So I am feeling pretty awful today! Feel like I am falling apart at the seams! Today was supposed to be my very first day at my new job in London. I have been here for almost two months and finally found a job. I enrolled my son in an Easter camp because he has two weeks off school and I paid for it! The weather has been awful over the long Easter weekend, wind and rain and more wind and rain and last night my son only got to sleep at 11 because he has caught a cold. I had it last week. He was restless and tossed and turned with the coughing and congestion. I hardly slept. I was so nervous and worried about the first day. My original worry was that I wouldn’t be able to drop him off at the camp and get to work on time. This anxiety was compounded of course by sleeplessness and wondering how I could phone in and say I couldn’t come in on my very first day at work.
Things like this completely overwhelm me and tip me over. I become tearful and small and fragile and very triggered as there are a million little things that I worry about. I have also been thinking again about my parents because I spent some time with my aunts this past weekend. Being around family is always hard and I had a dream where my aunt admitted that she knew I was abused when I was little. So I woke up with this bad feeling and then this morning my worst fear was realised when I had to indeed phone the school to say I couldn’t come in on my first day because my son had been up most of the night coughing and wasn’t well. That was a very difficult call to make but I have no other choice. I hate letting people down.
I also (foolishly) phoned my ex (I needed some comfort I guess and support to feel Like I am not all alone in everything) and he only second guessed me and made me feel incompetent as a mother questioning whether my child was really ill. Of course he is ill and we both hardly slept all night. I am in no condition to go in and teach and yes it’s my first day and creates a bad impression and it sucks and life sucks sometimes but that’s just the way it is and I and them have to suck it all up.
I realise that I am so bent on being perfect and appearing perfect that when things like this happen I worry so much about what others could be thinking of me and that makes me feel worse. What will my new employers and the other teachers think of me not turning up? I also always by default turn to the one person who never gives the emotional comfort and instead tears me down (my ex-husband) like banging my head on a wall repeatedly or expecting different results from the same thing over and over and over. When will I give up hope in him, is it the little me hoping that her father will show some humanity finally?
Anyway its all done now and the call has been made and I have the rest of the day to rest with my son and take care of him. My head is pounding and I don’t feel great but we are in our warm flat safe and together. I won’t be refunded for the money I paid to the camp or paid for a day’s work and my new employers may question my reliability but there are worst things that could happen right. He will get better and I will eventually get to work and this will be something to talk about later…my very first day at work that wasn’t. These feelings will pass. The feelings are not me and I am not them. Shit happens and shit passes! No point in holding onto things. You have to just go with it no matter how hard it seems or sounds to yourself or others. Have a good week!
tellingheavysecrets 
Thank you for sharing this. Missing work can be very frustrating-sick kids happen. Of course, the timing is key. I build up a ton of sick days, but feel guilty for needing to use them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it’s that guilt that kills but really we owe it to ourselves. Thanks for commenting and understanding.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. I applaud you! You prioritize what is right. That your son is cared for. That you also deserve care. And that you both rest. If you have to call your manager and talk about what is going on and need to start next week, or later this week, that is what you do. Others are not thinking about you one bit. Others are too wrapped up in their own stuff.
What matters is what you think. And right now, that means confronting a barrage of very old voices. I know those voices, they hammer in especially when we are down.
What else could do? Drop your son with a sitter you never met? Go to work in a stupor and become sicker, weaker and unable to even care for your son? No. You did what you needed to do. You are fucking amazing!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dare I add? That ex is very cunning. By questioning whether his son is indeed ill is a great way to avoid having you ask him for help, that mother fucker. He attacks you so that the very next practical line of conversation, that of which of “Which of us will look after our child”, is then diverted and he is off the hook.
He does this because you are kind, he is not. I don’t think you have it in you to believe that others have no capacity for kindness. That is something about you beautiful to be treasured.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Exactly! By questioning it I felt really bad asking him to look after his son. He is very cunning but always plays the victim or the “I did offer to help” card. He doesn’t really care and if he did come over and miss work he would moan about it until the cows come home. Thank you for getting it, for getting me and for getting my ex.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Patricia, you are right. I am so worried about people who don’t even know me. Those teachers have never met me and that manager doesn’t care about me as a person only what I can do for his business, yet I will agonise over how my actions are affecting them yet I am not ok and my son is not ok and I can’t help the poor timing. Thank you for saying that what matters is what I think. That’s all I needed, that’s what I was hoping (pointlessly) to hear from my ex. That support and that confirmation that what I was doing was ok. Thank you for saying that and believing in me. It’s those moments when I lose all self-belief and get confused about what I know I need to do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was in the studio and thoughts kept coming. One, that I may need to apologize for my foul mouth. Anger won’t help you. The Ex will use ploys of questioning your mothering abilities, and picking at you in any way possible as long as the diversion works to make life easy for him. No responsibilities, no accountability. I guess you have to overlook it just like we overlook a child’s bad behavior and focus the child back onto task. Not get into a battle until you decide one is worth it. Hope you can rest up today and that your son feels better soon…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it is like dealing with a child. And it is pointless biting everytime he barks because that’s what he wants it is far more sensible to ignore and pay no heed to his tantrums outbursts and cunning tricks
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hope you and your son get better. I do understand your frustration with missing first day of work, but your health and your child’s is by far more important. You didn’t choose to be sick. S*** happens, and unfortunately it happens at the most undesirable times. Hopefully your employers will understand. It’s a school afterall, and they know kids get sick all the time. Hugs to you…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your support it means a lot. Yes you are right, I didn’t choose this, it just really is poor timing and as a single mum I have no choice!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh man you are spinning. And rightfully so. Your plate is full. You have been transplanted and everything is unsettled. And I can’t help wondering if that visit with your aunts was part of your tailspin. You’ve moved. You’re alone. You’re vulnerable. You’re triggered. Why not add extended family to the mix so you can be good and certain to feel really wretched about yourself. Shit! Why do we do that?
