Tough Days

I haven’t been posting regularly because I still don’t have a wireless connection at home but will hopefully have one by this evening. Wanted to update you and say that I do miss being on here. I miss your voices of warmth and comfort.

I need those voices today more than ever. It’s been a tough few days. I am feeling really down. My son has started school which is a great thing and my small flat feels more like home already. I also went on my very first coffee date this past Saturday with a guy I met on an online dating site. It went quite well and I had a good feeling after our brief coffee. We arranged to do something this weekend; maybe a walk in the park weather permitting.

So why am I so down today? Why do I feel like crying right here in this busy coffee shop as I sit here writing this. Why do I feel so triggered today and so small? Well it’s an interaction I had with my ex-husband on Sunday. Why is it that there is one person in my life who brings me so so low, who makes me feel so bad about myself and dampens my spirit no matter how brave and courageous I am?

My ex-husband always criticised my parenting when my son and I were not living in London. He would bemoan the fact that my son spent a lot of time on his iPad and said that when we got to London he would be taking my son for outdoor activities and would be doing more to stimulate his mind. Yes there were always those veiled criticisms of my parenting, even though my son is happy and well-rounded and for the last two years I have been parenting him without his dad. I have not asked for a penny from him.I have told him repeatedly to save so that he would be able to help now that we are here.

Though he has been abusive I trusted his word, and rested in the comfort that I would have him to co-parent with me. He reassured me repeatedly that he would take my son at the weekends and that I would have time to myself. I believed him. Well in the three weeks I have been here I have seen that he does little in the way of doing anything with my son and has told me how hard things are for him. I asked him not to live in the same area as me and told him to take a place five or ten minutes away. Instead, to spite me he chose a place that requires a one and a half hour commute. He complains to everyone even telling my son that mummy is a liar and its because of mummy that he has so far to travel. As usual there is no accountability.

On Sunday I questioned him about the way he was bragging about all he would do with our son. My son waited all Sunday for him and he came in the evening after sending me insulting texts all day. He claimed that I left him for another man and only came to London because it didn’t work out with my ‘Boyfriend’, I am a bad mum and haven’t done anything with him either. I was so angry that I told him he was not welcome to come upstairs into the flat and he told my son that I am punishing him.

He is seeing someone else  (hope he doesn’t choke his new girlfriend like he did me) and apparently hasn’t got enough time for my son and all of what he said was BS. I know that I didn’t come here for him but I had that comfort that I would get a break with his dad being here. But that is not going to happen like I thought and I feel so angry with him and myself for being so naive. I know that I am too kind and trusting of snakes. He insults me so badly while I am welcoming and kind with him always concerned about his health and financial circumstances. When will I learn?

He upset my son on the night before he was starting a new school in a new country and his excuse was that I made him angry.

I hate him. I felt so bad after Sunday and it’s been a spiral of doom since that so that I feel like I have lost that sparkle that I had and all the confidence with it. I am feeling so afraid right now, what if I never get a job, what am I going to do. I feel so unsure and insecure right now.






16 thoughts on “Tough Days

  1. I’m sorry. And I’m angry for you. And with you! When I read this, I keep thinking that being made to feel helpless, and trapped and dealing with people who aren’t accountable for themselves, their choices, their behavior, their actions — all of it — are the biggest triggers. It makes me feel so afraid and when I feel afraid I spiral down into thinking all of the bad things I used to think about myself. I feel small and scared and so incredibly pissed off but powerless at the same time.

    I’m just learning that thinking badly about myself was a form of protection. In a way it kept me small and somehow that served me as a child. And I do it now when I’m rattled and overwhelmed — I can be tricked into reacting instead of communicating — I get angry and raging and the more powerless I feel the more out of control everything feels. Including me. But we don’t have to go to that small protective self-depricating place anymore. We don’t. It’s a familiar habit and we go to the familiar especially when life feels chaotic and scary.

    This is what comes up for me when I read this … And also this urge to yell out to you, “RUN!” I want you to run from London far away from your ex-husband so you can clear your head and see yourself. But running isn’t the answer. Nope. Plus you’re on a wonderful new adventure. Let’s not let him forget that or diminish the magic in it!

