So I am feeling pretty awful today! Feel like I am falling apart at the seams! Today was supposed to be my very first day at my new job in London. I have been here for almost two months and finally found a job. I enrolled my son in an Easter camp because he has two weeks off school and I paid for it! The weather has been awful over the long Easter weekend, wind and rain and more wind and rain and last night my son only got to sleep at 11 because he has caught a cold. I had it last week. He was restless and tossed and turned with the coughing and congestion. I hardly slept. I was so nervous and worried about the first day. My original worry was that I wouldn’t be able to drop him off at the camp and get to work on time. This anxiety was compounded of course by sleeplessness and wondering how I could phone in and say I couldn’t come in on my very first day at work.
Things like this completely overwhelm me and tip me over. I become tearful and small and fragile and very triggered as there are a million little things that I worry about. I have also been thinking again about my parents because I spent some time with my aunts this past weekend. Being around family is always hard and I had a dream where my aunt admitted that she knew I was abused when I was little. So I woke up with this bad feeling and then this morning my worst fear was realised when I had to indeed phone the school to say I couldn’t come in on my first day because my son had been up most of the night coughing and wasn’t well. That was a very difficult call to make but I have no other choice. I hate letting people down.
I also (foolishly) phoned my ex (I needed some comfort I guess and support to feel Like I am not all alone in everything) and he only second guessed me and made me feel incompetent as a mother questioning whether my child was really ill. Of course he is ill and we both hardly slept all night. I am in no condition to go in and teach and yes it’s my first day and creates a bad impression and it sucks and life sucks sometimes but that’s just the way it is and I and them have to suck it all up.
I realise that I am so bent on being perfect and appearing perfect that when things like this happen I worry so much about what others could be thinking of me and that makes me feel worse. What will my new employers and the other teachers think of me not turning up? I also always by default turn to the one person who never gives the emotional comfort and instead tears me down (my ex-husband) like banging my head on a wall repeatedly or expecting different results from the same thing over and over and over. When will I give up hope in him, is it the little me hoping that her father will show some humanity finally?
Anyway its all done now and the call has been made and I have the rest of the day to rest with my son and take care of him. My head is pounding and I don’t feel great but we are in our warm flat safe and together. I won’t be refunded for the money I paid to the camp or paid for a day’s work and my new employers may question my reliability but there are worst things that could happen right. He will get better and I will eventually get to work and this will be something to talk about later…my very first day at work that wasn’t. These feelings will pass. The feelings are not me and I am not them. Shit happens and shit passes! No point in holding onto things. You have to just go with it no matter how hard it seems or sounds to yourself or others. Have a good week!