In 2004, after living in California for nearly 8 years, Rob and I decided to transplant ourselves back to the East Coast. For many reasons, but mainly our daughter was turning a year old and for some reason we thought it would be good to be closer to family. Dear God, I completely lost myself. I could write a book about this experience — but to sum it up, we sold our home in the Santa Monica Mountains and landed ourselves, two 100 lb dogs and our baby in Manhattan. And to make it worse, our apartment which was scheduled to be ready when we moved wasn’t ready and I went to live with my mother and stepfather with my child and dogs while Rob went to work in the city staying in temporary housing that didn’t allow children or pets.
I will never forget the level of panic that set over me. By the time I made it to Manhattan over a month later I was shell of myself. Honestly. I was truly dizzy from the anxiety. Years later I can understand it all but at the time I blamed myself. (Of course.) Coming back to the East Coast instead of keeping a safe distance was the most vulnerable thing I could have done for myself. I stopped seeing myself. I see now that every time I was around my mother or anyone related to her, I became a different person. By being in New York, I had narrowed the physical space down to a 4 hour drive and it was unbearable. Now I have no contact with my mother so that is my space but I’d rather be a planet away if I could be.
So why am I telling you all of this? To ground you. To pull you back to yourself. I’d love it if you could make a list of who you really are. Can you clear away the fog in your brain? The fear? The triggers and see yourself? Just you. The triggers make it hard to know what’s real and what isn’t real and I swear to you that visit with your aunts is probably way bigger than the job, the easter camp or your son being sick. Your Ex is mixed in with the aunts. My hunch is you’re vulnerable and you’re looking for outside validation that you are okay — because you’re not feeling okay. But you won’t get it from them. You won’t. You’ll feed the triggers more around them and lose your sense of self even more. At least that’s what my gut and my own experience is telling me. What do you think?
Start with the good things about yourself. The positive memories you have about yourself and your strength and independence. Write them down. Even the little things. Sure we have stuff we need to work on and if you want to put that down too, go for it. But do it in a way that is an exciting opportunity for growth and change, not reprimanding or shame based. Just a loving reminder that there’s always room for being closer to ourselves. And because I know you need to hear this, I’d need to hear it too — YOU ARE OKAY. You are. What you’re feeling makes sense. It does. But it’s the old shitty sludge calling you back. Right? And it’s okay to sit there for a while, try it on, see if it serves you — if there’s a benefit in being in this old crappy place — but soon enough you’ll see, as I see, it doesn’t really feel authentic anymore. Does it? And the one thing you can get out of this tailspin is a reminder that you will always choose to harness your own strength. You always have.
Boundaries are key and you’ve moved closer to extended family and ex husbands and now the boundaries are super confusing. Somehow you’re going to have to get some support (Get back in therapy? Call or Skype your old therapist and pay for a phone session?) To help you set very clear boundaries. And yes, I’m still wondering about why you saw your aunts and if you can be really honest with yourself about that?
And lately, I’m loving LISTS! Yup. They help keep things clear. So maybe when you communicate with your Ex husband you write a list for yourself where you are extremely honest with yourself regarding what your needs and expectations are. You can even give him the list if that feels easier. You don’t need to explain yourself. You DO get to ask him to take care of his child. It is his job. Or you get to tell him he can’t co-parent with you because he’s not meeting his job requirement. He doesn’t get to bend the rules over and over again. He couldn’t go to work every day, rant at his boss and blame his boss for expecting him to do his job. He’d be fired. He’s been fired as a husband. You are the boss. And isn’t this interesting, you’re asking the primary male figure in your son’s life to take care of him. Which is 100% his job. But that’s not what was modeled for you as a child. How scary that must be for you. How incredibly triggering. I’m wondering if you feel bad for simply asking. And angry that you even have to ask. He should just KNOW! Just as your parents (and my parents) should have known to be good parents! I think it’s triggering the little girl you who was made to feel bad for asking her (or hoping for) own parents to care for her properly. Hmmmm …. Something to wrestle with. What do you think?
Okay and here’s the last thing. Don’t lose yourself, okay? You’ve worked too hard for that. Kids get sick, we get sick … and we feel guilty because we can’t perform our work. But that’s a societal issues. Parents in general don’t get enough support from their jobs. You are not alone on that one. And for single parents it’s even worse. I imagine choosing to take care of your son is a trigger too. It would be for me with all that you have going on.
This is SOOOO long. I hope that’s okay. You know where to find me if you need me.
XO
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am perpetually in awe of the amazing work you are doing – I hope you feel deeply proud of how self-aware you are and acknowledge your very brave steps towards self-care. I know yore miserable but, you did a great thing by staying home – very impressive. I hope you and your son recover soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your continued support of my journey. Yes it’s hard to care for yourself when your childhood has taught you that you are not query caring for or about so as you take those steps towards self care you are greeted by a barrage of voices telling you that you ldon’t deserve it and are inconveniencing everyone. Thank you for understanding
LikeLike