Am not in the best of moods today. A woman who was supposed to bring her son over to my place for a play date with my son didn’t turn up this morning. My son was crying because he was expecting a friend to play with all day while I am at work. I cancelled another play date because of her. It’s not the first time that she has let me down. She is not good with punctuality and communication. Am I too exacting? I know she has another baby and works full time and so I can understand that she gets busy and overlooks things, but today I am just not my best self. It’s almost like I want to destroy things, friendships and barriers.
It just got me thinking of how careful I am always when I organise things to be on time, to check things beforehand. I feel that others are not so considerate of my time and my needs. Why am I always the one to be so sensitive to the feelings of others? So caring, so kind? When I am seldom afforded the same from people. I am learning also that so much of what people say is just social chitchat. They don’t actually mean what they say or say what they mean. I take things said quite literally.If I invite someone out or say I will do something, I really do it or apologise because I don’t like to let people down.
I feel its impolite not to text back and I am careful not to offend, always worrying about how other people will feel, remembering things.
I know that the anger and indignation today is masking other feelings like my very real fear of leaving the country where I have lived for the last five years. I am dealing with so much. Trying to sell things, ship things, get the relevant documentation needed etc etc. I asked my ex-husband to view properties for me so that I have a place to move into when we get there and it is proving difficult dealing with him. He is full of bitterness and adding to my stress, yet I have nobody else to help me.
And all of the above sends me down down into that familiar negative spiral of, “Why is my life always so difficult?” “Wouldn’t it be great if things were a bit easier for a change and by some miracle my ex-husband could bring out his humanity just for this very stressful time of my life?”
I can feel it all happening; the doom loop and I know it will pass and I will be ok again but right now I am sitting here feeling like , “Fuck! the world is shit and people just use people and life will always be hard for ME and I have to do everything alone and I wish I could just be awful to everyone and not care so much and I am sick of being so nice and why did so much bad happen to ME and I just want to cry a river of tears and be looked after for a change !”
So there you have it my rant! No apologies!