Internet Dating

internet dating

I am feeling really embarrassed to write this post. I feel ashamed and silly for feeling this way but I know to heal it I have to get it out there, to make sense of it. I am so hard on myself and I know I am being really harsh and I want to understand what is happening here.

As if I don’t already have enough going on in my life; with being a single mum and preparing to leave for another country; where I have to look for another job and find a place to stay etc. There is so much to do and organise, yet a month ago I decided to go on a dating site (a few) in my city. I made a bucket list of things I would like to do before I leave here  and other than the desert trip, I wrote down go on a date with a man. I wanted it to be lighthearted and fun and nothing serious, just good conversation over coffee and nothing long term since I am leaving here in a few months anyway.

I went onto a site and I was really seriously considering cancelling my account because the guys on there were-how should I say this- not on there for the conversation. I didn’t put my picture up and nor did I put any personal details. the site only showed my profile with a female avatar  with my online name, age, the fact that I am divorced and have a child and the city I live, that’s it.

I got loads of messages from men who wanted my number, wanted to meet and were calling me ‘beautiful’ (hahaha) even though they hadn’t even seen me. I ignored all of the messages because I didn’t get a good vibe from any of them.

Then last week I got a message from a man and it was really the first normal message. He had his picture up and he seemed ok. I started chatting to him on the website and the conversation was about travelling, food, cultures etc. It was refreshing to chat to him and after a few days of chatting, he asked if I could put a profile pic up but that it wouldn’t make a difference to our chats. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable putting my picture up on the site so I said I would email him a picture and so he gave his email address. I sent the picture and he said I was beautiful and that felt good to me of course. He then said the messages took long to go through on the site so could I give him my number so that we could what’s app and the chatting would be quicker. I felt ok about giving him my number because he seemed to be a genuine guy. I didn’t get any bad feelings like I had with all the other requests for my number.

Anyway he didn’t bombard me with texts but thanked me and the next day we started chatting on what’s app. The conversation really flowed well and I found him to be interesting, witty and fun. We chatted for a few hours and the conversation flowed and he said I was really interesting and he enjoyed our chats and I felt the same. The only thing I didn’t like was when we were talking about relationships and he brought up his ex-girlfriend and why the relationship had failed. He admitted he could be awkward but said that she was making demands on his time at work and he keeps work and home life separate because he is a principled man. I listened and contributed my thoughts but got a strange feeling because he was using the word “you” and it felt like he was talking directly to me. I told him it was scaring me and he said it was the subjective “you”. Anyway we ended the conversation because it was late and I needed to sleep. He was being playful and saying that he would try to keep me awake and then apologised.

The next day I got to work and started to feel that something was wrong. How could I like someone after only chatting to them a few days and seeing their photo on a profile. I felt like I was making a deep connection with someone I hardly know. I went into panic mode and started asking him so many question about his location, his job etc. He lives in a different country and so I asked why he would go on a website and choose an older divorced woman with a child to chat to in a different country even though he is a lot younger. He told me that I was overthinking everything and should enjoy the chatting since we both liked speaking to each other. He said he was in no hurry for anything to happen and that he is an instinctual person and just decided to message me and it paid off because I was the most interesting person he had met. That he had got the number of a woman from his own city on that site (it’s an international site) but that it didn’t feel right and they didn’t end up going out. But he also said that if I didn’t want to be in touch, we could stop talking and he would understand. He said he didn’t want to just stop talking but he would respect my view. I decided to continue speaking to him.

I am still chatting to him but it is bringing up all kinds of feelings, mostly that I am crazy to like someone so much after a few days based on words and photographs. He works for a software company and plays the guitar and sings with his friends in the evening and sent some of his music clips which I really liked. He is very independent minded and  I am pleasantly surprised by things he does and thinks about every time we speak. He’s sent me pictures of himself paragliding and he takes wildlife photographs too. He said he is an only child and his parents raised him to be very independent. I am ashamed to say I started to go on websites to learn about scammers because he seems really too great to be true. How can this really nice guy be interested in me. He must have a dark intention, maybe to reel me in and then when I am hooked, tear my heart into a million pieces. I google reversed (yes you can do this)  all the photographs he gave me, to see if they appear on other websites and are fake. But they seem to be genuine. Is he genuine? Did this really great thing happen to me? Or is another abuser in disguise? Is it my mother wound looking desperately for love in the wrong place again? Am I sabotaging this because I think I don’t deserve love? It’s hurting my head thinking about it, yet I feel excited and happy when we talk and I look forward to his texts.

