Tired Rumi

Am not in the best of moods today. A woman who was supposed to bring her son over to my place for a play date with my son didn’t turn up this morning. My son was crying because he was expecting a friend to play with all day while I am at work. I cancelled another play date because of her. It’s not the first time that she has let me down. She is not good with punctuality and communication. Am I too exacting? I know she has another baby and works full time and so I can understand that she gets busy and overlooks things, but today I am just not my best self. It’s almost like I want to destroy things, friendships and barriers.

It just got me thinking of how careful I am always when I organise things to be on time, to check things beforehand. I feel that others are not so considerate of my time and my needs. Why am I always the one to be so sensitive to the feelings of others? So caring, so kind? When I am seldom afforded the same from people. I am learning also that so much of what people say is just social chitchat. They don’t actually mean what they say or say what they mean. I take things said quite literally.If I invite someone out or say I will do something, I really do it or apologise because I don’t like to let people down.

I feel its impolite not to text back and I am careful not to offend, always worrying about how other people will feel, remembering things.

I know that the anger and indignation today is masking other feelings like my very real fear of leaving the country where I have lived for the last five years. I am dealing with so much. Trying to sell things, ship things, get the relevant documentation needed etc etc. I asked my ex-husband to view properties for me so that I have a place to move into when we get there and it is proving difficult dealing with him. He is full of bitterness and adding to my stress, yet I have nobody else to help me.

And all of the above sends me down down into that familiar negative spiral of, “Why is my life always so difficult?” “Wouldn’t it be great if things were a bit easier for a change and by some miracle my ex-husband could bring out his humanity just for this very stressful time of my life?”

I can feel it all happening; the doom loop and I know it will pass and I will be ok again but right now I am sitting here feeling like , “Fuck! the world is shit and people just use people and life will always be hard for ME and I have to do everything alone and I wish I could just be awful to everyone and not care so much and I am sick of being so nice and why did so much bad happen to ME and I just want to cry a river of tears and be looked after for a change !”

So there you have it my rant! No apologies!




22 thoughts on “Overwhelmed

  1. I’m with you its common courtesy to let you know. At the end of the day a child is the one who was let down with no explanation. You are having a lot on your plate. No apology needed! beat in to that pillow if you need. Yes it too shall pass 💚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh that’s a hard one. I could easily trash a friendship for that, or once would. It’s your son’s pain that has tipped you over. And of course not surprising, being the kind, caring, person you are.
    I suppose she could have forgotten, both to come, or to call you. Could you text her letting her know your son reactions? At least that way she will know how her forgetting or carelessness affected your child, and in addition let her know you also cancelled another play date because of her? I have an extremely hard if not impossible time telling others how or why they hurt me, so if you can do this I will give you a trophy.
    I emailed my son, now living in Boston. I asked him what sites he used to find flats in London. Maybe that will help you. He found his flat completely that way. What area are you looking at? They chose to live on London’s outskirts which was less crowded and much less expensive.
    Bekenham, Kent

    Liked by 3 people

      • Yes. I can flounder easily even in my protected world at home.
        But I think of you and what you are taking on, and though you are making changes that meet your needs and your sons needs, you are pretty much on your own. No parental support, or from siblings…the opposite, if anything.
        And I wonder, ‘How does she do it?’
        But you do. You are. Step by step, you are doing it. You’re almost there. It will be so exciting and I believe will bring all the changes and improvements you seek, and more. Keep plugging away.
        You are amazing, what you are accomplishing is just amazing!…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I can so relate to wondering sometimes what all of your kindness has gotten you in life… But in the end we wouldn’t want it any other way. You are dealing with a lot!!! Make sure you take time to be kind to yourself! My heart goes out to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Be gentle with yourself. Making a huge move like this could be awakening such a lot of your inner child’s fear and pushing her out of a comfort zone. It may be a reason why everything seems so hard at present. I totally understand all you have written here. I am a stickler for punctuality. It really annoys me if people leave me waiting without letting me know they will be late. It happened on the 28th when my brother was due to visit. He was 50 minutes late, both my Mum and I were in tears. I had thoughts like. My God, did something happen to him? When we have such high standards I think to it may be because of all the times we were let down and hurt or ignored or disregarded before. New things trigger old things that felt similar. Just be extra loving to yourself, this is a huge move for you. Sending you love.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Cancelling out on something as important as a play date at the last minute is only understandable if it happens once or twice and for reasons that make sense. A last minute cancellation throws you off and disregards the emotional needs of your child. If it is chronic than she’s mot so much scattered as self centered or thoughtless; which may be signs of emotional immaturity but people grow only when they are asked to. And the measure of their worth as friends is in the way they react to the request…

    I think that my comment sounds a bit stronger than I want it to. But I really think that learning how to take responsibility for honoring one’s commitments is a skill that should be in every adult’s tool kit.

    Liked by 1 person

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