Fear

rumi fear

I have been doing so many new things lately and it’s been hard. Facing the fear and anxiety that fills me up until I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. Delving into the nervousness and feeling a sense that I am drowning in it….but still turning up. I think that is the secret, which sounds a lot like the old cliche of “feel the fear and do it anyway.” I guess there is a lot of truth to this old saying.

I have been going for interviews and dates and doing things that make me uncomfortable and uneasy because they are unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone. They are situations that have been pushing my boundaries and I wake up some mornings feeling like its all too much and too scary and I just want to stay in bed and hide all day….but I turn up anyway and face the fear. Β Once that fear is faced, there’s a new one waiting around the corner.

It’s a challenging time and I know things will settle, during this transition I hold onto myself closely and gently remind myself that I am more than capable of doing it all. I have everything I need right here within.That in just over a month, I have been settling my son into Β his new school, making our little flat into a home, going on dates, I have secured some part time work and I have been turning up everyday. The feelings sometimes feel overwhelmingly scary but they pass and make way for a new lightness each time.

So I leave you with this today. Feel the fear, drink it up until you feel like you are going to burst….and then turn up anyway!

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10 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I’ve been wondering lately, what it might feel like — to wake up and not feel anxious before I get out of bed every single day. When I wake, my mind immediately scans my day, assessing what it is I need to get done. Immediately anxiety settles in my stomach and with it the thoughts, “There’s no way I can do this. Nope. No way.” And I stay in bed until the very last second in a mild panic until I absolutely have to get up. But what I’m learning, is that each and every day, I DO the things I need to do and sometimes, if I’m honest with myself, I even do the things I want to do ;)! And things work out often better than expected. Sure, everything doesn’t get done but the day happens and I show up. Actually I do more than show up. And so do you.

    I have recently come to learn that this too — is an old, old feeling. Waking up as a child after being sexually abused and thinking, “There’s no way I can get out of this bed and get through the day pretending that I’m okay. Staying silent. And living with those monsters.” Old stuff. But I’m a grownup now in my grownup home. I’m safe. And my days aren’t something to dread. They are adventures. And work. And growth and fear. Love. Joy. Sadness … and on and on. But I’m safe. You’re safe. And we are doing amazing jobs getting up and navigating the fear. And with your transition, you have got to be so triggered which means you’re really wrestling with old stuff and new fears on superdrive. But really — look at what you’re doing. Most people who aren’t warrior survivor mommas would settle in slowly and probably even be okay with that (can you even imagine that?!) but you’re on hyper drive conquering the world so that you can feel safe and in charge and okay. You’re doing great, by the way. Even if you do hide under the covers in the morning … or longer. You are doing really, really great. I’m so proud of you! Sending love and warm thoughts to you in beautiful lovely London. XO

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you thank you for your beautiful words. You made me laugh when you say ‘can you imagine mommas who settle in slowly’. No no that has never been my way, I am indeed on super hyperdrive always. I find I can’t stop moving, I have to keep moving and doing. I know I need to slow down and rest but I also know that its how I do things. Yes we do ‘navigate the fear” as we have been doing from little and the mornings are tough because of the old feelings. It’s hard work to keep reminding ourselves and being gentle with ourselves but we are doing a great job. Today I was feeling a little overwhelmed, a little like I want to stay in and hide all day after my son goes to spend the night with my ex. But a really sweet man (ex-colleague) has invited me out for dinner. So I could just hide and be silent and small or I could do my hair, get dressed up and go for dinner with him. I am glad I read this because it has helped me make my choice πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this – I have been challenging myself lately too, sometimes it is exhausting, but we can’t get stronger unless we flex those fear-resilience muscles. πŸ˜‰

    Like

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