Last night when he started chatting to me, I was analysing every word, looking for clues of something amiss and I started to read too much into them and he asked why I was taking everything so seriously. I can’t take words lightly, I am deep and analytical. He has a deep serious side too but enjoys joking, he flirts and compliments me … but again I read deeply into everything and question his intentions and compliments.

Wow!!! Al of this after five days of meeting on a site. He seems to respect my time and doesn’t disturb my time at work or with my son. He asked to see a photo of my son, saying he loves kids but I said I wasn’t comfortable doing that as I hardly knew him. There is a tension of many opposites going on. A very real and urgent need and impatience to be loved with a fearful threat of being hurt joined with excvitement and hope and being triggered by things in the present which take me back to the past too. When he ends a conversation abruptly, I become very hurt and want to lash out at him. Last night that happened at the end of a conversation and I asked him if he always leaves when he doesn’t get his way, but he said he was in a good mood and we should let things unfold and whatever would happen would happen.

I am really confused and questioning myself and him and feeling so flawed and ashamed and broken to be so torn in so many directions by a practical stranger. It can’t be this hard for everyone can it? Maybe I can’t do internet connections and I have to have the person in front of me, but I was married and that failed. Should I push him away or should I keep in control and continue chatting and see how things go? Will he hurt me, is he genuine? I have my period and I am also emotional and triggered. Will I have ever have a healthy relationship and put the past behind me? Will this turnout to be a disaster? Will I just keep repeating old patterns or this man the new kind of man that I have attracted due to my new healing self? I am so conflicted; a part of me wants him and another part is pushing him away.

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Internet Dating

  1. From a male perspective, I have done internet dating, it can and should be light-hearted and fun. But the only point is so you can find people to meet in person. That’s when it starts. There’s no way to know if will work as a date or a relationship until you meet in person. Go for quick coffee/drink date, not dinner (that way you can leave if you get a bad vibe) and tell a friend where you are.
    You might be overthinking it, as you’ve never met this person, and are unlikely to meet him soon. Why bother with someone from another country, why make things so difficult for yourself?
    Your best approach is to find guys who live in your area and just meet a few. And I apologise for all the sleazy guys, I know they exist, just ignore them. Be safe, respect your own boundaries and above all, have fun. Good luck.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I would repeat exactly this. Well said. It makes no sense to me to strike up a conversation with a ghost, someone I haven’t met nor would ever meet. I can’t call it a relationship because it isn’t in my view.
      If I were on my own, I might be tempted to do the very same, but it is a fantasy world, fun for awhile, but not real. Real is meeting in person, and go from there, or not.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I think all this confusion is really my instincts saying “get the hell away”, I don’t want to listen maybe because i want to believe in something special happening to me. I hate that I feel so vulnerable and that yes I am drawn to these fantasies over and over. It’s sad.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Very Human. Something special already has happened, you. And there’s more to come. You will know when it is right.
        Of course you need support right now with so much going on, so many changes, and you reach out safely from home into the net. Not sure how to fill that ragged hole, that need for sharing, except right now, maybe, friends…Post more? Pull your in person friends in more?

        Liked by 2 people

      • Of course! T
        There’s nothing odd or wrong with wanting to share intimately with another. How can you fill that need safely? What is best for you and leads to what you need and deserve?
        Chatting with someone first on the net is a good precursor to actually meeting them. This interaction doesn’t sound like it can lead to that. And also holds more of a potential for you being hurt.
        I hope for only the best for you… : )

