Looking after my little girl

This morning I found myself waking up to a very scared little girl inside myself. I struggled to wake up; frozen with fear and worry. I reassured her that she was ok, she is safe and that I will take care of her. That I hear her and see her. That I know it’s been like a giant whirlwind since we left all the comforts and familiarity of our expat life for London. That so much has changed but that she would be fine and that I am here looking after her and that she doesn’t need to look outward with neediness for help and love and pampering. That it is MY job to parent her and take care of her. That she is ok. It’s incredible how calming it was for her and I could feel a difference inside myself after this little conversation with my inner child. I felt a subtle shift like an inner thawing.

It made me think just how profound the wound is, how much pain and hurt there is deep down inside of me. How triggering so many situations on the outside are. I have been dealing with so many things, practical things like finding a job and settling my son into his new school and worrying about future finances that I have been neglecting my little girl. She is scared too and needs my attention sometimes, she needs my reassurance that she will be ok and that she is not all alone and helpless. She has me to stand up for her just like I stood up for my son and spoke to his new teacher about a boy in the class who has been very unkind to him.

I am going to start counselling again, I have an initial assessment tomorrow, it’s a place that offers counselling at an affordable cost although it will take months to get an appointment after the initial assessment. But I have started the ball rolling, I have recognised that I need the help and support and I have taken the initiative knowing that I am responsible for my happiness.

It’s going to take a while to make new friends and find my place here but a school as offered me a part time placement from the end of March so that’s a start. It is not far from where I live and the school has a nice buzz to it. I will meet new people at work and feel less isolated.

I had a second date with the man I met from the dating site and it was fun. We took a walk through a beautiful park and I laughed until my belly ached. I haven’t laughed like that in a very very long time. It was a good feeling. But soon after I found myself worrying whether I was going to get too attached and have unrealistic expectations. When we said goodbye, he said “keep in touch” and I don’t know if that was polite for ‘see you around but maybe not’ or whether it meant that he wanted to hear from me. We were supposed to go the cinema together but the plans fell through because I couldn’t make it at that time and he said maybe we can arrange something else, whatever works for me.

I am going to leave it at that and see what happens next, I don’t want to become obsessed and impatient, which is what I do by default. He is not the only man on earth, just the first man I have dated from an internet site and it’s ok if nothing comes out of it. If he really wants to see me again, he will get in touch. I don’t need to rush or hurry or prove myself. There is love out there and abundance of it and I am worthy and deserving. If he recognises my worth and wants to take it further he will, if not well there is someone else for him and me.



10 thoughts on “Looking after my little girl

  1. Wow – you are doing tremendous work despite so many triggering circumstances in your life at the moment. I would assume you feel really proud of having taken such loving care of all aspects of your life. Very inspiring!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love this. So full of self love and nurturing. That little girl has you on her side that’s made my day, the way you calmed and comforted her. All within you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are doing so great! So many changes and you are rocking it! Glad your second date went so well and that you had fun! ❤️

    And I’m glad you will find proper counseling. The wound is definitely deep and you do well knowing how to take care of yourself. Xo


  4. So wise, kind and accepting! This is exactly how we should all talk to ourselves. It is beautiful to read this.

    I’m glad for you that there are some hopeful things happening–fun on a date, upcoming work, (eventual) counseling. I hope the list keeps getting longer and richer.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have missed you online recently and am so very glad you are DOING SO WELL. I love the beautiful dialogue you had to reassure your Inner Child. I read a fantastic book years ago called Fear of Intimacy by Robert Firestone. He does a lot of work with how we hear inner voices once we risk connecting again that can subtly undermine our need to connect. He makes the point that risking to connect again after having gone through so much pain always brings up that old pain. The trick is to hold ourselves through it and not project or internalise it via a shaming Inner or Outer Critic, thinking of that just came to me as I read your blog. If that man liked you he too may have had his own fears.

    London parks are so gorgeous. Have you visited the Peter Pan statue in Kensington gardens?

    Sending you love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohhh its so good to hear from you. the book you mention sounds like just what I need because I am deep down afraid of intimacy because when people come close I freeze. Even when its what I want so badly, I subtly I think push them away with my uncertainty and I also overthink them away. I absolutely love the parks here and I will definitely check out the Peter pan statue.


  6. Yes wanted to say for purposes of clarity my emerging from the dark night gravatar isn’t working when I post on other’s blogs ever since my operation, you might not know this was me. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes I only realised after that it was you. So good to hear from you too, haven’t posted that much and been reading posts as I usually do. Hope you are recovering well from your operation. Take care and it’s great to hear your voice again


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