog in 2015.
    your comment

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Loved this. Can relate as I just spent the last week doing a whole lot of nothing, and actually wondering why I didn’t feel more guilty. I’ve decided that at this point in time, I did what was best and most nurturing for myself. I slept insane amounts of time away, I spent many minutes gazing at the twinkling lights on my christmas tree and most days in my jammies. Don’t struggle with justifying, just do it. I can attest to the healing which will come from it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thank you, yes I have that tendency to try and justify to myself and the harsh inner critic that it’s ok that I am doing nothing and not being productive. But as you say it is productive because I am resting and healing as you say. That can’t be a bad thing and will benefit me and everyone I interact with. Thank you! Happy New year!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s