New Paths

new paths

It’s not easy to start a new life in a new place, make new friends, find a new job. So much ‘newness’ in such a short time. All the comfort and the familiarity of the old path has disappeared. It’s so easy to feel like you want to run back to the comfort of the old and abandon this new plan which seems increasingly crazy.

I am really struggling at the moment and not feeling very positive and light. I am feeling quite depressed and small. I am looking for a job and worrying about finances, I am worried about my son and whether he will be able to make as good friends as he had in his last school. I am feeling isolated and alone. When I drop him off at school I watch all the mums huddled together in a warm circle; chatting and laughing. I am the outsider.

My son stands alone and quiet in the line and I wonder how he really is. He seems fine when I pick him after school but yesterday he said he was running in the playground and fell and nobody saw or helped him. He was so nurtured and pampered at his last school. He doesn’t know how to zip up his coat properly so at break time and lunchtime he runs around freezing in the playground. When I asked him to get help from his teacher, he said there’s no time. I know that he will learn more independence and self-sufficiency in a London school, but right now I am questioning the sanity of my move.

Was I insane to leave a well-paid job in a safe city where my son went to an independent school where he had so many friends? My decision has no doubt impacted greatly on his life. I have brought him closer to his bullying father who claimed he would be there for his son but has now stepped up his campaign of nastiness. The Bully  will do anything and everything to push my buttons. Even in seemingly simple communications he has bad intentions.He will put in snide remarks and yesterday when we were arranging the weekend plans his ugliness surfaced again.We had agreed on Saturday for him to take my son from 12-6 and Sunday from 2-6. Well firstly he kept trying to change the times so he said can he change it to 11.30-5.30 on Saturday and then started confusing the times for Saturday and Sunday even though my messages were so clear. It was all an attempt to make me crazy; crazy making at its finest! I agreed to meet him with my son on Saturday but asked if on Sunday he could come and pick up my son from my flat. Well he then said that I couldn’t expect ‘a door to door service ‘and that if I didn’t bring my son, he would then cancel Sunday. So he will punish his son and lose out on time because I will not do as he says.

This is the same man who claimed that he would travel wherever he had to, to see his son. That distance was not an issue. That my son’s life would be so much better here in London because he needed a father. What have I done? I believed him, that he would be there and would be a help. He is a hindrance and only adding more stress now. I am just feeling so bad right now. So fooled and silly. I brought my son here and we uprooted our lives and maybe this is the worse decision I have made? But I know this is the transition stage, I have been in this place before because I have moved countries before. I know that it takes time to settle and this is the really hard part when you are not sure and feel insecure and worried and regretful.

I know that I left because I wanted to be in London and it wasn’t all about the BULLY. I know that I hated my job and felt so restricted in the place I was. I know that I wanted my son to learn more independence and self-sufficiency. I know that growth only occurs when you are out of your comfort zone.  I know that I have to learn how to not let the BULLY get to me and ignore whatever comes out of his mouth.  I know that I have to stop giving him the kindness that he doesn’t deserve and remember that his niceness is not real. I know that I will get a job eventually and that my son will find his way. I know that I have within me an invincible spirit that never never dies; a flame that burns strong always, an essence that is permanent. I know that I am in control. I know that I know I know I know but still it feels so fucking hard to deal with all this. I am not eating and sleeping well and just feel down.May this feeling pass.

Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “New Paths

  1. There are no perfectly right paths. There are pluses and minuses for everything. What a post. You succinctly express your pain, your questions, and your challenges, then your light shines, and you speak with strength to each one. The darkest hour is before the light, and that may be days, weeks even months. But in-between are sunbeams. May you find them, like the day you had fun in the street with the live music.
    You will be among that group of women dropping off their children huddled together. Go over and ask one of them a question. Talk to the teacher and request someone help zip his coat up before recess for now? Little things that move you closer to your goals or ease your mind.
    You are in a country that offers more freedom. May you feel that freedom soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I listened and feel for you. Being in a new place with so many uncertainties is immensely frustrating. I have also gone through the same time. There will be doubts along the path. But really, how do we know if a path is “right” or “wrong”? Even a path that seems so right at the moment may turn out to be “wrong”. I think our choices reflect our consciousness and soul’s yearnings at any given moment, and if it brings resistance or pain, it may be the Universe trying to show up what we need to learn before moving on to the next stage. I am saying these from a painful place myself… So yea, let’s hang in there and allow the Universe to reveal to us what is in “it” for us. Big hugs!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you kindly for your deep empathy. I am sorry for the late reply; it’s been quite a whirlwind. Everything you say is so true, there is no right and wrong path or way to do things. There is only the way we choose and then we make the adjustments as necessary. I am sorry that you find yourself in a painful place too. May you remember your inner strength and the resources you have to cope and overcome your present challenges. Sending you warm hugs for London.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Knowing that you have an invincible fire that cannot be tamed is huge. I understand your desperation and your frustrations. But as long as you believe in yourself, you’re gonna make it ok. Your son will adapt to the school and he will make friends. Just be patient and don’t let the dad get to you. That was MY biggest pitfalls. I allowed him to get me all wired up and angry. I’m not going to do that anymore. Just take deep breaths. We are here. Listening and offering as much help as we can through this virtual world…. A big hug to you

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Sending you and your son positive thoughts. I hope his Dad realises and honours his Dury as a father. I know how hard it is when they let the child down and dont keep their word and make You seem like your the crazy one etc. You’ve done a huge move your so very strong and courageous. Time will help you settle and and fit in. Look after you and your boy. Show him how strong his Mum Is. Your his stability and security when everything around him is new. He will make new friends too, they do so easily and so will you! ☺

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Thinking of you. When I tried to do what you are doing I got so scared I came back home. I now see I could not hold myself through my fears and be patient. I just know things will work out for you. Keep believing. You are so incredibly brave to do this. And the advice about just being able to ignore other’s negativity is SO IMPORTANT. Often when we make positive changes others want to fill us with fear. You are strong enough to make it. You find you strength by saying Yes and going forward. I know you will. Heaps of love I had my operation on the 3rd and was in hospital until the 7th so I missed you posts in that period.

    Liked by 1 person

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