Today is my very last day at work; the place where I have worked for the last five years. I am taking the time to really grieve the loss. The loss of my students who I have built such a great rapport with and the loss of the colleagues who have become friends and brothers. I will especially miss the four colleagues in my office; we have such a good atmosphere in here. the sadness is palpable.
I also said goodbye to my counsellor yesterday, after a journey of almost two years of sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. She gave me a beautiful blue stone that she bought from an Arab souq. The stone represents my inner core, that centre, that place that has always been whole and worthy and complete. That spirit that has never been broken; despite the abuse and other toxic influences. It is that centre that I have found again.
She made me aware of something too, that I positively affect other people’s lives too. I often think people are with me because they feel sorry or pity me, but that’s just another mistaken belief! Another evil introjection! She told me that she has learnt so much from my courage and that she would really miss our sessions, she said she had grieved the loss of me. It was surprising for me to realise that I gave too, to the relationship. And the same with friends, colleagues and students, I gave too and I impacted positively and touched people’s lives. I don’t give myself enough credit and I am sure that all of us who have suffered childhood trauma do not give ourselves enough credit in this regard.
Despite all the achievements, all the things I have managed to do by myself, I am still hard on myself and don’t stop to look at what I am doing well. I keep looking to the next great challenge that I want to overcome or face. I need to stop and really feel this moment even with all the stuff I have to do.
Goodbyes are hard and change is so difficult. It is a ‘whirlwind’ as a good friend described. I have been rushing over things lately as I try to get all the practical things done; the selling of furniture, the shipping, the clearances etc. I haven’t had any time to stop and consider all the emotional losses and changes this move will inevitably entail. My son is struggling emotionally and I am allowing him to grieve and cry over his losses. Acknowledging, rather than ignoring the losses I believe is the way forward.
It is not black and white, this move has so many emotions attached to it. I am sad but excited and optimistic too. I trust that my inner core is leading me to where I need to be next. I know I know what’s good for me. I take all the memories with me and the people who matter the most will stay in touch I know.
Writing here on my blog calms me and grounds me through the whirlwind and I know I will be heard and seen and you will understand.