    I think our old stuff comes up again and again and again so we can process it and feel like we do have a voice and power and that we are safe. Our unfinished stuff just keeps showing up. That’s where I’m at lately. Feeling angry. Triggered. Powerless and so incredibly vulnerable and small and insecure. Life keeps giving me an opportunity to recreate a positive experience this time and until I can get my head and heart around it, the uncomfortable stuff just keeps knocking on my door. I’ve fallen into feeling like a victim, a little depressed and just really stuck and hopeless and I’m seeing that this is not serving me well. It’s not. But I’m still wallowing and feeling really sad for myself. I’m not sure how to get out of it, except that we have to keep using these opportunities to rewire our brains and give ourselves the positive experiences we deserve.

    I wish I could sit and have coffee with you in London. I love London. And we could cry and then get our heads around how we were going to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Someone said to me recently, “Get more support than you think you need.” That’s my wish for you. Your ex isn’t going to give you the support you need. This is not because you are bad or unworthy. It’s because he’s a shit. And he’s manipulative. You’ve moved away from your support system and the comfort of home. Move forward. Find support. More than you need. I’m saying this as much to myself as I am to you. I see you. I hear you and I know how strong you are. I do. Sending so much love to you across the Atlantic. XO

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh Patricia I want to read and reread and reread this message. It makes me cry to know that someone gets me so so deeply and everything you say is true. It’s so deeply triggering but it is because there is unfinished business and places I still have to go emotionally to heal. I came here and moved out of my comfort zone and so it is going to be tough, I am going to have tough days. That’s what leaving your comfort is about and with the tough comes the rewards of progression too :). Oh how i wish you were here in London!!! You are right about the support, I need it right now and I have reached out to see if I can continue counselling here in London especially right now as I settle in. And I never thought about it before but yes, I think the smallness is a choice, it’s a familiar comfort but we need to transform those neural pathways and not fall into that hopelessness and powerlessness trap. Your words have been more powerful than hundreds of hours of counselling and I thank you and love you for reaching out and making me feel better. I needed to be reminded of who I am. I will not let him take away the magic because everything is falling into place here, he is the black spot!!! But it is up to me how I respond to him, I can do the familiar or I can be active in changing things around. I accept that he is a shit and he will give me nothing but episodes of false kindness and then have his tantrums where he insults and hurts. I don’t depend on him nor need him for anything. I am sorry that you have been feeling vulnerable but I wish I could show you how you do have all the resources within to get through this. Just read this message of yours filled with such wisdom and light and hope. If you wrote it you have it!!! And like you said it must mean that there is unfinished business in this long journey of healing. Sending you so much love back across the Atlantic!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I just saw this! I don’t know why it didn’t show up in my email. But anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m really alright. Samuel is just getting too much in my daily business of household stuff. You’d think he wouldn’t but he does and drives me buggy. No biggie, really!

        I had a sound erupt out of me when you said, “He’s a shit.” I couldn’t have said it any better myself…
        You can do this! Don’t let that bugger bring you down, or if he does, remember to bounce. (like Tigger)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You will find a job. And you’ll move through this sooner, not later. And when you do, you will stand up to this bully who is abusing his son by bringing him into adult issues as a weapon to hurt you with. In our country I believe parental alienation is grounds to take away visiting rights in the courts. Although I’m no lawyer so don’t quote me on it. But we know at least that he is hurting his own child out of selfishness.

    (Parental alienation is the process, and the result, of the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members.)

    That sparkle and confidence is there. You just have to brush off the toxic dirt of the ex… You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Patricia. I can’t believe how down it has got me and how triggered I feel. He is a manipulative conniving bully and I can stand up to him just the way I did when I divorced him. He will try every way possible to hurt me even through his own child. When I arrived he could see that strength that confidence that magic and just wanted to take it away and that’s fuel for him to live on but yes I will brush him off and not allow him to spoil my days. I am glad that he is living far away and the fact that he has found someone is also a very good thing for me because my son and I will see less of him. Thank you for reminding me of my strength!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, of course. It is just impossible to change a vile spirit such as what you describe; using their own child to hurt another, but of course, hurting the child most in the process. Can you think of anything more low?
        You are going to do just fine. Better than fine. But right now you have little to no support. That will change fast. You draw others to you.
        I’m keeping my fingers crossed as you work on the job finding process. Once that’s complete you’ll be among others and the support will come.
        Hopefully in the meantime you and your son might meet others in the neighborhood.

        Liked by 1 person

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