This morning I found myself waking up to a very scared little girl inside myself. I struggled to wake up; frozen with fear and worry. I reassured her that she was ok, she is safe and that I will take care of her. That I hear her and see her. That I know it’s been like a giant whirlwind since we left all the comforts and familiarity of our expat life for London. That so much has changed but that she would be fine and that I am here looking after her and that she doesn’t need to look outward with neediness for help and love and pampering. That it is MY job to parent her and take care of her. That she is ok. It’s incredible how calming it was for her and I could feel a difference inside myself after this little conversation with my inner child. I felt a subtle shift like an inner thawing.
It made me think just how profound the wound is, how much pain and hurt there is deep down inside of me. How triggering so many situations on the outside are. I have been dealing with so many things, practical things like finding a job and settling my son into his new school and worrying about future finances that I have been neglecting my little girl. She is scared too and needs my attention sometimes, she needs my reassurance that she will be ok and that she is not all alone and helpless. She has me to stand up for her just like I stood up for my son and spoke to his new teacher about a boy in the class who has been very unkind to him.
I am going to start counselling again, I have an initial assessment tomorrow, it’s a place that offers counselling at an affordable cost although it will take months to get an appointment after the initial assessment. But I have started the ball rolling, I have recognised that I need the help and support and I have taken the initiative knowing that I am responsible for my happiness.
It’s going to take a while to make new friends and find my place here but a school as offered me a part time placement from the end of March so that’s a start. It is not far from where I live and the school has a nice buzz to it. I will meet new people at work and feel less isolated.
I had a second date with the man I met from the dating site and it was fun. We took a walk through a beautiful park and I laughed until my belly ached. I haven’t laughed like that in a very very long time. It was a good feeling. But soon after I found myself worrying whether I was going to get too attached and have unrealistic expectations. When we said goodbye, he said “keep in touch” and I don’t know if that was polite for ‘see you around but maybe not’ or whether it meant that he wanted to hear from me. We were supposed to go the cinema together but the plans fell through because I couldn’t make it at that time and he said maybe we can arrange something else, whatever works for me.
I am going to leave it at that and see what happens next, I don’t want to become obsessed and impatient, which is what I do by default. He is not the only man on earth, just the first man I have dated from an internet site and it’s ok if nothing comes out of it. If he really wants to see me again, he will get in touch. I don’t need to rush or hurry or prove myself. There is love out there and abundance of it and I am worthy and deserving. If he recognises my worth and wants to take it further he will, if not well there is someone else for him and me.