I’ve spent the last few days at home…doing nothing. It’s so hard for me to do nothing. It takes a lot of mental effort to convince myself that it’s ok to just relax in my pyjamas and not engage in any productive tasks. I have been sorting through cupboards as well; throwing away and putting aside for charity, but still that is not productive enough apparently. There is a part of me that believes I have to work harder, do better and improve all the time. The harsh voices and old feelings kick in telling me how I should be doing more and how lazy I am. How I should be out there meeting people, going to places etc.
I watch with awe and wonder as my son happily embraces the doing-nothing and finds things to do all day. I am so glad that he is comfortable at home and with his own company. He doesn’t say he is bored and protects loudly when I suggest a trip to the mall.
I, on the other hand, have to work at doing nothing (hahahah!). I am fine with it for a few hours and then a great feeling of irritation and resentment comes over me, and I look around me to find fault with things and people around me.
The loneliness sets in and I think about being all alone for New Years but these are old feelings and thoughts of course. I am not alone, I have my son and I have a network of friends only a button away. I could go out if I wanted to, read a book, organise an outing with someone else but choosing this nothingness is ok.
In the silence and emptiness of the nothingness, the feelings of being unworthy and unwanted bubble up, filling me with discomfort. To escape the discomfort, I look around at superficial things that I want to change.
I remind myself that I am still there, underneath all those feelings and that the loneliness and emptiness can teach me many things. It can teach me about the great treasures I have within, my inner resources that I can tap into at anytime.
It can teach me that my permanent essence is unaffected by the external and that in the very still centre of me there is love, beauty, courage, creativity and warmth and a spark that never dies!
I can learn to be comfortable in this nothingness knowing that doing nothing does not mean I am nothing or unworthy. I don’t have to earn my worthiness or completeness. It just IS. The stillness and quiet is a great gift that I would like to embrace for it can teach me how to stand right here where I am with the knowingness that this is where I am meant to be and that it is the best place for me. Whatever is meant for me in terms of relationships and opportunities will come to me because the universe is conspiring for me.
Isn’t it enough that I am a single mum healing from an abusive marriage and an abusive childhood. Isn’t it enough that I am going for counselling and making meaningful connections with people on and offline. Yes, it is enough, I am enough and nothing is ok.