I haven’t been posting regularly because I still don’t have a wireless connection at home but will hopefully have one by this evening. Wanted to update you and say that I do miss being on here. I miss your voices of warmth and comfort.
I need those voices today more than ever. It’s been a tough few days. I am feeling really down. My son has started school which is a great thing and my small flat feels more like home already. I also went on my very first coffee date this past Saturday with a guy I met on an online dating site. It went quite well and I had a good feeling after our brief coffee. We arranged to do something this weekend; maybe a walk in the park weather permitting.
So why am I so down today? Why do I feel like crying right here in this busy coffee shop as I sit here writing this. Why do I feel so triggered today and so small? Well it’s an interaction I had with my ex-husband on Sunday. Why is it that there is one person in my life who brings me so so low, who makes me feel so bad about myself and dampens my spirit no matter how brave and courageous I am?
My ex-husband always criticised my parenting when my son and I were not living in London. He would bemoan the fact that my son spent a lot of time on his iPad and said that when we got to London he would be taking my son for outdoor activities and would be doing more to stimulate his mind. Yes there were always those veiled criticisms of my parenting, even though my son is happy and well-rounded and for the last two years I have been parenting him without his dad. I have not asked for a penny from him.I have told him repeatedly to save so that he would be able to help now that we are here.
Though he has been abusive I trusted his word, and rested in the comfort that I would have him to co-parent with me. He reassured me repeatedly that he would take my son at the weekends and that I would have time to myself. I believed him. Well in the three weeks I have been here I have seen that he does little in the way of doing anything with my son and has told me how hard things are for him. I asked him not to live in the same area as me and told him to take a place five or ten minutes away. Instead, to spite me he chose a place that requires a one and a half hour commute. He complains to everyone even telling my son that mummy is a liar and its because of mummy that he has so far to travel. As usual there is no accountability.
On Sunday I questioned him about the way he was bragging about all he would do with our son. My son waited all Sunday for him and he came in the evening after sending me insulting texts all day. He claimed that I left him for another man and only came to London because it didn’t work out with my ‘Boyfriend’, I am a bad mum and haven’t done anything with him either. I was so angry that I told him he was not welcome to come upstairs into the flat and he told my son that I am punishing him.
He is seeing someone else (hope he doesn’t choke his new girlfriend like he did me) and apparently hasn’t got enough time for my son and all of what he said was BS. I know that I didn’t come here for him but I had that comfort that I would get a break with his dad being here. But that is not going to happen like I thought and I feel so angry with him and myself for being so naive. I know that I am too kind and trusting of snakes. He insults me so badly while I am welcoming and kind with him always concerned about his health and financial circumstances. When will I learn?
He upset my son on the night before he was starting a new school in a new country and his excuse was that I made him angry.
I hate him. I felt so bad after Sunday and it’s been a spiral of doom since that so that I feel like I have lost that sparkle that I had and all the confidence with it. I am feeling so afraid right now, what if I never get a job, what am I going to do. I feel so unsure and insecure right now.