I am feeling really embarrassed to write this post. I feel ashamed and silly for feeling this way but I know to heal it I have to get it out there, to make sense of it. I am so hard on myself and I know I am being really harsh and I want to understand what is happening here.
As if I don’t already have enough going on in my life; with being a single mum and preparing to leave for another country; where I have to look for another job and find a place to stay etc. There is so much to do and organise, yet a month ago I decided to go on a dating site (a few) in my city. I made a bucket list of things I would like to do before I leave here and other than the desert trip, I wrote down go on a date with a man. I wanted it to be lighthearted and fun and nothing serious, just good conversation over coffee and nothing long term since I am leaving here in a few months anyway.
I went onto a site and I was really seriously considering cancelling my account because the guys on there were-how should I say this- not on there for the conversation. I didn’t put my picture up and nor did I put any personal details. the site only showed my profile with a female avatar with my online name, age, the fact that I am divorced and have a child and the city I live, that’s it.
I got loads of messages from men who wanted my number, wanted to meet and were calling me ‘beautiful’ (hahaha) even though they hadn’t even seen me. I ignored all of the messages because I didn’t get a good vibe from any of them.
Then last week I got a message from a man and it was really the first normal message. He had his picture up and he seemed ok. I started chatting to him on the website and the conversation was about travelling, food, cultures etc. It was refreshing to chat to him and after a few days of chatting, he asked if I could put a profile pic up but that it wouldn’t make a difference to our chats. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable putting my picture up on the site so I said I would email him a picture and so he gave his email address. I sent the picture and he said I was beautiful and that felt good to me of course. He then said the messages took long to go through on the site so could I give him my number so that we could what’s app and the chatting would be quicker. I felt ok about giving him my number because he seemed to be a genuine guy. I didn’t get any bad feelings like I had with all the other requests for my number.
Anyway he didn’t bombard me with texts but thanked me and the next day we started chatting on what’s app. The conversation really flowed well and I found him to be interesting, witty and fun. We chatted for a few hours and the conversation flowed and he said I was really interesting and he enjoyed our chats and I felt the same. The only thing I didn’t like was when we were talking about relationships and he brought up his ex-girlfriend and why the relationship had failed. He admitted he could be awkward but said that she was making demands on his time at work and he keeps work and home life separate because he is a principled man. I listened and contributed my thoughts but got a strange feeling because he was using the word “you” and it felt like he was talking directly to me. I told him it was scaring me and he said it was the subjective “you”. Anyway we ended the conversation because it was late and I needed to sleep. He was being playful and saying that he would try to keep me awake and then apologised.
The next day I got to work and started to feel that something was wrong. How could I like someone after only chatting to them a few days and seeing their photo on a profile. I felt like I was making a deep connection with someone I hardly know. I went into panic mode and started asking him so many question about his location, his job etc. He lives in a different country and so I asked why he would go on a website and choose an older divorced woman with a child to chat to in a different country even though he is a lot younger. He told me that I was overthinking everything and should enjoy the chatting since we both liked speaking to each other. He said he was in no hurry for anything to happen and that he is an instinctual person and just decided to message me and it paid off because I was the most interesting person he had met. That he had got the number of a woman from his own city on that site (it’s an international site) but that it didn’t feel right and they didn’t end up going out. But he also said that if I didn’t want to be in touch, we could stop talking and he would understand. He said he didn’t want to just stop talking but he would respect my view. I decided to continue speaking to him.
I am still chatting to him but it is bringing up all kinds of feelings, mostly that I am crazy to like someone so much after a few days based on words and photographs. He works for a software company and plays the guitar and sings with his friends in the evening and sent some of his music clips which I really liked. He is very independent minded and I am pleasantly surprised by things he does and thinks about every time we speak. He’s sent me pictures of himself paragliding and he takes wildlife photographs too. He said he is an only child and his parents raised him to be very independent. I am ashamed to say I started to go on websites to learn about scammers because he seems really too great to be true. How can this really nice guy be interested in me. He must have a dark intention, maybe to reel me in and then when I am hooked, tear my heart into a million pieces. I google reversed (yes you can do this) all the photographs he gave me, to see if they appear on other websites and are fake. But they seem to be genuine. Is he genuine? Did this really great thing happen to me? Or is another abuser in disguise? Is it my mother wound looking desperately for love in the wrong place again? Am I sabotaging this because I think I don’t deserve love? It’s hurting my head thinking about it, yet I feel excited and happy when we talk and I look forward to his texts.
Last night when he started chatting to me, I was analysing every word, looking for clues of something amiss and I started to read too much into them and he asked why I was taking everything so seriously. I can’t take words lightly, I am deep and analytical. He has a deep serious side too but enjoys joking, he flirts and compliments me … but again I read deeply into everything and question his intentions and compliments.
Wow!!! Al of this after five days of meeting on a site. He seems to respect my time and doesn’t disturb my time at work or with my son. He asked to see a photo of my son, saying he loves kids but I said I wasn’t comfortable doing that as I hardly knew him. There is a tension of many opposites going on. A very real and urgent need and impatience to be loved with a fearful threat of being hurt joined with excvitement and hope and being triggered by things in the present which take me back to the past too. When he ends a conversation abruptly, I become very hurt and want to lash out at him. Last night that happened at the end of a conversation and I asked him if he always leaves when he doesn’t get his way, but he said he was in a good mood and we should let things unfold and whatever would happen would happen.
I am really confused and questioning myself and him and feeling so flawed and ashamed and broken to be so torn in so many directions by a practical stranger. It can’t be this hard for everyone can it? Maybe I can’t do internet connections and I have to have the person in front of me, but I was married and that failed. Should I push him away or should I keep in control and continue chatting and see how things go? Will he hurt me, is he genuine? I have my period and I am also emotional and triggered. Will I have ever have a healthy relationship and put the past behind me? Will this turnout to be a disaster? Will I just keep repeating old patterns or this man the new kind of man that I have attracted due to my new healing self? I am so conflicted; a part of me wants him and another part is pushing him away.