Reparenting myself

As I prepare to embark on the next stage of my journey; leaving everything that has become so comfortable and familiar, I have been thinking about the idea of reparenting myself. No doubt, my inner child will be triggered by this big move and all the challenges it entails.

It’s not surprising that she would be afraid and fearful and that’s why I know it’s important for me to look after her right now, and reassure her that I am in control and that I am looking after her.  When I was younger, we moved a lot; from house to house and I went to three different primary schools. At that point, I was already so used to dealing with everything by myself. Holding in all the feelings and turning to books and school for comfort.

I am reparenting that little girl today, telling her how special and cherished she is and how she is safe now. I tell her that she can relax and play and be carefree, she can play with her dolls like she used to; taking them all every Sunday and filling the bathtub so that she could give them a bath and comb their hair and put on freshly laundered clothes for them. I tell her that she can soak up all the unconditional love that she received from her grandmother. That she doesn’t have to make any decisions or worry about anything; that she is in the best of care and that she is heard and seen.

I am unearthing all those beautiful memories I have of being around my grandmother; standing on a stool beside her as she lovingly prepared her meals. I had my own special rolling pin and I would roll the dough into strange shapes; all of which were received  with such delight. I tell little me to remember that feeling of warmth that emanated from Ma’s body as I wrapped my little arms around her at night and as I stood behind her on the living room sofa brushing her long silvery-grey hair.  Remember the wholehearted  laughter that brought tears to Ma’s eyes as you watched tv and ate popcorn and roasted nuts.

I mine deep to dig up these treasures and capture them with my camera. The camera that is my new angle and perception. I use these memories from the past combined with the self-love of present time to mother myself back to integration and wholeness. It fills me up from the inside and then I don’t need to look outward for praise, attention and love. I am my own best friend and parent now.