        Liked by 2 people

  2. also please do be aware of photos they say are them. It happened to someone i know. the photo and person had been a scammer. also once you move on to deciding you want to meet, i would hear their voice first and skype before moving onto meeting.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My son married a lovely young woman he met on the internet. They didn’t meet on a dating website…it was a topic-discussion type of forum. Like with your internet “friend”, they seemed to hit it off, moved to chatting on facebook, texting, and eventually exchanged phone numbers. She lived a couple of hours drive away, so eventually they decided to meet. As his mother I had lots of the same qualms you are experiencing, although both of them seemed perfectly accepting of each other. They met in person in July, got married in March, and will welcome their first baby just after celebrating their second anniversary this spring. They are just as happy as any newlywed couple and people are stunned when they learn they met over the internet. It is wise to be cautious. With a child involved like you have, it is wise to be extra cautious. Follow your heart and your instincts. Continue to do the background checking that you are able to do. As the others have already recommended, maybe look a bit closer to home. TAKE IT SLOW! Since both my son and this girl were in their early twenties, we insisted on meeting her parents…we took them all out to eat and we had a great time. Be careful, but don’t rule out the possibility that there is someone out there that is doing the same thing you are ~ taking the chance that there is another lonely person on the other side of their computer screen searching for companionship and the right person to love.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am so glad that things worked so well for your son. I do believe that there are genuine people out there looking for a partner on the internet but unfortunately the man I found was a scumbag and I have written a post about it today. Thank you for sharing yours I appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok, so here’s a weird story. When I finally got a home computer than allowed me to get online in the late 1990s, I met this guy in a random chat room, and we talked maybe six hours that first night. We just hit it off. Later he made a separate chat room so we could just meet and chat. Maybe after a week or so (?) I gave him my real name, first name only. We kept chatting online, and it just felt good. He lived in another country, which in a way made it feel safer to be honest about things, since I didn’t expect to really meet him. After a while, he asked if he could call me, and he was cute on the phone, really nervous but nice. Later we did a little VOI talking (this was before Skype) but mostly stuck to email and chatting. We met online in late July, and I agreed to let him come and visit in mid October. We agreed ahead of time that it was just to see what it would be like in real life, no obligations. But we hit it off. He came again at Christmas, then in March, and in May he moved here. We have been together now for 17 years, and we have such an easy, happy, supportive relationship. I had small children then, and he was better with them and to them than their own father. It almost seems like it was fate. Kind of unbelievable, but true. I just like to share it so people don’t always think everyone on the internet is a fake.

    I agree that being slow and safe is wise, also that we weren’t but it still turned out well. My husband says from the beginning he had the feeling that our relationship was his “one ticket for the train of happiness” and he just went for it, not wanting to miss that train. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am so happy that you had a good experience. This man turned out to be a sham as you will see from today’s post, but thank you for sharing. It gives me a vague hope that maybe maybe one day it could be. Right now I am feeling betrayed and silly.

      Liked by 2 people

      • If someone lies to you, that’s not your fault. You don’t have to feel silly because you liked talking to a guy who is probably smart and interesting on one level but doesn’t have the nerve to be who he really is.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Yes you right, the chats flowed and I was interested in what he had to say. It’s just that now I feel like everything that came out of his mouth was a lie and because I was sucked in and interested I feel silly. Thank you! I can be proud that I am honest and open but that next time I have to protect my heart and not fall so easily!

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I agree, you don’t need to feel silly about the actions of someone else and their own inability to be real and truthful.

    On a more positive side with internet dating, I met a guy on an adult sex dating site…by this time, I’d been internet dating for quite a few years and almost ready to let it all go and I’d figured if I get the ‘sex’ conversation upfront and out there then we could move on past the ‘awkward’ topics and get on with getting to know each other more. We first connected on the site on a Tuesday, by Saturday he gave me his mobile number and we spoke for a few hours, had a breakfast date at the beach the following morning, was not swept off my feet and nor was he but there was a connection of sorts. After about 3 weeks of trying to find all the reasons why he wasn’t the right one and not spending tooooo much time with him, something shifted and I cried when he left to go to work after we’d had a really lovely weekend together. It was that moment I knew he was someone special. That was Sept 2006, Feb 2007 we moved in together but 500km away to another regional city. July 2007 he proposed and we married in Dec 2007 and still together now. He’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had and yes at times it’s challenging, like any relationship but I know we are meant to be together and why we attracted each other. I was also a single mum, however by then my daughter was 20 and creating a life of her own.

    Be kind with yourself, explore your feelings and intuition with honesty as you did and know it’s okay to have those feelings and questions. I know there is often a stigma about internet dating, however it’s really only a means to connect and can be handy and save time and energy with blind dates that go pear shaped fast LOL. I think the key is to be very clear with yourself about what you want in a relationship. I had written a script I’d spent many years refining until I was confident it read what I truly wanted and believed I deserved. He was everything of that script and more. Even if relationships don’t turn out, enjoy the moments you share in between. That guy was a scammer but you still had a short time interacting and being willing to put yourself out there while being careful and cautious, you spoke of the fun and delight you enjoyed of the conversations. You can still hang on to the parts YOU enjoyed, don’t allow him the power of judging yourself harshly because he couldn’t be honest. Nothing ventured, nothing gained 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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