It’s not easy to start a new life in a new place, make new friends, find a new job. So much ‘newness’ in such a short time. All the comfort and the familiarity of the old path has disappeared. It’s so easy to feel like you want to run back to the comfort of the old and abandon this new plan which seems increasingly crazy.
I am really struggling at the moment and not feeling very positive and light. I am feeling quite depressed and small. I am looking for a job and worrying about finances, I am worried about my son and whether he will be able to make as good friends as he had in his last school. I am feeling isolated and alone. When I drop him off at school I watch all the mums huddled together in a warm circle; chatting and laughing. I am the outsider.
My son stands alone and quiet in the line and I wonder how he really is. He seems fine when I pick him after school but yesterday he said he was running in the playground and fell and nobody saw or helped him. He was so nurtured and pampered at his last school. He doesn’t know how to zip up his coat properly so at break time and lunchtime he runs around freezing in the playground. When I asked him to get help from his teacher, he said there’s no time. I know that he will learn more independence and self-sufficiency in a London school, but right now I am questioning the sanity of my move.
Was I insane to leave a well-paid job in a safe city where my son went to an independent school where he had so many friends? My decision has no doubt impacted greatly on his life. I have brought him closer to his bullying father who claimed he would be there for his son but has now stepped up his campaign of nastiness. The Bully will do anything and everything to push my buttons. Even in seemingly simple communications he has bad intentions.He will put in snide remarks and yesterday when we were arranging the weekend plans his ugliness surfaced again.We had agreed on Saturday for him to take my son from 12-6 and Sunday from 2-6. Well firstly he kept trying to change the times so he said can he change it to 11.30-5.30 on Saturday and then started confusing the times for Saturday and Sunday even though my messages were so clear. It was all an attempt to make me crazy; crazy making at its finest! I agreed to meet him with my son on Saturday but asked if on Sunday he could come and pick up my son from my flat. Well he then said that I couldn’t expect ‘a door to door service ‘and that if I didn’t bring my son, he would then cancel Sunday. So he will punish his son and lose out on time because I will not do as he says.
This is the same man who claimed that he would travel wherever he had to, to see his son. That distance was not an issue. That my son’s life would be so much better here in London because he needed a father. What have I done? I believed him, that he would be there and would be a help. He is a hindrance and only adding more stress now. I am just feeling so bad right now. So fooled and silly. I brought my son here and we uprooted our lives and maybe this is the worse decision I have made? But I know this is the transition stage, I have been in this place before because I have moved countries before. I know that it takes time to settle and this is the really hard part when you are not sure and feel insecure and worried and regretful.
I know that I left because I wanted to be in London and it wasn’t all about the BULLY. I know that I hated my job and felt so restricted in the place I was. I know that I wanted my son to learn more independence and self-sufficiency. I know that growth only occurs when you are out of your comfort zone. I know that I have to learn how to not let the BULLY get to me and ignore whatever comes out of his mouth. I know that I have to stop giving him the kindness that he doesn’t deserve and remember that his niceness is not real. I know that I will get a job eventually and that my son will find his way. I know that I have within me an invincible spirit that never never dies; a flame that burns strong always, an essence that is permanent. I know that I am in control. I know that I know I know I know but still it feels so fucking hard to deal with all this. I am not eating and sleeping well and just feel down.May this feeling pass.
Thank you for listening.